Philadelphia, we need to say something.  Consider this an intervention.

You are to America what vomit is to a wedding -uninvited, disgusting, and gag-inducing.  For years we’ve tried ignoring you, hoping you’d get the hint and just go away and take Hall+Oates with you, but you haven’t, so you’ve forced us to say this.

You are the flop-sweat on Mark Zuckerberg’s forehead.  You are a Frank Rizzo lap-dance.  Visiting you is, for the rest of us, marginally better than gargling with battery acid.  Playing at one of your fields is almost as bad as “Real Housewives.”  Any of them.

Hey, tough love man.

Now, it’s not like you haven’t provided moments of amusement over the years.  Remember the guy who threw out a pitch with his freshly re-attached hand – the very first one – and you booed?  Classic.  That guy who ran onto the field and got tased, and everybody laughed? #winning! The douchebag who admitted to intentionally puking on an 11-year-old girl in the stands?  Hilarious!

And of course, you have helped Caps and Pens fans take their first healing steps – with no less than Ted Leonsis noting after the Winter Classic there’s one thing we could both agree on: Flyers Suck!

Is any of this sinking in?  Have you even been listening? Hey!  Are you throwing batteries at me?

OK, while the rest of us suppress our gag-reflex, let’s take a look at just who are Boys in Red will be tangling with tonight on the ice.  And this is the part that kills us: the Flyers are simply a team packed with talent…and eye candy.

Few are as talented, and candyish, as Jeff Carter.  the 6’3″ Canadian center has tallied over 30 goals this season – most recently with his GWG in a shoot-out with the Stars.  And he began his career playing with the Sault Ste. Marie Greyhounds – a team close to our heart.

As good as he is on the ice, he’s said to be as bad off it.  He apparently likes his booze, beaches, and bimbos, to paraphrase one blogger who relates this tweet:

“overheard from a girl crying on the phone last night..”Jeff Carter kicked me out of his bed”

I think we understand the tears.

Also worth crying over is team captain Mike Richards.  Smaller than Carter, he still packs a punch where it counts and seems to be doing better since returning from injury earlier this year knocking the puck in 20 times so far.  

Daniel Carcillo may be better known for his brawling – and apparent inability to find a good dentist – but he fills out his uni fine…as do Braydon Coburn and Kris Versteeg.

Now that we think about it, there’s a reason a lot of the Flyers are so hot. None of them come from Philadelphia.

And perhaps it’s not just the fans who misbehave.

Ovie Watch: No break, just bruise a little…we hope.  And in the meantime….Sasha? Time to show us what Russian Machine can do.

Let’s just say it: most people go to southern Florida to, in one form or another, die. (That’s why there’s such killer antiquing down there!)  Judging by last night, however, our Caps don’t intend to be most people.

For the first time in a long, loooong time, we’re heading into a key contest with a four-game win streak (OK, two of them were OTs) and first place in Southeast division at our backs. Yes, there are areas of concern – our PP is still boo-worthy (but don’t go there), Ovechkin still tends to bauble easy passes and shots (although standbys Backstrom and Knubs compensate), and it seems almost impossible for the Caps to get on the board first.  Our games are consistently too close, and sloppy play like Wideman’s ill-timed slashing Sunday reliably puts us behind the eight ball.

(AP Photo/Wilfredo Lee)

That and all the other bitching, deserved or not, said….somehow it seems to be working.  Coach Bruce “Juggles” Boudreau seems to have found mostly the right combos for his lines – 1st (Ovie, Nicky, Sturm) and 4th (Gordo, Hendy and Bradley – or the “Hooligan” line as we think of it) standing out last night, Arnott’s 2nd a bit asleep and Mojo’s 3rd workmanlike – and has clearly found the right man to tend goal.  Neuvy is clocking in with amazing performances lately (helped along by Gordon and Carlson) and we’re hopeful that soon Varly, Greenie, and Fehr will be back on ice where they belong.

