QUICK TAKES: Last Week: 0-2-1

Pittsburgh Penguins – Loss 4-0 – Huh? What? No, what do you mean they played this game? I don’t remember it. Nuh uh. Crosby scored wha-? Nope, sorry mister, not ringing any bells. Nope.

Montreal Canadiens – Loss 3-2 – Man can not subsist on Alex Ovechkin alone, and the Caps learned it here. When one player is carrying the whole team on his shoulders, sometimes Atlas shrugs, and I’m going to go rinse out my mouth for making an Ayn Rand reference.

Toronto Maple Leafs – Loss 2-1 (SO) – James Reimer is a witch and should be burned. Fifty saves. FIFTY. Ovechkin scored and the Caps dominated the shot count, so we’ll take the consolitory Loser Point, like a fudgsicle after a flu shot.

Like that flu shot, this week hurt, seeing the Caps taking just one of a possible six points. With three games this Thanksgiving week, let’s see what to keep an eye on circa this Turkey Day.

Czech Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

Okay, so The Trade was a bad one. You were right, Internet. Martin Erat has officially requested a trade out of Washington, while Filip Forsberg is still in Nashville, not operating in a state of open rebellion. Crap.

Washington got the short end of the goalless hockey stick, but the scales aren’t tipped as heavily towards Dollywood as los pollos pocos would have you believe. Filip Forsberg was one of our most highly-touted young prospects, but honestly, this is the Capitals we’re talking about. I’m sure there’s a bum walking around Adams Morgan that we gave a contract to once.

Forsberg only shined in Sweden because he played in their second-tier league, a league I can only assume was called “Sekondtiersesliga.” Forsberg only has one goal more than Erat’s zero, and exactly the same number of points. Like dumping your Boeing stock and investing it all in Old-Timey Jumping Eight-Winged Crashmobiles, we traded away the future for a now-bust stop-gap. Now we’re left holding the bag, costing four and a half million dollars, made by Prada. Excuse me, Praha.

That stinks, but the worst part is that Erat is exactly the kind of player the Capitals need. Like the History Channel on Halloween, he’s all about possession. When the Capitals aren’t playing well, they make a lot of “hopeful,” passes. As in, better “hope” somebody else makes a play, because that pass sucked. Lots of lazy lobs, lots of dump and chase, very few competent, tape-to-tape, click-clack passes. The zone is entered with the timid frustration of a geek in a talent show.

We never quite seem in control of the game. But Erat is very good with rationing the space he’s given by the defense, taking just what he needs to advance the play. He slows down the tempo and takes the time a hockey player needs to line up his targets, be they goals or teammates. I don’t know who will take his place, but it seems to me that if they already existed on this team, I wouldn’t feel so worried.

Brouw-beaten and Un-Laiched

Like Dumbo at an annual performance review, I’m going to address the underperforming elephant in the room. Brooks Laich and Troy Brouwer, our second-line combo, have scored a combined thirteen points this season.

Those thirteen points come over a combined forty-eight man-games, “man-games” being a statistic, and not a mumbled excuse. That works out to ONE of them, getting ONE point, every 3.69 games. That’s preposterous.

I know, we all love the Laich puns. We love the smile, and we love the personality. He’s every fan’s favorite player. He’s the Capitals’ Chris Cooley. But he’s playing like garbage right now, and so is Smellin’ of Troy. Brouwer, he of Stanley Cup pedigree and Loveable Grinder credentials, has just not been making the precise skill plays that Oates’ system requires.

It may be the case that what we’re seeing is the exposing of the dinosaurs in the Capitals locker room – the players that were well-adapted for old iterations of the Caps, but are obsolete in the Oatesazoan Era. And so you have to ask: who do I believe in more? Adam Oates, and his system, or the old-school grit of guys like Laich and Brouwer. And I hate to say it, but I pick Oates.

