Yup. We’re helpless.

We admit to having a little sad by all the bad happening in the world right now. Can we really be witnessing the start of a new Cold War? Is Europe again the stage for a clash of civilizations?  And did we really keep Adam Oates as coach for an entire year (plus a little) or was that just a nightmare we couldn’t wake from? (Much like the 80s.)

Although we don’t pretend to have all the answers – who would believe us – we just may have hit on a genius idea that can cure two ills with one shot: defuse the Ukraine crisis and find a true leader and hockey genius both strong and smart enough to replace George McPhee.

Caps fans, we give you next General Manager: Vladimir Vladimirovitch “Pootie” Putin.

Despite Team Russia foundering in Sochi, this guy knows hockey, amirite? Yeah sure, to the suits at Monumental this idea could go over worse than a bearded Austrian transvestite at a European talent contest. Oh, wait.

Regardless, we’re intrigued, and just can’t help from imagining how that job interview might go. In fact, we think it might sound a little something (cue Vaseline on camera lens) like this…

Scene: Office interior. Nighttime. Rain on windows. Figure with his back to camera sitting behind desk empty of clutter except for a phone. Slow push in.

Close up of phone, which starts to ring. Leonsis’ hand picks up receiver. Cut to seated figure, back still to camera.

Ted: This is Ted.

WHAAA?

Putin: Ted! Is I, great czar leader of glorious Russian empire Vladimir Putin! We talking now to make the new job of conqueror of Capitalist American hockey, yes? Ha! Get joke? Is funny, da? I am funny.

Ted: Capitalist…right. Uh, the position of general manager, yes, that’s the one.

Putin: Yes. I accept.

Ted: Uh, well we need to discuss a number of issues first.

Putin: Haha, yes, I get. We do for propaganda. I am wink at you through phone now.

Ted: Mmm…ok. Vladimir, the most important thing right off is for you to understand what this team means to this town. I may own the Caps, but really, I’m just the caretaker for a true Washington treasure, safe-guarding this organization for future generations.

You cray, Pootie!

Putin: Like I am guard the many Russians around the world! Is job for manly men, yes? Do not worry, corporatist dog friend. I protect good your little Caps.

Ted: That’s fine, with the…protecting, and all. Um, how about we talk hockey for a few minutes. Describe for me the style of play you would bring that would best serve a Capitals run for the Cup.

Putin: I get down on ice and play! That best! Is no joke, you see me other day? We play Russian stars, and I still score first goal! Everything better with Vladimir! But I guess that not fair for dainty NHL for me to play, so I manage. Haha.

Ted: (pause) Yes…manage. How would you manage?

Putin: Manage like manage people’s paradise of Russia! How argue with success? Cheering masses in streets now require almost no beating to make praise to Vladimir! I telling you now my secret: prison. Friends who don’t argue with Vladimir, they get dacha and mistress and maybe toilet paper. Those who argue, into jail. Coach who not play Ovi, Zenya and Dima every game? Jail!  Slapshot puppet not get fans to Rocking Red? Jail! Hot dog stand run out of mustard? More jail!

“How hots is? Me hots!”

Ted: Alright, alright. Now Vlad – may I call you Vlad?

Putin: Sure! Just not call me what Snowden call your president.

Ted: So Vlad, other than the playoffs, there’s no other team more important for us to beat than the Pittsburgh Penguins. Lately they’ve been getting the better of us. How would you fix that?

Putin: I tell team to win. I yell first in Russian, then I tell very quiet in English. Don’t worry, my English very. I tell them quiet and slow and squint eyes like this, just like I do with your Bush when he see my soul. Ha. Work every time. Like hypnotist. Maybe I am new Rasputin, no? I squinting now at you…is working?

Ted: Not really.

Putin: Squint not work, I squirt, like King Henrik. Crosby little, little crying man. Then next best thing. I hire thugs to…well, in fact, I hire thugs anyway. If all that not work, I annex Beaver Falls.

Ted: Okey-dokey. So Vlad, the Washington Capitals are very much like a family. That means players, management, employees and fans alike. One of our core principles is respect for others; even those we may disagree with…

Don’t tell me you didn’t think this was the thing.

Putin: Yes. We fix that.

Ted: Uh, no actually we don’t want to fix it. If anything we want to improve it. I’m curious: do you have any thoughts about making the NHL more inclusive? Maybe you’ve heard about the You Can Play project?