From Ovie's twit-pics. We wanna see the shots he didn't tweet out.

And look…say what you want about our sleep-walking Sasha.  We do, and we still love him.  In part for moments like last night’s OT rifle-shot that gave us the GWG.  And in part because he’s still Sasha-beautiful.  (Nah, it doesn’t really work, does it.  Semin-tastic? Mmm…no, Sem-sational?.)  He’s everything we want: namely, he performs when we want him to.  HA!

OK.  The Caps still have a job to do tonight.  Mangling the Bolts.  It’s not gonna be easy; but then again, what is?

Since nabbing Dwayne Roloson, Tampa has proven elusive for the Caps – with the Bolts winning two of the last three.  On the other hand, star hottie Steve Stamkos is looking more like a nottie lately, and his production deficit may have something to do with the Bolts dropping six of their last nine.  Yzerman is a clever man – he knows his teams’ weakness (offense) and Washington’s strength (defense) means the Bolts have to come out swinging fast and hard.

(AP Photo/Wilfredo Lee)

This is going to be a physical game.  And by physical we don’t mean just Hendricks laying down the hurt.  Expect the Bolts to be up in our grills from puck-drop and not let up. An early indicator for us tonight is how the Caps hit the ice.  Within the first five minutes we’ll know whether they’re ready for a whompin’ an’ a stompin’, or a nice nappy.

Oh, and we can’t forget the ice-cake. We’ve noted some of the Dolts‘ hotties previously: Stamkos, Downie, St. Louis, Lundin, Clark and suit Steve Yzerman. Yup.  Pretty much run through the roster there.

There is one guy that still catches our eye: Marc-Andre Bergeron.  Not really so much hockey-hottie, more big goof.  We grew up surrounded by guys like Bergeron.  Generally speaking, what they lack in physical heat they more than make up in other ways.

Bergeron in his "Wild" years (Bruce Bennett/Getty Images)

Maybe it was our Ginsberg homage, but we’re starting to re-think this whole “On The Road” bit.  I mean, look where it got Kerouac.  And look where it’s getting our Caps.

Granted, there is a spot of difference between losing one road-trip game, and dying a dessicated penniless husk. And our Boys in Red did appear to play harder and more consistently in Phoenix…at least during the first two stanzas.  That, and although it’s still a work in progress, for the first time in a while our PP seemed more Power than Play. (Damn you, Ilya Bryzgalov!)

However it looks like it might be a while before Mean Mike Green returns, following his gash and possible-maybe-rumored concussion.  The Caps have called up defenseman Patrick McNeill (6′, 23 years old, shoots left) from the Bears – a solid player, but no Greenie at a time we desperately need him.

For their part, the Ducks have been on a roll of late, winning their last four straight. They recently blanked Edmonton (but what’s that saying, really?) and their mid-season surge has nudged them into first place in the Pacific.  So we’ve got a date at the Duck Pond tonight, and these Anaheim ducks bite.

Anaheim…shit. I’m still only in Anaheim.

Awright, let’s back up for a moment.  We know we can get a little rough on some of the “cities” that host our Caps.  Like, say, Toronto.  Or Atlanta.  Or Phoenix.  Or…

So let us take this moment to now review the bounty of cultural gifts this great metropolis has bestowed upon us, won’t we?  Take away the brain-dribbling nightmares of Disneyland and what’s left?  Well, there’s the overly-botoxed avarice of the “Real Housewives.”  There’s the overly-tanned mendacity of “B-1″ Bob Dornan.  And…

…umm…

Well there’s “the Finnish Flash.”  Teemu Selanne, the 40-year-old Energizer Bunny from Helsinki who just keeps playing and playing and scoring and scoring.
True dat he looks a bit like a Clockwork Orange droogie…but you’d still want him on your team. 

Luka Sbisa wins the prize for Most Confusing Name (“is that a hockey player or lesbian sex act?”) but from what we’ve seen there’s nothing girly about this one.