Now let’s turn to a special Thanksgiving edition of the segment that Iran refused to destroy its stockpiles of:

LIABLE TO LIBEL: A BAKER’S DOZEN LIES ABOUT THIS WEEK’S OPPONENTS

1. Senators winger Clarke MacArthur is thankful he doesn’t play in Boston, where his name would be something more like “CLAHK MACKAHTHAH,” or nails on a chalkboard.
2. Ottawa is thankful to the six or seven Americans aware it, and not Toronto or one of several especially nice Tim Hortons’, is the capital of Canada.
3. Bobby Ryan is thankful to get out of that freezing, desolate hell hole of Southern California to spend his winters in sunny Ottawa.
4. The Sens are thankful to the American Congress for making Ottawa home games the second-most unwatchable collection of senators on TV.
5. Montreal right-wing Rene Bourque is thankful that middle school is over and bullies have finally stopped saying he has a girl’s name.
6. Left winger Travis Moen is thankful he never got that tattoo of “The Faucet” above his butt crack.
7. The City of Montreal is thankful to mayor Rob Ford for making their secessionist anachronisms seem much less crazy.
8. Habs defenseman P.K. Subban is thankful his parents didn’t name him “pee-pee” Subban.
9. Right winger Brian Gionta is thankful there were no auditions calling for “average-looking white guys” when he was growing up, or he may never have found hockey.
10. New York Islanders goalie Evgeni Nabokov is thankful for his name that makes him sound like someone James Bond would drown in his own shark tank.
11. Right winger Michael Grabner is thankful for his name because it lets him make his favorite joke, “Grabner? I barely KNOW her!”
12. The Greater Long Island area is thankful for “The Great Gatsby,” because it reminds the world that being trashy is a tradition.
13. Mike Milbury is thankful for Alex Ovechkin, because making asinine comments about him is the only thing keeping his name in the news.

And on that note, we must part ways, Capitals fans. May all your yams be candied and all your ‘duckens be tur-ed. Have a Happy Thanksgiving, and as always: Goodnight, good luck, and Go Caps.

Once each year, we empty our closets – as it were – and give our Caps sweaters and other assorted jerseys a good wash, whether they need it or not. Actually, they always need it.

Traditionally this happens just before the start of NHL season play, giving us a good chance to wash all of last year’s frustrations, desperation, tear stains, Dippin’ Dots schmutz and mustard down the drain.

That said, being good gays, we’re uncomfortable with just chucking them in the tub, tossing in some Fab and hoping for the best. Will our Brooksie autograph fade? Will our Nicky sweater start to fray? And just how are you supposed to get mustard out?

Taking a cue from two-time Pulitzer prize winner (apparently they were really, really  high) Gene Weingarten of the Washington Post, we gave Reebok Customer Service a call and spoke with Erin about proper care and washing tips. The transcript follows. [Reminder: Add the disclaimer about this being fiction or Reebok will sue the crap out of us].

Erin: Thanks for calling Reebok. This is Erin, how can I help you?

PB’s: Hi Erin. We have a Green jersey, which we love, but it kept getting damaged a lot. Now we have a Laich jersey and it’s showing some damage, too. What are we doing wrong?

Erin: Hard to say. They’re pretty tough, but sometimes all it takes is a little accident and it can start to unravel. What sort of soap are you using?

PB’s: We had been using “Hunter’s Helper” but that didn’t work out so well. Now we’re using something that has, like, oats in it or something. It’s supposed to a little more forgiving I guess.

Erin: I’d stick with that for a while. What else?

PB’s: Alright, we just picked up this other jersey, #43. It’s brand new, a little on the big size. Trouble is, he keeps getting tangled up with the other jerseys in the closet. Any suggestions?

Erin: Hmmm, Are you sure you wanna keep it?

PB‘s:  Heck yeah, I hope we have room for it. We’ll have to decide soon.

Erin: What else can I help with?

PB’s: One of our jerseys is covered in Semin. What do you suggest?

Erin: Um… [Awkward silence]. Sir, I’m not sure I can help you with this. Anything else?

PB’s: We’ve got this one jersey that we just adore, made in Sweden, we think. It’s not that old but last year it seemed like it started to fade just a bit. Any ideas?

Erin: Have you tried untucking it?

PB’s: We always wear them tucked. That seems like a silly idea.

Erin: Sir, the instructions are very clear. Untucked. Anything else?

PB’s: Do you take trade-ins? We have this #85….

Initially the two men aren’t sure they’re reading each other’s signals right, but once that’s sorted out the practical matters kick in. Not only is there the problem of the two living in different countries, there’s also the matter of Noah being in the closet, especially if he makes the announcement while his contract negotiations are happening. Beyond that, there’s the excessively horny woman that’s managing Noah’s project who would like nothing better than to snag Noah for herself. The biggest hurdle for the new couple though might just be that Callum has an even larger job booked next—working on the Olympics in Rio.

Ryder’s created two great characters with Callum and Noah. Callum is no standard issue IT geek as he likes to workout, doesn’t shy away from a trip to a cabin in the woods and has no issues with social interactions. It’s initially Noah who is the more closed off since he’s unsure what would happen if he came out of the closet while he’s playing. As the two get to know each other and figure out how and if they’ll move forward, they are completely adorable alternating between a bit of frustration and head-over-heels love. Callum and Noah have some great turns in bed too, as you would expect of two people falling in love.

