So, I was saying to a friend the other day, and I paraphrase myself: “The Habs are having a bi-polar season so far. Spectacular wins and boring but agonizing and agonizingly close losses”. Seven wins (including last night’s 2-0 shutout over the Rangers) and five losses, many of them against Western teams, leaving us, unsurprisingly, in the middle of the standings. Mediocrity doesn’t win Cups but I’ll leave the hysterics till later in the season since we’ve only just begun.

True to my prediction (see previous article), fans are apoplectic about the constantly changing lines Coach Therrien comes up with but maybe he’s being crazy, like a fox, and mixing things up to keep opponents on their toes. And fans scratching their heads.

What I didn’t expect was the  amazing amount of injuries the Habs would suffer so early in the season, starting with George “It’s Always Movember” Parros in the first game. We then lost Pacioretty and Prust. And Emelin still hasn’t returned. This has seriously cramped our style in terms of muscle, blown our defense, and cost us one hotshot forward.

Fortunately, there are a bunch of bright stars in the Habs galaxy. Price is even better than ever (0.937 average at the moment). The young pups are proving to be spectacular (Eller, Subban, Galchenyuk, and Gallagher), and two of the goatee-sporting veterans (Plekanec and Gionta) are starting to rack up goals at quite a good clip.

Bournival and Tinordi are surprising us all with their excellent play – welcome to the big boys club! Add them all up and the Habs have at least 2 great lines, no matter how Therrien mixes them up.

But I’m hoping that some of these combos and lines Therrien is throwing together, seemingly on the fly, eventually add up to some magical bonds.

The type of synergy between 2 or 3 players that produces frequent goals, inspires fans, and makes analysts gush. We haven’t seen that quite yet but these things take time – a team is just a bunch of guys from all over the hockey world thrown together and they have to get used to each other.

Maybe they should look at tapes of each other rather than of other teams so they can learn how to coordinate better – setting each other up for plays and executing precision sniper shots. Perhaps a weekend long retreat at my island getaway is all the team needs to let their hairs down, while I give them deep tissue massages, and help them find their collective mojo. If a team orgy is what is needed then so be it.

In the meantime, if the Habs could also keep out of the penalty box it might be better to try and get goals rather than practice their PK ad nauseum. Seriously, guys. Play nice like you’re in the Olympics (especially since some of you will be soon) and drive for the net. Meanwhile, you in the back – stop fooling around, defence, and do your job. Price wasn’t hired to be the only one stopping pucks once they get across the line.

My prediction for the Habs’ season is still pretty optimistic, even considering this rollercoaster ride of a start. Some of the injured players will be back in the lineup soon, team synergy will no doubt start to gel at some point, Therrien will eventually get past his apparent man crush on Desharnais (which is not doing us any favours), we’ll soon start playing some wussy Eastern teams (more Rangers games, please) after this string of games against strong Western opponents, Price will turn all supernova on your opposing team’s asses, penalties will become like a plague of cooties no one wants, and we’ll be driving more in down low than in 1000 gay porn films put together.

Which reminds me, I can travel to Montreal to give team members massages should that be required. There’s nothing I won’t do for my team.

Ah, summer. Those pointless, hot and buggy several months without hockey. Thank god that’s over with. Time to put away the short-shorts, man up, and get down to the real meat and potatoes of the year. Pre-season games are already underway and memories of all those things I did to kill time so this summer would fly by are already fading. Those barbecues and lobsterbakes, kayaking, hiking, wine tastings, all the time playing in my garden (as well as, for pay, in other people’s gardens) were just a way to kick the can down the road till October 1 and the start of the regular season.

So what’s up with the Canadiens this year? Your guess is as good as mine. But I’m thinking it’s going to be a great year. Why so optimistic? Because look at last year. I mean before the flame out in the playoffs. Coach Therrien, much to my surprise, did turn the team around from last place to a 2^nd place finish in the East in the regular season. With many of the same players from the previous year no less.

This year’s roster looks very similar to the previous year too. There’s a lot of skill wearing bleu-blanc-et-rouge. What I’m looking forward to is seeing how much more developed some of our hotshot youngsters have gotten over the summer – keep an eye on Gallagher, Galchenyuk, and Eller as they blossom into big boys.

PK Subban, Mr. 2012-13 Norris Trophy, thank you very much, should be even more dazzling – and mature – this season. Carey Price will be back in net and, assuming his wedding over the summer didn’t sap his hockey hormones, will no doubt do right by Montreal. I’m standing by man. But I’m also glad Peter Budaj is there as a solid back up net nanny just in case. Hey, we might even get a rise out of the old farts on the team too – Markov, Gionta, and Plekanec can put a little more giddyup in their game and no one will complain. Too much.

Management has also tried to address two obvious weaknesses of the team – lack of strong defence and overall decidely un-Bruinish level of thuggishness – by bringing in veterans Daniel Briere, Douglas Murray, and George “It’s always Movember” Parros. I had been hoping for a little more young star-power than these re-treads but I’ll gladly eat my words if time proves these were good additions. I’m guessing the idea was to bring in some experienced players to sync with the young stars we do have. Still, I was let down that the Habs didn’t draft a 7 foot tall Cro-Magnon man to counter Captain Chara of the Evil Empire. I’ll have to drop a little note in the GM’s suggestion box so maybe he can address that issue in next year’s draft.

No doubt it will be another year of Therrien fiddling with lines till he comes up with the perfects combos. Even more likely will be a whole season of Twitterites bemoaning some of the line experiments. Que sera sera. With the largest fan base of any NHL it will be hard to please everyone. I judge by results.

So are we a contender for the cup? You know, I think so. I really do. I feel it in my bones. That other tingling in my bones besides arthritis which I’m solving now thanks to this article I read Joint Pain Hack review.

It’s our time to shine. It’s been, what, 20 years now. We’ve been nice and let others play with our cup. But play time is over. I think come June 2014 we will see the great hockey towns of North America flaming out, angels singing over the Saint Lawrence River, the billowing and glowing clouds will part and the Gods of Hockey shall deliver to the Habs faithful a tall, shiny chalice named Stanley. Hopefully it will also absolve us of our sins as it’s gonna be a long, rough season.