Cam Fowler has a certain high-school-geeky thing going.  Or more like he coulda been a gleeky kid (it’s the red hair) who’s now all growed up.

But our favorite Duck foto has to be this one of  Corey Perry.  We didn’t bother to authenticate it, or figure out what it’s origins are.  That’s how much we want this to be him. 

Well well, what a difference a week makes.  Just ask that guy…Hosni-whatever.  (‘Extended vacation at a Red Sea resort?  That’s for me!’)

Let’s go back to last Tuesday, when we were feeling all fuzzy about the Caps.  Remember Tuesday?  Remember how our Boys were finally back to hitting on all cylinders against division rival Tampa Bay?  Remember our man-handling of the Pens? Remember the defense, the second-efforts at the crease, the hits?

We hope you do because this weekend it looked like Boudreau’s Boys had completely forgotten.  Everything’s already been said about their deflating performance against the Kings…but, like Mo Udall noted, not everyone has said it.  So here’s our take.

courtesy AP/Jacquelyn Martin

It’s the job of the player to commit to performing the best they can; it’s the job of the leadership to make clear they expect that, and make corrections in its absence.   Our Caps are playing like they assume to win…or worse, like they expect they’ll lose.  Judging by their recent comments, Knubs and Nicky19 get what they need to do.  We’re hoping Coach B. and Capt. Ovechkin do as well.

There.  Now everyone has said it.  Moving on…

So we’re on the road.  First stop, Pumpkinville.  Or Phoenix, as it was later aspirationally renamed.  Whatever…this is just a city that just does not deserve to be America’s fifth largest – and most definitely does not deserve a hockey team.

People! Hockey’s played on ice! In the snow! You have to drive to the snow from there. Their barn is called the Jobing.com arena.  Really?  What is that – Craigslist for dirty prostitutes?

And seriously: how hockey are they really?  Does Phoenix want a curling team, too?  No, I don’t think so.  Does Phoenix have a Timmy Ho’s?  Do they know their toque from their trolley tracks?  Fat chance.

We’re saving our editorial juice for a number of big items we’ve got planned, so will pass on the game preview tonight.  Instead, we’re just offering some fresh hockey-candy for you.

Behold: Taylor Pyatt.

Maybe it’s the sunshine today and that the faint breath of Spring in the air.  Perhaps it’s the news that PB-favs Joe B, Locker and Smokin’ Al have seen their ratings jump 29% in the last year – third best nationally!  Or it could just be the Jack in our sippy cups.

Whatever the reason, today we’re walkin’ a lil’ bit lighter (don’t…) and feelin’ good about the Caps’ fishin’ expedition at Verizon tonight.  And why not, after our last two outings?  Friday’s return to Caps Old Form might have been written off as a fluke, we worried, were it not for Sunday’s even manlier trouncing of the Pens.

And in news that’s sure to make fanbois everywhere all aflutter, Alexander Semin returns to the ice tonight!  This is good news on several levels – in part because an aggressive AS could be just the extra push the Caps appeared to need if they hope to make playoffs.  And because PuckBuddy Craig was considering holding a vigil at Sasha’s house.  I see stalking charges!

But all is not unicorns and peppermints in Red World…not that we consider either a good thing.  Greenie’s still out with rumors of something that may resemble – or be – a concussion.  (He’s up and around, though, and sporting a healthy souvenir from Sunday, as Chris Gordon twitpic’d.)  Fehr and Poti also remain scratched; their return is not looking so good.

And the Sharks have been biting lately (hahahaha…the Sharks have…oh nevermind) as they aim to bump their winning streak to four.  Neuvy and Varly may be walling off the net, but the Sharks’ Antti Nieti is no (Stanley Cup-winning) pushover in the twine.