The woman causing trouble is a lot of fun too, at least from the reader’s perspective. Initially Amy seems like a minor, mostly nuisance character. However, when she tries to dig her claws into Noah, fireworks fly as Callum goes from merely jealous into being a protector.

Noah is great for a summer read with its ideal mix of romance, sex and roadblocks for the guys to overcome. After the jump, I chat with Ben about the book.

An Interview with Ben Ryder
For British-born Ben Ryder, Noah is a bit of a personal fantasy as he had a career in IT when he left college. That combined with his relatively new found love of hockey to form the story. “I’ve become a huge hockey fan in the past few years,” he says. “Ice hockey isn’t as popular a sport in Britain as it is in Canada or the U.S. I wasn’t exposed to it until I started traveling more as an adult. My first game was watching the Rangers take on the Stars in Madison Square Garden on one of my first trips to New York. I was taken with the action, especially after growing up watching soccer, which is such a slow game in comparison. I was even more taken once I saw the players with their helmets off.”

Ryder visits the American Southwest often as he has family there. The local team isn’t the one that he follows. “Although I have seen a couple of Coyotes games, I have to admit I follow, and am a bigger fan of, the Caps. That has a lot to do with Brooks Laich.”

In addition to meeting Noah and Callum in this novella, there’s a planned full-length novel to come later in 2013. “This is the first in a set of stories that revovle around the lives of Englishmen who find relationships overseas,” Ryder says. “Though each story is a standalone, there is a plot that runs through them all that connects them.” Ryder says Noah and Callum appear briefly in the other books in the series, just as some of the characters in Noah get full length stories of their own later in the series.

Within Noah, Ryder has two favorite scenes in the book: “The first is the scene in the cabin when Callum finds out that Noah is gay and becomes a bumbling fool. It’s the realization that his fantasy could become a reality. The second is the really corny poem that Noah texts Callum after a game. The poem is truly dreadful, but it’s the fact that he has tried that makes it so endearing.”

Ryder’s second book in the series debuted in June: Side Line is set in the Middle East with a closeted U.S. Marine and an out-and-proud British beer promotions manager. There’s also a third book coming in August: Released.

Another book for your consideration…

I need to make a quick non-hockey-related book recommendation.

Openly Straight by Bill Konigsberg is an outstanding young adult novel that delves into the issue of being labeled, what those labels can mean to your life and the consequences of not being your true self.

In the book, Rafe Goldberg is a high school junior who transfers to a boarding school half way across the country because he wants to escape the label of “the gay kid.”

Regardless of your age, this book deserves to be on your must-read list. You can read my full review over at jeffandwill.com for more details.

Now, the entire city of Washington is balancing on that skate blade. Like the morning shift at a strip club, the Capitals’ season is up for grabs. It is a testament to how awful this team was at the start of the season that the playoffs are still not a sure thing despite this recent streak, but the way this lockout season will be remembered in Washington will be decided this week. Let’s get into it.

The Capitals play three games this week: against Toronto on Tuesday, at Ottawa on Thursday, and at Montreal on Saturday. Canada Week has begun in the nation’s capital like a syrup-soaked apology, and the Caps’ season is teetering on the precipice like a tipsy canuck sipping Molson. Yes, the Mighty Mighty Washington Capitals have won a league-best seven games in a row and are currently driving the Southeast division like the mad captain of a sinking ship.

We need to not kid ourselves, though; this baby is far from a sure thing. The Caps are only two points ahead of the eighth-place Rangers, and only four points ahead of fellow Southeast bottom-dweller Winnipeg. One loss, and we’ve slipped out of the top eight. Two losses, and it’s a long, lonely summer for the Capitals. That’s how close this thing is, so let’s not get too comfortable.

I’m going to propose two alternate realities to you: one optimistic, one pessimistic. Let’s examine how the next few months might play out if the Caps manage to cry havoc and let slip the dog sleds of war, tearing through Canada like the Keystone pipeline, and how things might go if the wheels fall off this Miata before we reach May.

Scenario 1: The Capitals Lose

A good groin is hard to come by in this town, and it comes back to bite the Caps. Brooks Laich never makes it back into the lineup, and his grit and good decision-making are sorely missed. Erat needs more than six games to learn a system it took the entire team several months to figure out, and he isn’t able to produce enough to fill the void. As a result, tough customers Matt Hendricks and Jason Chimera are brought back up to the top line to inject some sort of testosterone-driven urgency into the team, but everyone forgets that they can’t score.