The gang at Nellie’s, easily DC’s best sports bar no matter what team you play for, is hosting us again for a Caps watch party. This Saturday, April 20, the Caps face the Habs. Puck drop is 7pm, so we’re gathering there a little early to stake out some space in the 2nd floor “penalty box.” Our thanks to owner Doug Schantz for welcoming us back. The lockout precluded earlier watch parties, but better late than late – much like the late season streak the Caps are doing right now.

At 9th & U Streets, NW, Nellie’s is a great spot and gets a very diverse crowd. Even immoral Penguins fans we’ve been told. That’s a kind of diversity we’re still trying to warm up to, maybe they were born that way. No matter, we’ve got the Habs on our minds and in our cross hairs. Hopefully Saturday night sees the Caps 10th 1st straight consecutive win.

The Nellie’s menu is top drawer , the bartenders pour a great drink and there are TVs-a-plenty. They’re just steps from the Vermont Avenue exit of the Green Line Metro, and that’s the best way to get there. We’ve hosted a watch party last season and any statutes of limitations have since expired, so WE’RE BACK! Please join us and wear your fave Caps sweater. Habs fans welcome, too. Diversity!

Saturday, April 20 – Hockey Night in Canada and DC. #HNICandDC

Though there is still healthy skepticism amongst Habs fans that things will play out well to the end there has been a lot to cheer about and lot of factors that are giving us hope. It is safe to say that no one – even those highly paid hockey analysts we turn to for insights or even pom-pom bearing cheerleading fans like myself- predicted that the Habs would be #1 in the Eastern Conference, if only for a day, now 1/3 of the way through this shortened season. To paraphrase Bette Davis: But they are, Blanche, they are.

It wasn’t the fact that we’re fielding one of the hottest looking squads out there this year that got us where we are thus far. Good looks can bring you many things in life but NHL goals are not one of them. I happily eat crow pie, as alien a flavor as it is to me, and give Coach Therrien his due props. In many ways he appears to be the anti-Jacques Martin in carnal form. There seems to be more teamwork and playmaking, willingness to shake up lines as needed, continued speed, and new toughness. The choreography, as it were, is now perceptible.

Prust and Gallagher

Perhaps the biggest factor in our surprise turn around from last year’s dismal placing is in the players themselves. “The Gallys” (Gallagher and Galchenyuk) have brought not only some amazing new wunderkid skills to the team but their youthful vigor seems to be invigorating and inspiring an aging team. Brandon Prust has been a great addition to the team not only for adding a little muscle but, much to our delight, contributing extensively to playmaking.

I think we all underestimated how great a player Markov is – you’ll forgive us, it has been a long time since he was able to play – and he has been not only solid on defence but also one of the NHL’s top scoring defencemen this season. That Price has been nothing short of flawless has been the #1 reason for success so far.

Subban is back and he seems a little more mature this year and been racking up points almost every game. Not having to witness so many of his painfully slow windups and misguided shots is a blessing.

Plekanec and Bourque, who seem to have good years and bad years, are both having a great year and Pleks leads the team in points so far. Actually everybody seems to be scoring at some point or another. Its called teamwork. We just haven’t seen it for a while.

No wonder everyone is surprised we’re #1.

Many also initially wrote off the Habs this year because we have the shortest team on ice. As a short person (5’6″) I was pissed at the suggestion that that is necessarily a negative. And, as it turns out, it is not. Where we have lacked in height (which implies an underlying weakness in face of bigger and heavier opponents though I dare you to come here and say that to this diminutive yet chainsaw toting lumberjack) we have made it up in skill and speed. And, much to everyone’s amazement, we actually are one of the league’s leader’s in hits. So let me shovel a little crow pie back into those Negative Nellies’ pie holes and celebrate the fact that this myth has finally been blown out of the water once and for all.

There is, of course, much to remain anxious about. Therrien does show some reluctance to play the younger team members as often as they should be playing, relying on the workhorse veteran’s instead. Injuries will also undoubtedly take their toll. Some games have been – dare I say – boring. Which is OK if we then go on to win the game (as we have been doing) but I fear it is not a strategy that’ll play well in the playoffs against more desperate opponents. We also are one of the leader’s in penalty minutes. Not because of roughing and fighting as was originally feared but for repetitively getting set back by constant icing as well as calls like too many men on the ice penalties, both of which are very avoidable. The defence still needs a little more work but I guess that’s a long term development goal.

And there are definitely some weak players bringing the team down. Yeah, I’m looking at you Desharnais, Cole, White, Kaberle, and Webber. None are highly valuable as trades. But couldn’t they be bought out or did the budget for that get blown on Gomez? Cole, at close to 40, is close to retirement anyway. And we all know that 40 in hockey, like it is for the gays, is like 70 for straight guys and most white collar workers. Here’s your gold watch, now go play golf and listen to opera recordings.

Thankfully, there’s no age limit on being a fan. If there was you wouldn’t be blessed by some of our “senior” (40 +) correspondents like myself, Tom, Brian, and the Puckbuddy overlords. I find that as I age that some memories do indeed fade. I do have several totes of physical evidence of my past for nostalgic purposes and, just in case, to prompt me about my identity should I ever start to slip into Alzheimers or, more likely, dementia.

Recently, while cleaning up the closet these memories are buried in, I came across pictures of me in elementary school with my best friend at the time. And this unleashed some repressed memories. Besides of my first sexual experience. Seeing a picture of Steve was like the madelaine was for Proust in “A la Recherche du Temps Perdu”. Because I rediscovered my earliest hockey experiences. That they are intertwined with the kid who’s pee-pee was the first I had ever touched besides mine should come as no surprise.

My family was decidedly not into sports besides feigned support for the Boston Red Sox. But my friend Steve’s family were big hockey fans. Growing up as a kid in Boston that meant the Bruins. And you wonder why these were repressed memories! His family took me to some Bruins games – I’m talking about when I was a really young kid – and I got to see the legendary players Bobby Orr and Phil Esposito play. Way cool. And I was also prompted to remember a (now) embarrassing moment when, at my very first game, I asked why one team had more players on the ice than the other and were unmercifully swarming the other team’s net. I was told that was called a “power play”. My reaction: “Well, that’s unfair!”. As an adult I’ve learned that this is actually completely fair (penalties must be punished) and, in the case of the Bruins, 99% of the time deserved. Which is also why I have a strict bottoms-only policy for Bruins fans.

