Replacing The Curtain Blog

Torn Curtain: Sometime we don’t know what to make of this squad. The enthusiasm and cleverness we’ve seen develop since the launch of PuckBuddys 2.0 has surprised even us. Tom, AKA @GayCanuck (whose actual identity will be revealed in the coming weeks), took a shot at becoming the new hockey blogger for a local Vancouver paper. Spoiler alert: Hijinks ensue!

“Most of you know that I’m a pretty new, but enthusiastic, hockey fan. So when a friend called to tell me about a contest the Province newspaper was having to replace the “Curtain Blog,” I was confused but intrigued. He told me all about how the Curtain Bloggers had been popular on the Province website for a few years writing about hockey and the Canucks. But after they were snagged by NBC Sports, the Province decided to select 10-15 other bloggers to compete for the now-empty spot on their website.

As I was carving my fourth Nude Kesler pumpkin I asked my friend, “how is a blog about window treatments relevant to hockey?” But just as he was about to answer, my phone slipped out of my hand and fell into a pool of orange mush inside the pumpkin.

Having just become a hockey blogger on PuckBuddys, and living just a block away from Rogers Arena, I thought I’d be perfect to replace the Curtain Bloggers!

I just needed to write something about hockey and curtains. I wasn’t sure how the hell I was going to do it, but, I knew that being gay would give me big advantage. What do straight guys know about window treatments, anyway?

After the jump – my entry for the contest to replace the Curtain Blog, with photos!

“Sirs: I’m very excited to throw my hat into the ring to replace the Curtain Blog on the Province newspaper website! I have to admit, I had no idea the Province had a Curtain Blog that also covered hockey. I may be new to hockey, but not to curtains!

So, for my first “Replace The Curtain Blog” blog, I’ve decided to pick 8 hockey celebrities and give them a complete Window Treatment Makeover! Because there is nothing worse than going to a hockey player’s home and realizing the carpet doesn’t match the drapes. Let’s do this.

Don Cherry

This one was pretty easy, actually. All I had to do was rummage through Don’s closet and grab a few old jackets. I mean, most of his clothing came from a curtain rod originally. After taking a pair of scissors to them and running them through a sewing machine (yes, I own a sewing machine), Voila! Curtains that would make Don Cherry feel right at home. The zebra print curtains happen to both match and clash with his zebra print hat!

Mike Milbury

Mike clearly has designs on becoming Don Cherry, but so far this has only manifested itself in a parade of garish ties week after week. I guess he doesn’t yet have the courage to completely wrap himself in cartoon fabrics from head to toe. This clown print curtain I picked out for Mike is perfect for several reasons. 1) it looks just like many of his ties, and 2) Mike often acts like a clown on TV! It was so nice of Mike to wear my Nude Kesler tie for our Curtain Blog photo shoot! XO

Alex Burrows

Alex was an odd curtain client. I picked out a lovely black-and-white ensemble for his windows and dinette set that was reminiscent of a French Maid’s uniform. However, Alex felt some sort of je ne sais quoi was missing, so, he took out a black pen and began drawing little swirly lines all over the curtains and the table cloth. I thought it actually looked quite darling! I learned later that he was, in fact, just signing his autograph over and over to practice signing his name in English.

Sedin Twins

I was absolutely shocked to learn that Daniel and Henrik Sedin live in a room display at the IKEA store! Apparently they like it there because they can eat Swedish meatballs for dinner every night while sitting on particle-board furniture from their home country. So, for this makeover it seemed only logical to “shop local.” IKEA curtains to the rescue! They are bright and cheery while being vuglar enough to distract people from the chaotic Sedin clutter going on in those BILLY bookcases. You guys might want to consider hiring a room display housecleaner, or something.

The Green Men

Sully and Force are usually far too busy taunting penalty-box detainees and making media appearances to worry about window treatments. But one day, while scaling down the side of a building for charity, Sully became so fascinated with all the different curtains and window treatments he passed on his way down, he decided to call me when he heard about my Window Treatment Makeover project! For the Green Men I chose a simple, nondescript pair of partially-sheer green curtains that are just like their costumes! I’m pretty sure they loved it, I couldn’t really see their reaction.

Ryan Kesler

Ryan has had a lot of media attention since he posed naked for ESPN Magazine last month. But I wasn’t expecting him to answer the door completely naked and holding three helium balloons when I arrived for his Window Treatment Makeover! This inspired me to make Ryan’s windows just like him: Bare Naked! I took it all off. Rods, curtains, adorable little tie-backs with silk tassels — everything! The neighbors can thank me by sending rainbow glitter to my glitter bank. I’m not really sure why Ryan was carrying those balloons around, though. I think it had something to do with Mike Milbury’s tie.

Robert Luongo

Lu did not have a very good October, so, I thought his new window treatment should be therapeutic. I want Lu to feel comfortable while inside the net, so, to help him achieve that I covered his windows in hockey netting! That’ll keep those errant pucks out of his space and far away from him. Unless he forgets to close his back door.

David Booth

New recruit David Booth has already publicly expressed his love for hockey and Jesus Christ. So what better window treatment for our very own altar boy than religious figures with disapproving faces in stained-glass who are pointing out all the hockey rules he’s breaking! David feels right at home with this new look, I can tell.

So that’s what I sent to the Province, and they kindly informed me that they know of no such Curtain Blog and that they aren’t looking for bloggers to write about curtains or any other type of window treatment combined with hockey.

Naturally, I was bewitched, bothered and bewildered.  But, all is not lost! The real CurtainBlog has contacted me and wants to feature all of my hockey celebrity window treatment makeovers on their website! So, take that Province Sports!

Epilogue: Actually, the real CurtainBlog just sent me a letter from their lawyer demanding I never contact them ever again. Ever.”

Please follow Tom, and his window treatments at @GayCanuck

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About GayCanuck

A sassy gay Canucks fan who, when not swimming in his Fantasy Hockey Pool with Chris Higgins, Tyler Seguin and Gabe Landeskog, is making general mischief on Twitter: @GayCanuck
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11 Responses to Replacing The Curtain Blog

  1. david says:

    best. puckbuddys. post. ever.

    ~ cheers…

  2. andriaparker says:

    Flawlessly hysterical. Well done!

  3. Marda says:

    This is HILARIOUS! Oh my gosh, I am so glad that hockey is making me laugh this much… Great article. I love what you did with Alex Burrows ;)

  4. Fantastic post! As a Canuck Fan “stuck” in a curtain-less nation of Korea I applaud this!

  5. Extra points for the Monty Python vid as a conclusion.

  6. Valerie (@plicla) says:

    Hilarious! (Ryan Kessler posed nude somewhere and I missed it?)

  7. There is smart. Then there is genius! You, sir, are the latter.

  8. Ex-cellent! I just loved it. And the curtain blog was just the cherry on top. You just deserve an A+ for that one, thank you!

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