Meanwhile the defense, like a non-profit pimp, gives away too many scoring chances. John Carlson is hearing the calls from Hollywood for his services as a carpet cleaning spokesman, and that extra time on set is less time on the ice. Ol’ Spike Strip reverts to his early season habit of blowing tires on the back check, and Jack Hillen, like Obi Wan wailing that Anakin was supposed to be the chosen one, is unable to save him. The Capitals implode like a neutron star, and there are no playoffs this year for DC.

It’s a long off-season in Washington. The old echoes of “no top-six talent” come floating back like the damned wails of the ghost of Jacob Marley. This time, George McPhee can’t claim he’s backloading for the future; Filip Forsberg has by now been elected mayor of Nashville and has cut a platinum album with Carrie Underwood. 

GMGM, breaking out in a cold sweat, runs to his red emergency phone and dials the Too-Good-For-Their-Age-Defensemen Hotline in Hershey, but there is no answer. Hershey has no more young studs to send to Washington to shore up our defenses; the well has finally run dry.  McPhee collapses on the floor of his office, and is shaken awake by an aid. “It’s Kuznetsov,” the aid whispers. “He says he’s not coming anymore.”

Meanwhile, Ovi and Maria spend the offseason on a goodwill tour, visiting theme parks and defeating all comers in any conceivable athletic endeavor. Alex Semin pens his tell-all memoir, and Ted Leonsis declares that the Wizards are now his top priority.

There is no joy in Mudville in this scenario. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

Scenario 2: The Capitals Win

The Caps make poutine out of Toronto and Ottawa, and Montreal cries “merde!” as Ovechkin rolls over them without a thought like so much English grammar. Meanwhile, our centers keep making plays. Mike Ribeiro only knows how to move two things: pucks, and attitude, and he moves plenty of both. He and Backstrom make more assists than the staff of a retirement community, and the offense keeps clicking like Jaromir Jagr’s hip. The power play continues to utterly overpower opponents, and Adam Oates writes a hit song called “I Told Y’all So.”

On the other side of the puck, Alzner keeps squeezing dudes against the boards like a cruise ship activity director and Mike Green finally realizes, “Wait, I’m on defense?” Holtby and Neuvirth are called on to make fewer saves than a Las Vegas priest, and trash is cleared from in front of the net faster than you can say “Orlov.” With the ability to move the puck quickly out of their own zone, and deftly around once in the attacking zone, the ice begins to tilt for the Capitals and good times are here.

Oh, and Ovi wins the Hart.

With an offensive savant behind the bench and a newly dedicated cast of players executing properly, this Capitals juggernaut could really make a run into the playoffs. The Capitals were a team sans identity last year, and they were still able to knock off the defending champs. As we saw with the Kings last year, it’s all about getting hot at the right time. The Capitals were slower to get up to speed this year than an Eli Whitney cotton gin, but with all the pieces in place and players coming back from injuries, the Caps are rolling downhill and have won 11 of their last 13 games.

When they get into the playoffs, they will face a field of five mediocre eastern conference teams, and three bona fide contenders (Pittsburgh, Boston and Montreal). For the Penguins, Crosby and Malkin are hurt, and as deep as that team is, the Pens need those guys. The Caps have beaten both Boston and Montreal this year, the latter in Montreal. There is not a team in the league that wants to play the Washington Capitals in the first round, and that is a new development.

So What Should I Look For This Week?

Watch the urgency with which the team is playing. When the Caps nearly collapsed in the third period in what should have been a blow out against Tampa Bay, it was because they reverted to their worst habit: the patented “lazy pass to no one.” Hockey is tiring. I play the sport, I get it. But most of the Capitals’ woes come from an unwillingness to skate hard to make the play that is available. It is easier to make an outlet pass to someone else and hope they do the work. But you will not ever win hockey games that way, period. As I’ve said, hockey is a game of a million consequent nows. If you see the Caps busting their asses to win little battles that you aren’t even sure are important, be glad and take courage. If you see them limping their way through the neutral zone and turning over a lot of passes, be worried.

A week from now, we’ll have a very good idea whether or not the Capitals are going to make the playoffs, and how deep they have a shot to go if they do. I don’t know about you, but if I have to watch baseball for the next two months, I’m going to scream. For that reason alone, I say, Go Caps.