Fortunately, as I’ve matured, I’ve put away childish things and embraced more serious affiliations. At age 18, when I moved to Montreal, I not only became a man but I also became a Habs fan. There’s been no looking back.

So here we go again! Another season of NHL hockey, this year featuring 40% fewer games. The Habs have gotten off to a mixed start – one craptacular game against the Leafs and two spectacular games (one against the Panthers and one against the Caps). We’ve already seen them at their worst and their best. Last season was one I think we’d all like to forget so it’s no wonder many Habs fans are a little skeptical and worried about this year.

There have been a few changes from last year and there are some obvious strengths so I’m going to try to remain upbeat unless proven otherwise.

The biggest changes and strengths include:

1. New Coach, Michel Therrien. But he was the Habs’ coach 10 years ago as well and I didn’t think too much of him then. Maybe he’s picked up some new tricks while bouncing around the NHL for the last 10 years. We can only hope. Look for a more aggressive, I mean assertive, team under his direction. And more lively interaction with the refs and press.

2. Markov is back. And how. Two of his beautiful bullets scored goals in the Panthers game, one in the Caps game, and strong defence in all 3 games has heralded his return. A great addition to the special teams. He also seems to be fitting right back into his leadership role of protecting the net: Montreal defence is back!

3. The team has beefed up considerably with the addition of Prust to the lineup. Last year was sorely lacking muscle and enforcement so he can only help. Montreal’s legendary speed combined with a little more aggressiveness may be just the ticket. By that I don’t, however, mean the Habs have to sink to the level of thuggishness the Bruins are known for in order to be more competitive.

4. The Habs have acquired an 18 year old wonder boy, Alex Galchenyuk, who has already had a decent amount of ice time and scored his first NHL goal in game 2. I’m thinking this guy will be modestly helpful at first and then blossom later on. Kind of like Patrice Bergeron did, even though Patrice went over to the dark side. Brendan Gallagher is also a new, young addition and we’re anticipating great things from him. Eventually.

5. PK Subban has not been re-signed and rumours as of tonight are that he is going to be traded. I’ve always liked the guy’s personality but he’s been inconsistent on the ice. Another player who has great potential but it’s not quite there yet. If a trade does happen we can only hope it’s for someone better to help make a solid wall of defence with Markov.

6. The Canadiens are playing like a team. Everyone’s getting a chance to score a goal – Plekanec, Markov, Gionta, and Gorges all scored a goal each just in the Caps game. Add in the other goals from other players so far this season and at this rate even the weaker members will get a chance at glory. My bet is Bourque will be next.

7. The best thing about the team is obvious: Carey Price. I definitely see him being one of the top three NHL goaltenders this season and the main reason the Canadiens have any chance of sliding into the playoffs. He’s got the speed, skill, flexibility, and range of moves that pretty consistently stymies all those hot shot players, many of the best in the world, on other teams. He’s got legs, he knows how to use them. So far, out of three games, no even-strength goals have been scored against Price. If he were to get injured we have a decent backup in Budaj but that would make a lot of Habs fans apprehensive.

Next: PredictionsSo my prediction… I think the Habs will get back into the playoffs like they usually do (see – I’ve already forgotten last year!) but, sadly, not go all the way. I don’t see the Leafs or the Bruins getting the Cup this year either so at least there’s that. Montreal is due for a cup – tabarnac, it’s been 20 years – but it does not look likely this year.

I asked several fellow Habs bloggers what they thought about the team this year and I bring to you their exclusive comments and insight:

Rookie (@HabItHerWay), Montreal, who writes for www.AllHabs.Net and her blog at www.HabItHerWay.ca, said “I’m looking forward to having a physically tough team. I know it’s not necessarily what the Habs have built their reputation on, but considering that they’ll be playing the Bruins, Sabres, and Flyers quite a bit, it’ll be good to have some muscle. Ryan White is probably itching to let his fists (and hair) fly, Travis Moen is going to do what he does, and Brandon Prust has already embraced his role by fighting that no-good weasel Mike Brown. Plus, Max Pacioretty has packed on the muscle and doesn’t look like he’ll let anything get between him and another banner year.”

Rosalyn (@Tygerlylly), Nova Scotia, who writes for www.Habsaddict.com and her blog at www.tygerbythetail.com, told me: “Love their new faster tempo, forcing rivals to make mistakes and play to their speed. Not sure my heart can take it though, so maybe a good thing the season is shorter. Stupid penalties will hurt us in the standings if Therrien can’t stop it. They might scrape into the playoffs if they keep up the discipline, otherwise not likely.”

Laura (@theactivestick), Montreal, also contributed her thoughts. She writes for www.habseyesontheprize.com and has a blog at www.theactivestick.wordpress.com. “As much as I thought the Brandon Prust signing was too much money and too much term, I think it speaks to what the Habs were trying to do by signing him and Colby Armstrong, as well as keeping Ryan White and Travis Moen around. It’s all very “stop messing with us.” Not necessarily a bunch of enforcers, but rather a little bit of energy and toughness.”

Anyone interested in seeing the fireworks as a result of the re-energized and beefed up Habs in the four Habs-Bruins games this season? I know I am! Look for these four games to be some of the liveliest if not best of the year.

Next up: A dance with the Devil(s) on Sunday night. Look for a similar tempo and aggressiveness as the Habs try to keep it together, if only for the kids, and prove that this new combination of strategy and skill is not just a fluke. I’m expecting a closer match-up than in previous games. No matter what the outcome, you can laugh and cry along with Brian (@trot71) and me when we publish the transcript of our joint live coverage the day after – Monday evening – on Puckbuddys. Tables will be flipped, hair pulled, and sassiness of the likes hockey reporting has never seen will be on full display, sprinkled with sober professional analysis and unique insight.

You may have wondered what I may have been doing while I’ve been AWOL from writing Habs articles for the bestest and gayest hockey site on the entire interent. The short answer is that I’ve been going through the stages of grief as the Habs’ season has continued its agonizing implosion.