We could go on about the strong shark line Joe Pavelski and Patrick Marleau help comprise, or the defense work of “Danny Boy” Boyle.  But that’s not why we’re here.  So here’s your hockeymeat.

Our hope for tonight is that we make fast work of these Sharks.  Come to think about it, I could use a little sashimi.

We all know what opinions are like. Everyone has them, most of them smell, and rarely are they asked to be shared. And yet they are…often, and freely.  Joyfully, sometimes.

Take for instance last Tuesday’s game, during which we – and everyone in section 428 – were repeatedly and loudly informed that CAREY PRICE SUCKSSS! from one analyst conveniently seated directly behind us.  So helpful!  Such keen insight truly helped us better understand the many factors that led to our evaporating game that night.

There’s lots of opinion about what happened, what it may signal, and who’s to blame.  And none other than Nicky19 says he’s found part of the problem: himself. Well, him and the Caps’ other ‘star players’. WaPo’s Katie Carrera quotes Backstrom as saying:

“At the beginning of a period, game we have to get some shifts in the other team’s zone, get things going. I think if we do that then everybody follows. We haven’t been doing that too much and that’s why this happens. It’s a little bit frustrating too…”

Well, yes it is Nick.  “We know we have it, we just have to show it,” he adds. Tonight would be a good time to start showing, and help chase down Tampa.

Speaking of showy, lets see who’s showing and telling on the Tampa Bay roster.

Our last Bolts scouting report highlighted Stamkos and Yzerman: two Bolts well worth noting.  Add to the list assistant captain Martin St. Louis.

More handsome and less hot, his season could be described as either, or both.  He’s currently 2nd in NHL assists, and the Lightning are 21-5-2 when he gets one.  At just 5’8″ he’s something of a little guy on the ice, but clearly the 35-year-old winger can move…and move the puck.  (He’s also got one of those names that’s just fun to say.  MarTAHN Sahnt LooEE!)

Noted, too, is defenseman Brett Clark.  This is his first season with Tampa coming from the Avs, and while he may not yet be having the season of his dreams, he’s big, he hits, he’s great at blocking shots, and not too bad at taking them either.

And as long as they’re showing, we’ll end with Steve Downie.  An acquisition from Philly (boooo!!) he’s on something of a hot streak, with 2 goals and 5 assists in his last 10 outings.

Wait…did somebody say hot?

Beagle's Back, Baby!

OK, now that we’ve all woken up returned from the NHL All-Star snoozefest spectacular and burnt put down our Guardian Project train wrecks graphic novels, it’s time to get drunken and bitter serious again about Capitals hockey. And what better team is there to get serious about than the Canadiens?

And of course the Internets today are full of “Oh What Ever Will We Do??” teeth-gnashing from Caps fans as we head into our make/break second half of the season.  (Eh, go find ‘em yourself.  We don’t feel like linking to any more belly-groaning today than we have to.)  (And that’s what your comments are for, anyway.)

courtesy Comcast Sports Network

Look, we get it.  We all get it.  The coaching staff gets it.  Every dope buying $8 light beer at Verizon gets it.  That jelly doughnut Coach B had for breakfast and spilled on his shirt this morning?  Gets it.

There’s no secret about what has to happen with our Boys in Red the next two months.  Tighten up team play during PPs, less dancing and more goals from the offense, get our goal-minder sitch stable and get our boys-with-the-owies, like T-Po and Sasha, healed and back on the ice.

And there’s no better time to start getting on with it than tonight with the Canadiens.  Home crowd?  Check.  Jay Beagle back from the Bears? Check check.  An opponent who knows how to show up and play?  Double check.

Speaking of, Coach Jacques Martin and his boys in bleu blanc et rouge come to town looking to bring the Caps a little comeuppance, following their last meeting where Varly turned in a perfect performance, leading to a 3-0 shutout.

Sure, star players like Cammalleri, Kostitsyn, Wisniewski, Plekanec and Hamrlik (What is this?  The Hamtramk phonebook?) get all the attention.  But there are plenty of vowel-challenged Habs who are worth a second look.  Or third.

