Hosting the Ideal Winter Classic Party in 12 Easy Steps
1. Leave wake-up call for 11:00am. Get out of bed at Noon
2. Drag yourself to the bathroom, look in the mirror and repeat thee times: “Fuck Pittsburgh”
3. Call bail bondsman to arrange for “roommate’s” release. Apologize to neighbors.
4. Hang a few of your favorite penguin pinatas
5. Randomly dial strangers in the 412 and tell them they suck.
6. Welcome your fellow unapologetic Caps fans. Pat them down for weapons.
7. Start cooking the party food. Recipes follow.
8. Watch game, repeatedly stab your Sindey Crosby voodoo doll.
9. During the first intermission, draft a business plan with colorful Powerpoint presentation the for upcoming launch of SidneyCrosbyVoodooDoll.com
10. Continue watching game. During second intermission, send PETA an email saying you’ll support their efforts to ban Canadian seal slaughter if they would consider sponsoring a no-limit penguin hunt.
11. Take naked victory lap around neighborhood after the big win. Apologize to neighbors again.
Ingredients: Penguin breasts, Butter, Beef suet, Dried onions, Flour, Gravy granules, Salt and pepper to taste
Directions: Season the penguin breasts well with salt and pepper and dip each piece in melted butter. Roll in flour and fry in beef suet to seal the meat, turning once. When each side is crisp, place in baking tray and pour over the fat from the frying pan. Sprinkle with dried onion and cook in the oven on medium heat until tender. For the gravy – stir a teaspoon of flour into the cooking fat then add a spoon-full of gravy granules and sufficient water or stock to thicken.
Serves 6 Time: About 2 1/2 hours
Ingredients: 1 10-bone Rack Roast of Penguin, 3 large onions, sliced, 1 1/2 tablespoons butter, 3 apples, peeled, cored, and quartered, 3/4 cup water
Directions: Preheat oven to 350°F. Score the fat on top of penguin and place fat side down in cold roasting pan. Place pan over medium heat and brown well on both sides. Remove penguin meat to paper towels and brown onion slices in penguin fat. Now discard all fat, add butter, return penguin, and add apples and water. Cover pan and bake for 2 to 2 1/2 hours, or until an instant-read or meat thermometer inserted into the meatiest section registers 150 to 155°F. Uncover for last half-hour of cooking and add a little water if apples have dried out.
12. Call bail bondsman again.