The stages have gone like this:

It started with the rending of clothes and obsessive house cleaning like a deluxemaid. I then proceeded onward to the “why me, oh lord, why my team?” stage. There was a long stretch of disbelief (a/k/a denial), followed by a brief manic explosion of hope, and then the dark days of January and February where I turned catatonic. When I snapped out of that I was bitter and looking for people to blame. There was plenty of blame to go around. The angst felt like it was crushing my very will to keep watching the train wreck. But I persevered, having now watched all but 4 Habs games this season. The return of Markov rallied my spirits, but that proved to be brief and illusory.

By late March I have settled into the melancholy, jilted lover mode. Dust covers everything in the house. Cobwebs have filled in the corners. And I, I sit in front of the TV on game nights, periodically gazing at the 24 mini replica cups on the table and wistfully moan. Miss Havisham has nothing on this bitch.

But not for one second did I ever considering abandoning my team even though it was clear for a long time this season was going nowhere. I noticed that this has been the prevailing sentiment of my Twitter friends who are Habs fans.

There has been no stampede to exit the virtual, online Bell Centre before the end of the game. I have heard no one say “Gee, the Habs suck this year, I guess I’ll become a Leafs fan” or “Maybe those Bruins aren’t so bad after all”.

Max Pacioretty

There doesn’t seem to be any clear, single reason for the lousy season. We’ve been losing a lot obviously, but not losing by much usually, and lots of OT’s and stupid shoot outs.

It appears that there’s a combination of mediocrity and numerous crappy factors that have all mixed together, with tragic results.  If I were to choose two of the biggest issues I would say the coaching (both Martin and Cunneyworth as well as some of the assistants) and the defence have been the two major factors. But nothing stands out as completely bad, just that there’s mediocrity across the board.

Josh Gorges and David Desharnais

Or almost across the board. There have been some stand out players for sure. Price has done an amazing job in net- which would reflect in his stats if he had a little help – any help – from the defence. Cole and Pacioretty have both now scored 30+ goals each and given the fans something to cheer about.

David Desharnais (despite his diminutive stature, roll eyes, as I’ve heard too many times this year) has been great too. Gorges has been one ray of hope in front of Price.

But, um, other than that, we start to go downhill from there. Emelin and Eller have been surprisingly positive but uneven contributors.

Tomas Plekanec

Subban is improving his game slowly but it is agonizingly slow. Plekanec hasn’t shined this year – if half of the breakaway chances he’s had this year became goals he’d be king – but he’s a good workhorse in setting up plays and assists. And I like his hot green coffee East European sizzle. Leblanc and White have added some missing skills to the team. So there’s a core of players to whip till morale improves, I mean to rebuild with for a better team next year. The rest are pretty much expendable – especially that sad sack Scott “one goal” Gomez if that were possible. But we’ll see if the Habs even stick with and sign Subban and Price when their contracts are up soon.

In the last month or so the Habs have gotten noticeably more assertive. As in more heavy checking and fighting. I don’t know if it’s out of desperation at this point or if it’s an acknowledgement that the soft touch in the first half of the season didn’t do us any favours. There’s been plenty of experimentation in lines and power play combos, all to no avail. The General Manager, Gauthier, was recently fired, and the current coach was never meant to be more than a place holder for the rest of the season. So next season we’ll see a total change at top. And no doubt a lot of change in the player line up. Maybe they’ll figure it out.

Meanwhile, in Montreal and the far flung Hab hinterlands, the gloom that has set in is forecast to lighten up upon the final death of the season in a couple of weeks and the beginning of a new team. It will be strange to not have a post season, like usual. And I’m at a complete loss as to who support in the playoffs besides whoever is playing against the Bruins. Cheering on other East teams just doesn’t come naturally to me.

Fortunately, the Leafs aren’t going to be in the playoffs so there won’t be that awkward moment when I’m asked to support the Leafs in the playoffs and I have to say sorry dude, I don’t swing that way.  It’s safe though to support Western teams – and I hope for the best for the Wings and Canucks. The Wings have shrewdly snatched up some of UMaine Black Bears’ finest alumni so they have my whole hearted support.

Carey Price

The Habs fan family has been very supportive of each other and that has helped us all through the dark times. Over the summer we can collect ourselves and work through the final stage of grief. That would be accepting the fact we just did not have enough cute players on the team this year. Price carrying all the hunkiness factor AND being both goaltender and 4/5 of the defence is a lot for one man to bear all on his own. So while I ride off into the sunset with Carey for the summer, Molson better get us an awesome coach, a new GM, and some better, stronger, faster, bigger, and cuter players for us for next year.

Follow Matt Skolnikoff on Twitter: @mattsko

“When you live in a small town like I do you get used to being a character in a never ending soap opera where even the smallest details of your life are not only noticed but are discussed in intimate detail, subject to wild speculation peddled as fact, and ultimately argued about in vehement terms by two sides that are willing to stake their first born children, life savings, and beer can collections (sorry, that was redundant) on the outcome of their fervently held yet intellectually impoverished opinions. Celebrities get similar treatment. And so do hockey teams. The only difference is that in small towns people pick you apart if you succeed and with hockey teams they tear you apart if you are losing.

This year the Habs have been the stars of what can only be called a parody of a mockumentary about a reality show about a professional hockey club.

Halfway through the season and we’re still #24 in the NHL, we’re almost to the point where it would be impossible to get into the playoffs even if we won every single game here on out, beset by injuries, have multi-million dollar players playing at Bantam league calibre, and management that makes the Keystone Kops look like a viable crime fighting force. What makes this even more unbearable to the Habs fan base is that we are not used to being in this position. The Blue Jackets we are not.

To add insult to injury, we are now the laughing stock of even serious hockey fans for management decisions that included firing an assistant coach on the day of a game (to little effect), firing the coach right before a game (which was long overdue and will no doubt pay off in the long run), and now firing (OK, trading) a first line player DURING a game. As a part-time management consultant I can only roll my eyes at the poorly executed and very publicly humiliating ways in which the Habs executives have pulled off some of their decisions. The decisions I mostly I agree with, the method and timing I most certainly do not. If the Habs were indeed just a reality TV show trying to one backstab-up other shows for ratings that would be one thing but this kind of melodrama doesn’t improve ratings or sell merchandise. Hockey is, has been pointed many times, a business after all.