Take Jeff Halpern.  Gladly!  The Potomac, MD-born center has made his travels of late – the Stars, Lightning, the Kings, and now the Habs.  We’re thinking anyone would be happy to get out of any of those places…and we’re betting Montreal’s front office is happy with their acquisition, too, the way he’s been finding the twine.  We’re just happy to have found this shot of him.  (And yes, we know he played a stint with the Caps, don’t get your bustle in a bunch…)

Then there’s Alexandre Picard.   Ten years younger than Halpern, the 6’3″ Quebecster also came to Canada via Tampa Bay (booooo!) and hasn’t yet been up nord long enough to make his mark.  On the ice at least.  But we’re shallow and think he’s adorable.  Make it so, Picard!

Then there’s Carey Price, who at 6’3″ has been handsomely filling out the Habs net, if you follow our drift.  Price, Greenie and Ovie were team-mates at the All-Star game, although it didn’t look like either Cap was really that thrilled about it.

And because…well, because we’ve just run out of things to say today, we’ll just leave you with this little curtain-lifter into Carey’s life.

See you at the Phone Booth!  Vive La Sainte Flanelle!

Ahh, Toronto!  City of a thousand shades of beige!  Land that gave us Timmy Hos, cheap tickets to half-baked musicals, and Mr. Pizza.   And, of course, the Maple Leafs.

John Candy long ago taught us there’s a rainbow in Toronto and a pot of gold at Yonge Street, but it’s been a long time – a very long time – since the Leafs brought home the gold in the shape of the Stanley Cup.  (How long?  Let’s just say Rich Little was fresh and funny.)

It’s unlikely that’s going to change this year.  The Leafs are a middling team with an offense that just hasn’t gelled on ice.  Except, it seems, when it comes to the Caps.  Twice we’ve met this season, with both games decided 5-4 in a shootout (we took one, they took the other.)  The troubling part of this is how strong the Leafs have come out in the third period against Coach B’s squad.  Considering our slow starts of late, and the Caps continuing line-dance…well, let’s just say it could be a long night in front of the teevee.

Colton Orr, doing what he does

But enough hand-wringing; we’re in the land of ham and hockey, so lets take a look at who we’re up against.

Out for the Leafs is brawler Colton Orr, following an unfortunate head-ice collision during a fight with an Anaheim Duck.  We wish him, and his fists, a speedy recovery.  In are Fredrik Sjostrom and Mike Brown – who clearly is a finalist in the Best Pornstache portion of our competition.  (Mike, take a tip: that Tom of Finland look is sooo 1980′s.)

You won’t have to work hard to see Asst. Captain

Mike Komisarek (Jamie Squire/Getty Images)

Mike Komisarek at the Hangar tonight, in no small part because at 6’4″/243, the native Long Islander is impossible to miss.  He’s also second in hits for his team, and from the looks of it he’s given better than he’s taken.

Tyler Bozak, the 24-year-old Center, will no doubt be facing Nicky 19 tonight – with almost 54% he leads the Maple Leafs in faceoff percentage. He’s also been on something of a streak lately, scoring 4 assists and one goal so far this month.  Mess him up Nick…but not too much.

And just for the fun of it, we love this shot of Phil Kessel in action.  Sorta everything we love about hockey.So there you have it.  Toronto: hometown of the Hockey Hall of Fame, Craig Laughlin, and the maple-flavored krapfen (look it up.)  And a couple hot hockey players.  Let’s just leave with a win.

So we’re back on the road, headin’ a-Nassau-way…and we don’t mean to the land of daiquiris and sunshine.  More like rum and Snooki.

This is our second of four dances with the Fishsticks; last time we met in our barn and got away with a 2-1 final.  After tonight there are two more to go as we trade dates and homes at the end of February.