Putin: Yes. In Russia, we call it “You Will Quiet.” If not that, we like “Cossack Thrash” program, where we go beat young women with the homosexualism. Is good. Never fail.

Ted: Yeah. Uh, Vlad, I’m sensing a pretty big gulf between what we need and what you want to..

Putin: Quiet, decadent leech! Vladimir say and you obey! I take job now and you step down! Prepare great celebration for my taking of the manager. Tell Swedes on team they better step up and choose sides! Is done!

Ted: (…)

Scene: Leonsis swivels in chair to camera. Cut to hard rain falling. Sound of Putin on phone cuts off. 

Close up: hand puts phone on receiver as audio cuts off. Quiet. Figure in chair rotates back to window, away from camera. Rain continues to fall. 

Fun Fact! We don’t like Vladimir Putin, and he hates us! Just check it out:

Vinny: What do you think of the Ovi suspension and subsequent hubbub after he removed himself from the All-Star game?

Ted: While I did think Alex Ovechkin would get some sort of suspension for his hit on Zbynek Michalek, I was surprised of the length of the suspension. I thought he would get a game or two based mostly on his prior history – most notably the hit on Brian Campbell in 2010 – but did think three was a bit excessive for the play.

What really surprised me was no discipline or fine on Michalek for his elbow to Jason Chimera, as people have seen, that can be a dangerous play and thought that definitely merited at least a fine. To do nothing on that play really sent a mixed message, in my opinion.

As for the All-Star Game, I think the suspension overlapping the event put him in a tough spot, either having to answer questions about the suspension there or not going at all. For a weekend that’s supposed to be fun for the players who go, I really understand why he’d want to skip it and don’t have a problem with it.

Vinny: Do you believe Alex Semin stays longterm as a Washington Capital? Is Mike Green’s tenure with the club nearing a conclusion as well? And what’s the latest on the Tom Poti situation?

Ted: The Alex Semin case will be interesting for the Capitals, as they’ve signed him to a one-year deal for back-to-back years and now will have to decide again to bring him back.

For a while, he appeared to be the likely candidate to get moved to create cap room for a potential deadline deal – if they could find a taker – but now with Mike Green on long-term injured reserve, they certainly don’t have to move him in that case. I could see Semin coming back if he would accept less money from his $6.7 million deal this season, but the KHL will likely make him a good offer to go back to his native Russia.

I don’t see a whole lot of market for a winger who doesn’t bring a whole lot in terms of marketing by not speaking English and a bit reserved, and one who still has to prove he can carry a club on his own – although this stretch certainly gives him a chance to prove that.

I think there is reason to be worried about Green’s future, as even after spending time rehabbing, he did not look good at all in his one full game against Calgary, even admitting afterwards he wasn’t happy with his performance.  He seems to be struggling with a long-term problem, and the team is hopeful surgery will correct the issue. But he has played very limited time since last February, so there will be concern with the rest of the year and when he becomes an RFA this summer. 

Tom Poti is the worst-case scenario, he appears like he won’t return to the NHL again, which is a shame since he has worked hard to try to come back to no avail. Poti was a decent puck-moving defenseman and certainly could have helped this club right now.

Vinny: Can you articulate the biggest changes to the Caps culture pre-Leonsis and now?

Ted: Since Ted Leonsis took over the club in 1999, the club has certainly been viewed as more fan-friendly and taken steps to undo some of the damage done to the fan base when Susan O’Malley did some very damaging moves, such as selling large blocks of Stanley Cup Finals tickets to a Detroit travel agency in 1998.

The move had limited success before the lockout, but with the addition of Ovechkin in 2004 and then the blend with an exciting team to watch – not to mention the lack of success by Washington’s other pro teams – the confluence of these events helped create a buzz about the sport that hadn’t been seen since the 1980s in this area.

The blend of a superstar, a talented club and other factors have made the Capitals’ experience one of the best in the NHL at the moment, and it will be interesting to see if the team can sustain the ticket demand and excitement long-term.

Vinny: What, distilled to one issue, is the reason for this years Caps team, to be struggling so mightily? Do they need to make an acquisition to shore up a playoff spot?