If you were hoping that you’d be reading an article analyzing all the many factors contributing to the Habs craptacular season then you’ve come to the wrong place. Likewise, if you were hoping to hear the dying wails from a die-hard Habs fan you won’t get satisfaction from me. I can flog myself, throw myself on my bed and bite my pillow, and jab my Chara voodoo doll full of pins on my own time, thank you.

Instead, the rah-rah-rah-sis-boom-bah cheerleader complete with miniskirt, push up bra, and tastefully coordinated pom poms is coming out! That’s right! We’re going to talk about positive highlights that give Habs fans a modicum of dignity and hope for the future. Here’s what I can come with:

1. COACH MARTIN was fired. Though the positive effects have not been as immediate as hoped I think in the long run getting rid of the coach that put together astonishingly idiotic lines; favoured poor, veteran players over better, young ones; apparently did not work the team hard enough or intelligently enough; and inspired no confidence by the team or its devotees will be positive.

Lars Eller

2. SOME PLAYERS are doing well. It gets lost by the fact that others are not doing well and because of said bizarre line combinations that don’t meld skills well. But my hat is off to Price, Eller, Cole, Moen, Pacioretty, Kostistyn, and Gorges.

3. THE RIVALRY issue seems to have been getting more settled. Get with the program, folks: The Bruins are our main enemy not the Leafs. From a purely hockey stand point the Bruins are not only our nemesis (how many playoff rounds have we had to go with them?) but our opposite.

Over the years I’ve noticed they play a style of hockey that is very different from the Habs’ style. You could say that the Bruins style is superior in that they won the cup last year and they are #3 so far this year. But the Bruins style of hockey is not the goonish style of hockey that I, or most Montreal, Maritime, and Maine fans like to watch. The only reasons I see anyone thinking of the Leafs as our bete noir anymore is out of ancient tradition (get over it, girls!) and the never-ending Toronto-Montreal and Anglo-Francophone hostilities that I, as an American, gladly do not have to take part in.

4. MY BIRTHDAY. The Habs gave me the best birthday present I can think of, other than Carey Price in my candlelit boudoire asking me to drive one hard into his crease, on January 4th with a spectacular win over the Jets that featured a hat trick by cute blond twink Lars Eller – topped off by an amazing penalty shot said same Eller managed to get past the Jets’ goalie with both skill and a little over the top finish. Video clip here.

5. CAMMALLERI TRADED. I have been shouting in favour of this for over a month now, as my Twitter buddies can attest to. And now it is finally done. That it was done in such a dramatic and humiliating way I’m not so cool with but he had it coming and it was, ultimately, a fittingly dramatic end for a drama queen. I’d like to think that the Habs finally listened to me because the team is owned by Geoff Molson and my, um, very enthusiastic support of their products during my years living in Montreal bought me a seat at the table. Hockey is a business. And beer drinking used to be mine.

Cammalleri, known affectionately or derisively as Cammy (or even Tammi!), was a prima donna that was all chiseled good looks and bags of beauty products in the lockeroom for touch ups during intermissions but not, in my opinion, much of a hockey player. His playoff glory days now behind him, the last two years have been nothing but a disappointment. Being an almost useless six million dollar a year man on a team that is up against the salary cap and needing fresh talent has been one of many impediments to future glory.

Rene Bourque

We sent Cammy, a reserve goalie I’ve never even heard of, and a #5 2012 draft pick to Calgary for Rene Bourque, Patrick Holland, and a #2 2013 draft pick. I like this trade, for many reasons besides getting rid of deadweight.

We got a bigger player (which we sorely need), a higher round draft pick (which will be good for the multi-year rebuilding process), and got a player that likes to shoot on net a lot and from areas the Habs are notoriously weak in.

But almost more importantly we got value. Someone on Twitter today pointed out that although Cammy and Bourque have similar numbers of goals in recent years the fact that Bourque’s salary is almost half that of Cammy’s means we got the same amount of goals (in theory) for almost half the price. You don’t need a fancy management degree from an Ivy League graduate school like I do to realize that makes sense.

Also, because the Habs were up against the salary cap and we just downsized our payroll we will now have the funds to retain Price with the salary he deserves (and no doubt will demand if he is to stay in Montreal) when the time comes later this year to renew his contract. One of the only things keeping the Habs from being at rock bottom is Carey Price. We need to (and now can afford to) keep him while we retool the rest of the team.

Getting rid of Cammy was also good because of the distraction he was causing the team. Apparently he was not well liked by his teammates, his vanity and ego turned off many people, and his recent comments to the press about the team having a “losing mentality” were not helpful. For a guy who was not scoring or assisting on goals, not checking or hitting, and basically not giving his all to the team it was a tad hypocritical and over the top on his part to say what he did. There is no “i” in team, Tammi. Pack your beauty bags and go!

6. GREAT FANS. The Habs fans are a great bunch of people and it’s been a blast  getting to know more people with the same passion that I have for a team that will, mark my words, return the cup back home to Montreal one day soon. Especially nice to get to know Habs fans in the Maritimes! But I must say that I have yet to come across any other Habs fans who are gay and that makes me sad. It strange, because I know I’m not the only queen who loves the Canadiens!”

His or Her Royal Highness, Matthew, commands you to follow him on twitter: @mattsko

“I have two jobs which, together, add up to full time employment. One uses my creativity and brawn – landscaping and tree cutting. The other one, as an economic development consultant to municipalities and private businesses, uses my beleaguered yet expanding brain. And I do volunteer work.

Though I am completely dedicated and give my heart and soul to this free work I am just one of millions. I’m talking about being a loyal Canadiens fan. It’s hard work but someone’s got to do it. Someone with patience. Patience being a virtue that it was not seen fit to bless me with all the time.

Since I last wrote the Habs have played 8 times resulting in 4 losses, 3 wins, and one game that had a controversial and, in my mind, inconclusive ending. We’ve skyrocketed from #24 to #22 in the league, owing to the fact that we’re only winning every other game and now have a 10-10-4 record.  True, not many points separates most of the teams in the league but it’s hard to feel like you’re making any progress when it literally has been one step forward and one steps backward.