As long as our boys get up on their toes from the start of the game – not, say, :40 minutes into it – we’re fairly optimistic about the game.  We would be more optimistic, however, if we didn’t seem to have worsening troubles in the net.  First Varly was out on injury, then Neuvy, then Varly and now Neuvy.  Braden “Hot B” Holtby has been called up from Hershey…giving the Caps not one, not two but three cute goalies.  Let’s hope his groin stays injury-free.

OK Okposo plays his first game for the Islanders this season, now that he’s all better from a shoulder injury.  Who are the other Islanders hitting the ice worth remembering?   Oy vey zmir, who isn’t?

Andrew Macdonald wins the prize for ‘Name Most Likely Associated With Haggis’ (and that’s saying something in hockey), but he’s no prize pig.  Hardly.  At 6’3″ and 210 (shoots left), Windsor’s Matt Martin is another looker – although every shot we’ve ever seen he’s scowling like a constipated turtle.  (Sheesh, Matty, is it so hard to be good looking?)

For a sport where you’re likely to take a puck to the face, we think Rob “Cocktail” Schremp (no, really…) would have a lot to lose, maybe more than most.  He’s impossibly cute…as are Mark Eaton and Dylan Reese, although Reese probably fits more in ‘rugged’ than ‘cute.’  Nice to have choices.

Yup, there’s more, but we have more games and more time and more pics later.  Just settle down and be patient.

However, the PuckBuddys have obtained special exclusive scouting video of the Islanders at their most recent practice session.

There once was a Caps fan, a Pens fan, a Flyers fan and a Devils fan, all standing on the edge of a cliff.  The Devils fan lept off, yelling as he fell “This is for Jerseyyyy!”  The Pen jumped next, shouting “This is for Pittsburgh!!!” Then the Cap pushed the Flyer over the edge, saying “This is for Washington!!!”

Hahaha…what?  We’re in a new era of tolerance and civility?  OK, but there’s just not a lot of love we can muster for any of the Keystone state icers – our Hershey Bears the one exception.  And unfortunately for us, we’ve got a date tonight with a bunch of Philly puglies at the Wells Fargo Center.

The Flyers have been on the road for the last nine of 10 games.  Which, for anyone who has to live in Philadelphia, might be considered a welcome vacation.  But it’s back to home ice for the Flyers as they welcome the Caps, hoping to man-handle our boys like they did last time around.  And remember: they’re still at the top of the Eastern Conference, leading Washington by 6 points.   Stupid Flanders Flyers.

Finding the twine tonight is our boys’ task; finding Philly’s hottest is ours right now.  Neither task is proving easy…but as Coach B. says, you gotta want it!

We’re trying to be charitable, we really are.  We really don’t mean to say the Flyers are, by and large, ugly as a hat full of arseholes. But we just…well, really don’t have anything to say after that.

Russian-born Nicholai Zherdev (6’2″, 26, shoots right) has served his time in the Russian leagues before bouncing around some here in the AHL/NHL.  And of late he seems to be a bit of a sniper, logging 14 goals and 3 assists.  He also seems to like teh kittehs, so it’s really hard to say anything to mean against him.

There’s Jeff Carter, who recently signed a fat extension with the head office – 11 years for $5.27 million.  And I suppose goalie Brian Boucher is worth a look or two.Speaking of goalies, since we’ve run out of beefcake, a PuckPal sent us this observation:

“Every Stanley Cup champ between ’54-’89 had a Hall of Fame goalie.  All of last years final four Cup teams’ goalies are no longer with their team. Pundits say the newer/wider equipment plus the butterfly stye has morped goalies into expendable shot blockers and not skilled superstars. Certainly true for Flyers/Caps.”

In last year’s playoffs Boucher managed a .909 saves percentage (their other goalie, Sergei Bobrovsky who is starting tonight, is a new transplant to Philly by way of Russia.)  For our part, Varly managed .908 (and Neuvy’s still to newy.)