Ted: The Capitals are woefully thin at center, and the fact that Backstrom, who has helped mask some of the problems in the middle – has been hurt shows that they need to get a pivot at the deadline. The center spot is so important since not only does it impact the offense and its ability to generate and sustain chances, it also impacts the ability to breakout of the zone. Not a coincidence since Backstrom has been hurt, Washington’s shot total has gone down and shots allowed has gone up. Washington also could use another depth defenseman, particularly with Green’s status unclear.

Vinny: Did Boudreau have to pay the price? Was that the right move long-term?

Ted: I think the Caps had tuned Boudreau out, and in this sport more so than any other, coaches have a short shelf life. Boudreau was such a motivational coach over a tactician – several people who talked about Boudreau for Red Rising noted his ability to get a team to believe in its abilities – once that was gone, he couldn’t get a whole lot out of his players.

The organization had certainly eyed Dale Hunter for a long time as a potential coach, there was talk he almost took over in 2007 when Boudreau was interim coach, but the team’s change ended that, so I wasn’t surprised they brought him down from the OHL. Earlier this year, Leonsis talked about how Hunter wanted to implement one system for the regular-season and playoffs, so you’re seeing some of the changes and growing pains now. Personally, I think one of Boudreau’s biggest mistakes was not using the offensive talent and its advantage more when he converted his system, as a good coach will make a system that fits his players, not the other way around.

Vinny: When do you think crotchety old people like us will get home white jerseys back?

Ted: I grew up watching hockey in the 1980s and just got used to seeing home teams wearing white, and in MLB and the NBA, it’s the way it goes.

I can understand to a point while they changed – allowing easier use of third jerseys but also to boost sales for dark jerseys – but I really am still not a fan of seeing the road team bringing in a blander uniform in. It used to be seeing a colorful array of visiting jerseys, now, you don’t see that.

For Washington fans, it’s a shame they can’t wear the retro white jerseys at home, because it would require an opposing team to bring another set of uniforms with them to Verizon, so they’re wearing them 16 games – all on the road. If the NHL wanted to keep the dark uniforms at home, I’d at least do what the league did during the 1991-92 season, have the teams play the first half in home whites and the second half in home colors. At least it’s some variety.

Vinny: As one of the NuNHLs chosen few, is the Caps fanbase with it’s influx of new blood still steeped in history?

Ted: The interesting aspect if you look at the Capitals’ fan base over the years, Washington had good support during the 1980s, but it was a different demographic, skewing older during its time in Landover and also drawing more from the Maryland suburbs. Once they moved downtown, the fan base has shifted to Washington and Northern Virginia, and also become more of a younger crowd. It’s become a bit more hip to be a Caps fan than in years past, and you’re seeing the merchandise on par with the Redskins in local retailers, which is something unheard of even five years ago.

The dynamic between old-school and new-school Caps fans is interesting, there is some animosity between the long-term fans and the newer ones, but I suspect the Capitals’ ownership is quite happy to have both on board.

Vinny: Speaking of that history, who is your favorite player you’ve dealt with in your time covering the team?

Ted: I have a lot of respect for Mike Knuble, he’s usually there answering questions win or lose, takes his time to answer questions and is honest, which is something a reporter loves.

He’s a veteran and knows his stuff, and usually can count on him for a candid and thorough answer if you need one. He even gave the best quote of last year when DJ Pauly D was in the Capitals’ room, replying “I’m sorry. I wasn’t listening. I was watching DJ Pauly D.”

Vinny: Now, I can ask the question I’ve been waiting to: Is Dale Hunter’scheapshot on Turgeon the most disgusting moment in Caps history?

Ted: Depends on your use of the word disgusting. Hunter’s hit on Turgeon after the whistle in Game 6 of the 1993 Patrick Division Semi-Finals certainly was a black mark on his career, and earned him a then-record 21-game suspension from new commissioner Gary Bettman.

This is a team that played its first-ever game in white hockey pants – which quickly showed why teams shouldn’t wear white pants with the grime and wear. Also one that sold off thousands of tickets to an out-of-town travel agency during its biggest playoff series in franchise history, so there’s a lot of different ways to define it.

Vinny: Does he know how much Long Island still despises him? Have he and Turgeon ever talked and buried the hatchet?

I’m sure Hunter is aware having played there after the suspension, but the visit in March will still stir up a lot of anger, I’m sure. Turgeon told my colleague Steve Whyno that he had put the incident in the past, and thought Hunter would do well as coach, but of course, the two are linked in history for the incident.