No team is perfect unless, of course, you are the Penguins and you are listening to CBC or most any other station gushing about St. Sidney and his Apostles.

The same problems with the Habs and its management are apparent now as they were two weeks ago. Everyone from the usually dead-on Dave Stubbs (columnist at the Montreal Gazette and writer on hockeyinsideout.com) to little ol’ me has been saying pretty much the same thing for a while now.

Goaltender Carey Price

The defensive play, overall coordination, composition of lines and special teams are just off. Most of these are more coach caused problems than player problems. But many nights even the energy and enthusiasm seems to be flagging. One Twitter commentator said that it seems like the Habs are a mediocre team with an above average goaltender. I’d modify that to say that the Habs are a split personality team: Some things are great, some things are awful, and the end result is a hot mess of something neither here nor there. Although we all gush about Carey Price basically carrying the team as the goaltender and the defence all in one, the only things fans and professional commentators disagree on are exactly to what extent the coach is the problem and about whether several players are keepers or sleepers.

The bright spots: Awesome PK (53 out of 55 through a recent game have been scoreless). Awesome goaltending. Awesome checking by Emelin and Cole. Awesome goal scoring by Pacioretty, Moen, and Cole. Awesome assists by Eller, Plekanec, Kostistsyn, and Gionta. The dark spots: Idiotic PP (zero goals in last 19 PP). Idiotic defence (I’m talking to you Diaz, Webber, and Subban). Idiotic prima donna offence that won’t take checks or make any checks or goals (Cammaleri). Just plain idiotic (Gomez). Idiotic coaching, playmaking, and overall organization and energy (issues already discussed ad nauseum).

Many have pointed out that the Habs have great skating skills and speed. If only they would just turn them on and leave them on instead of fizzling after the first period or so then things could get kicked up a notch. Where I diverge with my fellow professional and amateur analysts is over whether one of our problems is that our relatively short forwards are losing the puck to bigger players on opposing teams. As a short guy myself I am naturally inclined to side with my fellow men of shorter stature but larger-than-most in endowment of skills.

Brian Gionta

But more than stumpy brotherhood drives me to this conclusion. Smaller guys can run around the bigger guys and are used to doing so. That I know well. Both from my mini-mite efforts at basketball as a kid and from such (hockey) examples as Martin St. Louis who’s vertical challenge did not impede his amazing ability to be a big part in Tampa’s successful cup win a decade ago. Besides, I think Gionta (5’ 7”) is cute. And that’s reason enough to keep him. Captain Gionta My suggestion is that we trade Cammaleri for someone who is more of a goal scorer and team player. Or he could just retire. And be preened over as an advertising model or treated like royalty in the gay porn business, neither of which professions would require him risking getting hurt or marred.

There are rumours that he may be traded soon but I’ve been saying to do this since near the beginning of the season. And trade out underperforming defencemen for ones that might flourish in the lofty Montreal air. Markov is slated for return later this week when the Habs head to California – he’s been cleared for contact and has been training with the team.

But even if he is as good as he was before, which no one is expecting him to be, he can’t carry the defence with Gill and Emelin alone. Just please don’t trade in (or bring up from the minors) any more green players. We have enough of them. The Habs are not a training center. They are a professional team that is supposed to be on a mission.

Price said not this time, St. Sid

That mission was clearly evident in the latest game, versus the Penguins. The first period and a half saw the Habs display uncharacteristic energy, focus, playmaking, checking, and – dare I say professionalism. Result was a 3-1 lead against the top team in the East, the team who’s captain was found in a manger.

But it soon fell apart as the Habs characteristically sat on their lead and played like their evil twin – lazy, unfocused, lacking any discernable playmaking, and eschewing checking. Result was a 3 – 3 tie by nearly the end of the third period. Price says not this time, St. Sid Then all hell broke loose. Not as in fighting. But two events marred the game irreparably. The first was a gruesome hit by Pacioretty on Letang, which resulted in Letang’s nose being broken, blood spilled, and cries of hypocrisy on Paci’s part (having been knocked out by Chara last year, lest we forget).

Astonishingly, he did not even get a penalty for it. That boggled me. The tape has been showed over and over and it was not as clearly intentional as Chara’s hit, nor did it result in the catastrophic injury Paci had. But it certainly was not a clean hit and deserved a penalty. Shanahan will be reviewing the matter tomorrow and he will likely, and justifiably, at least fine him or possibly give him a short suspension. Unlike what they did to Chara. But that was not the only highly questionable call. Much more egregious was what occurred in the inevitable OT. Carey Price had his glove over and held the puck to stop play for what seemed like a minute but was definitely many seconds. AND YET THERE WAS NO WHISTLE.

Instead the Pens eventually jammed it out from his cold hard fingers and buried in the net for the winning goal. Review of the matter showed that this was indeed the case but the goal referee could not see what Carey was doing and apparently if he doesn’t see it then it didn’t happen. Talk about feeling like the father, the son, and the holy ghost of present day hockey (Crosby, Malkin, and Letang) mugging you in broad daylight (or at least in front of millions of viewers) and getting away with it. Between the Paci hit and being robbed it was a sad end to a riveting game.

Price was completely justified in his barely concealed anger. If only the Habs had played better all third period long then there wouldn’t have had to be an OT or a controversial ending! Hopefully someone will light a fire under Coach Martin and the team. They must be feeling the heat from the fans. You know, the ones (the 99%) who work their asses off for free hoping they will work theirs off for millions. In the meantime, Cammy and Martin might want to put out feelers for day jobs because an awful lot of us would be happy to see them go. I might be able to use Cammy, come to think of it, for assisting me in my lumberjack jobs this winter. He’d be perfect for it: No checking involved.

EPILOGUE: By now everyone’s heard Shanahan’s decision to suspend Pacioretty a jaw dropping 3 games. As I said earlier, Pacioretty deserved some form of punishment. Like a fine and/or a game suspension. But 3 games? That’s 3 games more than Chara got. Or, more recently, 3 more than Malone got for his hit on the Habs’ brand spanking new defenceman Campoli at the beginning of the season – a hit very similar to Paci’s on Letang.

Brendan Shanaban

I’m not upset about a suspension I’m upset about the amazing inconsistency in Shanahan’s ruling… made right at the same time as the bogus non-whistle on Price covering up the puck in the Pens game OT it is no wonder Habs fans are pissed off in a big, big way. For Christ’s sake (sorry to take Sidney’s name in vain) there wasn’t even a penalty called by any ref on Paci’s hit! Shanahan confirmed in his video that Letang saw Paci coming at him and he made the decision to shoot the puck yet when he ruled on the Malone hit on Campoli he said Campoli was at fault for going for the shot instead of the duck. That’s inconsistent.

@HABraCHadabra summed it up on Twitter perfectly: “The Patches [Paciotretty] suspension is objectively correct if the NHL wants to eradicate headshots, but subjectively dubious given the precedents so far” (11/28/11). The precedents so far: Malone, Chara, Lucic – no suspensions. Between this ruling and the OT goal fiasco the Habs are being treated unfairly while the Pens and Bruins are being treated like saints. And, honey, they aint no saints.”

You will follow Matt on twitter or he’ll chop your trees down: @mattsko

“Most people have bad habits that they wish, usually half heartedly, they could get rid of and be done. I managed to overcome an over-fondness for alcohol and now it takes absolutely no effort to just drink no more than a couple of glasses of wine every few days. But smoking is a habit I can’t seem to kick. I did quit for 9 months back in 2001 but then the 9/11 attacks happened and I picked right back up again. As if I didn’t have enough reasons to quit, smoking for me now is also like letting the terrorists win.

The Canadiens also have a bad habit they need to kick. I’ve come late to this conclusion but I’m now in the large camp of those who think the problem with the team’s performance is the coach, Jacques Martin.

Driving hard into the Sens' net - Photo: Canadiens.com

Since my last post here, the Habs played 5 times: 1 win (over the Senators,
with a one goal difference), 2 wins in OT (Coyotes, Predators), and 2 losses (Rangers, Oilers). Or another way to look at it is that we won over a team that is near the bottom with us, won in OT against two teams in the middle of the pack, and lost against two teams that are currently in the top 10 of the NHL.

And all the wins were razor-thin at best.

The lackluster results, and the inability to play with “big boys”, is not the fault of the players so much (but I will come back to that) but seemingly from a lack of emphasis on playmaking by the chief, sloppy or non-existent defencive coordination, over-reliance on Carey Price to save the team’s collective muscular ass, using combinations of players with different skills that don’t mesh well, using players ineffectively (like putting poor faceoff winners in the dot too often), and a miserable power play that all too often has ended up in allowing cringe inducing short-handed goals.

Firing Pearn, the coach in charge of special teams, has not resulted in any improvement in power plays or kills. No, I’m concluding that this does all come down to coach Martin’s inability to lead and manage the team effectively. The problems the team is having, at least most of them, are due to his poor management. We need a new coach.

I can’t even count how many times I’ve yelled out during the game: Where’s the defence? I see other teams with one or two of their players right in front of the net in crucial moments but all too often when an opposing team is at Carey’s doorstep he has no help, the defencemen off in the wings. Big Hall Gill is great at checking opponents but I’ve rarely seen him near the net.

The Habs have a lot of truly great talent on the team and they’ve got the speediest skaters this side of a Dutch speed skating oval. If only there was some direction, playmaking, and coordination of this talent it could really be exciting to watch.
Some positives:

Dreamboat Carey

Carey Price – Definitely one of the best goaltenders in the league, and kudos to him for remaining fairly cool-headed when Spezza, in the Senators game, ran Price and knocked him down – ending up with Spezza sitting in his lap in the net.  Something tells me Carey was not in the mood to… bottom at that moment.

 
Gill – Big, slow, great checking, but are you allergic to Price?

Subban – Say what you will, he does seem to get the team a lot of PPs since everyone seems to go after him. Lots of talent in this youngster, but still a diamond in the rough.

Plekanec – Top as far points on the team so far. He can drive hard in my five hole anytime.

Pacioretty – Great playmaking and scoring critical goals.

Gionta, Desharnais, and Kostitsyn – Great efforts at assisting, though not enough checking in my opinion.

Markov – May be back later this week. Hopefully up to snuff again but can’t imagine it’ll be the same. He could take the place of both Emelin and Diaz since they aren’t doing much!

Eller – Cute in that blond Scandinavian way, has his moments of brilliance.

Those of you who know the team may have noticed a conspicuous absence to my list. Cammaleri. Because I think he’s “the weakest link” and he’d be ripe for a trade. Or a swift kick in the ass to jump-start him at least.

We’ve got four games coming up this week. Two against top-tier teams (Rangers and Sabres) and two against teams even suckier than the Habs at the moment: the Islanders and the Canes. Hmmm, I wonder. Will the results be similar to that in the last two weeks? Wins against Islanders and Canes and losses to Rangers and Sabres? If Martin keeps going with the same style of coaching and non-play making then it’s as good a bet as any.

Hopefully at least there won’t be a repeat of the last game against the Rangers where some ignorant Rangers were rooting for their team by chanting “USA! USA! USA!”. As if it were the Olympics and the Canadiens were Team Canada.

Meanwhile, I can’t help but notice how the language used by hockey announcers to describe games in action may, not so subtly be a draw for gay fans. When I hear them say that two players are “battling hard, stick to stick”, or “he had full wood on that shot”, or the aforementioned “driving hard into his five hole”, or “he’s battling deep within Carey’s crease” I snap to attention. And then laugh at my immaturity in finding sexual innuendo even in sport announcing. It certainly doesn’t hurt to have moments of lightness when my team’s organization and playmaking has been sloppy at best.

Let me in that penalty box!

Here’s hoping they get some good wood on the puck and drive it in hard for the fans.

The Canadiens better get their act together. Because I have promised to quit smoking if they win the cup.

At the rate they’re going I’ll still be smoking next summer. I can’t do it on my own. It’s got to be a team effort! I’ll trade you 25 years of smoking for cup#25.”

Follow Matt on twitter or he’ll blow smoke in your face: @mattsko

“What a difference a week makes in the life of the Canadiens. And their fan base. When we last left off, the Habs were #29 in the NHL and going nowhere fast.