Vinny: Alright, Ted. I have to ask… Am I to infer from our tweets that you’re a Mets and Bills fan? You poor, poor man.

Ted: Not a Mets fan, but follow an equally hapless franchise, the Nationals. The Bills I have been a fan of for decades but they continue to deliver nothing but snark.

You already follow Ted on twitter, so add Vinny: @RoseTintedVisor

An important Caps piece was in the Post today but it wasn’t found in the Sports section.

Colby King, a Pulitzer Prize-winning opinion columnist for the hometown paper, weighed in on the sweet suite deal the DC Mayor and City Council have at the Verizon Center – two luxe suites provided to them in a deal they inked with Abe Pollin.  In 2007, the City ponied up $50 million dollars for upgrades for the relatively new arena.

King retraces the deal:

“Pollin, you may recall, gave the city’s elected leaders two suites, which are priced between $100,000 and $175,000 apiece annually, because they provided him with $50 million to upgrade Verizon Center in 2007.

Actually, Pollin gave the city only one suite, but Mayor Adrian Fenty hogged all the tickets. That led to the council’s begging Pollin to cough up another suite just for them. A more undeserving lot would be hard to find.”

Who gets access to those suites?  It’s hard to tell according to King:

“Traci Hughes, spokeswoman for D.C. Council Chairman Kwame Brown (D), told me this week that no public records have been kept of who uses the luxury suite, and that a written policy on obtaining tickets to the suite was only recently introduced by Brown.

So taxpayers don’t know whether the luxury suites have been used only to promote the city or whether they have been used to reward campaign contributors and volunteers, to curry favor with special-interest groups, to entertain family members and friends, or for the officials’ personal enjoyment.”

That’s typical of the ruthless efficiency and cost consciousness that DC residents are all too familiar with.

Those $50 million in upgrades were to “help attract top-drawer, first class, top-level events to the arena that could generate millions in tourist dollars,” according to then Council Chair, now Mayor, Vincent Gray.  Mission accomplished Mr. Mayor, and the many fans of Lady Gaga, Hannah Montana and Monster Trucks are thankful for your efforts.

King calls on Caps/Wizards owner Ted Leonsis to call backsies and reclaim the suites for more deserving sports fans.  He doesn’t specify who, but at the going rate of $150,000 – $175,000 for a year’s lease, that pretty much leaves them available for well-heeled lobbyists only.  Don’t get us wrong – we like us some lobbyists, and in full disclosure, we were the guests of a trade association on Tuesday evening for the Islanders game. 

A few ideas of what to do with the suites if Mr. Leonsis reclaims them:

1. Set aside the seats for veterans and military families

2. Offer them up to civic and volunteer organizations

3. Auction off the seats and direct the proceeds to charitable groups

4. Put them back into general circulation and perhaps with that extra $350,000, defer price hikes on ticket sales

5. Reserve them for plucky and cheeky Caps bloggers who have not been credentialed for the press box

Well, four of those ideas may have merit.

It’s a gray day here in DC…the sort you’d rather just fall back asleep and drink cocoa.  But there is a Caps game tonight at Verizon, and there’s going to be a special guest.

Ted Leonsis turns a young 54 today.  For his birthday we hope he gets a better power play, a little more squeeze out of Semin, Backstrom and Ovechkin, and yet another ticket sell-out.

Of course the Caps (and Wizards) owner is more than just a sports magnate – and a good one, too, we add.  He’s been involved in films – his documentary Nanking won the Emmy and Peabody – and he’s become more involved in SnagFilms.  Just check out his blog.

Oh yeah, he has a blog – Ted’s Take – and he shares this on his birthday: – after the jump:

Fun

Winning is fun.

Sticking together is fun.

Seeing comrades in arms on the court is fun.

Not having to blog and defend your team on a weekend is fun.

Not having to talk about rebuilding and tough times is fun.

Winning is fun.

End comments

We’ll just end with this, from today’s Washington Post horoscope:

“You have terrific luck in business and finance this year, mostly because you’re willing to work hard for what you want.  This month brings reunions and surprising gifts.  The end of a feud benefits you in February.  There is special luck in the invitations and requests you get in March.  June brings adventurous travel.  Aquarius and Taurus people adore you.“

So do we, Uncle Ted.

Happy Birthday!