A dismal pre-season turned into a one victory regular season through the first eight games. Much of Montreal, one of North America’s largest cities, was, I heard, morose. 

No doubt vandalism and assault rates skyrocketed in the C.U.M. (Communite Urbain de Montreal) as fans took their frantic frustration and angst worthy of an army of Sartre characters out on both animate and inanimate objects around them. I, myself, was reduced to rending my clothes, pulling my hair, and muttering obscenities in both English and French while staring at the wall instead of working.

Many bloggers and journalists were calling for the coach’s head. On October 16th the Habs took on the Flyers. The first period passed by agonizingly slow with hardly any SOGs by either team. Plekanec looked like he was skating about as fast I can (that is not a compliment) and the Habs defence seemed absent minded as usual. I rolled my eyes.

Max Pacioretty

But then the second period started and there was a noticeable pick up in the pace of the game. Sloppy still, but faster. Then Kostistyn got a garbage goal, followed quickly by a pretty goal by Pacioretty – surprising everyone since he had an injured wrist and no one expected him to even play that night. Price was no longer flopping around like a bee got under his gear but diving and sliding like the skilled goaltender we know and love.

There were, for once, even noticeable attempts at defending the goal by defencemen. Cole was like a man on fire all of a sudden. I went from quivering in excitement, to trembling, and eventually to convulsions as I watched my team finally get it together. With the additional goals by Cammy, Cole, and a second one from Paci the Habs won the game 5-1 and Price got his 100th winning game. After the game Price said that Paci “had some pretty big nuts playing injured”. Maybe so, I’ll never know, but big nuts or not the Habs turned their game around.

Up next were two games against the arch-rival Bruins. Though the Bruins were not having a great start to their season either, they are the reigning Stanley Cup Champs and beat up on the Habs fairly consistently last year. I figured there would be a lot of penalties and fighting in the two games.

P.K. Subban

The first game didn’t start off well, with Plekanec basically scoring a goal on Price off a faceoff to give the Bruins the first goal of the game. Not good. The Bruins seemed to focus in on slamming Subban as often as they could, his goading possibly being the cause of it. Nevertheless, the Bruins kept falling for it and racking up penalties. Marchand and Subban had a game stopping fight, which they later laughed off in post-game interviews. Which is pretty big of them considering it was a laughable fight. Cole got a goal. But then there was lots of back and forth, but no penetration, through the rest of the second.

Tomas Plekanec

Price performed a miracle save on a Bergeron breakaway and I actually saw Diaz defending the goal effectively. All good signs. In the third the pace picked up further and the Habs, despite having a problem winning faceoffs, kept hammering the Bruins goal and poking every one of their holes till finally Pleky slammed one in. In the right net this time. Habs won 2-1. And I had to have a post-game cigarette because it felt like I just had 60 minutes of rough sex.

In fact, winning against the Bruins, in my book, is almost better than sex.

The second game against the Bruins started out where the last one left off. Frantic and speedy to and fro. Surprisingly, the first penalty didn’t come till 16 minutes into the game. Pleky scored on that power play, with Eller scoring about a minute later to bring the Habs up 2-0. The Bruins were noticeably getting agitated and kept pulling their harassment and roughing antics both during play and after the whistle was blown.

In the second period Desharnaies got a goal shortly before Eller missed a wide open B’s net. The Bruins scored and then denied a Paci breakaway. The B’s goaltender came way out and threw himself under Paci’s skates, sending him and the puck flying to the end boards. Apparently the only reason this was legal was because the goal tender managed to touch the puck first. In the third, the Bruins came out hitting and slamming, driving hard shots down low. With 1:46 left in the game Seguin scored for the Bruins. But Pleky came back and answered with an empty net goal to end the game with a 4-2 victory.

Erik Cole

So what on earth turned the Habs around? No one had a definitive explanation. Factors that contributed to the 3 game winning streak included: Plekanec and Cole playing like they were on fire, the firing of an assistant coach in charge of special teams, Carey Price getting rid of his pink leg pads (such much for breast cancer awareness – pink and hockey apparently just don’t mix), Gomez (who had been a big hole in the defence) being injured and out, actually putting defencemen in front of Price, and more coordination of plays.  My moving my lucky Habs beer cozy to a new lucky location in my living room no doubt helped out as well. Feng shui, baby!

Goaltender Carey Price

But I think the main reason for the turnaround was due to psychology. Confidence, and the focus of keeping your eyes on the prize, returned. “That’s all it took, just a couple of wins. Now the guys are excited to go to the rink again” Carey Price was quoted as saying. I’m wondering if the Canadiens didn’t hire some sports psychologists to work with the team to get them back into the winning mood in the first place though. Then after that win after win after win it just wound the team up into a force, finally, to be reckoned with. Hal Gill described obtaining the positive or virtuous cycle of success a little differently:

“God, I hate confidence, because you need confidence to win and you get confidence when you start winning,” Gill said. “It’s more about trust in your teammates and playing as a team than confidence. With that, you get confidence as a team together. That’s what we need.” (from an article on NHL.com by Arpon Basu). But it’s got to start somewhere!

Creepiest.Hockey.Pic.Ever

I also think that the evil Chara jinxed the Bruins by wearing a pink bunny suit for a charitable event before the two games against the Habs.

Pink, as I said before, just doesn’t mix with hockey for some reason. The photos of him in the silly suit were widely circulated before the game and no doubt Habs players saw them and saw their opponent in a new, and vulnerable, light.

Better watch out, Markov is coming back!

Markov is now back in Montreal and should be good to join the team later in the month. With him back, and if Cammy and Gionta step up their game, the Habs will be looking really good.

However, what seems a mystery to most people is why did Carey’s Price game improved so much recently – to the point he was named one of the three stars of the NHL last week. I have the answer to that too.

I dressed up as a female teenage fan. Donned a wig, slapped some diamond studs in my ears, put on my favorite sweatshirt, grabbed my taupe vinyl handbag I wouldn’t normally be caught dead wearing in public and headed down to the rink to give Carey a good luck kiss. 

And THAT’S all it took to turn the Habs around. There’s NOTHING I won’t do for my team! Me and Carey sitting in a tree…”

Follow Matt, or that hot chick on twitter: @mattsko