Still firing a coach before the end of a season (hell, before the end of a ROAD TRIP!) smacks of a desperation akin to a TV show bringing in a new character to boost sagging ratings.  In other words, if you have to bring in Chachi (or Poochie), you may have already jumped the shark.

Dwayne’s World

But how did it get this bad for the Lightning? Surely, last season was a suckfest. Steven Stamkos still won the Rocket Richard with a sixty goal season but really I think that’s all that can be said that was positive. Many lay the blame on GM Steve Yzerman’s decision to resign Dwayne Roloson after an impressive playoff run. But Roli proved he wasn’t up to the task for another year and had an abysmal 3.66 GA and .886 save percentage leaving an inconsistent Mattieu Garon to take over – if he wasn’t hurt.

Mattieu Garon

This season (once it finally started after the Dadaist farce that was the lockout with overripe melodrama and intrigue seemingly lifted from a late Tennessee Williams play was supposed to be different. Yzerman addressed the goalie issue by getting Anders Lindback who was working out well until the groin injury and the subsequent high ankle sprain (the high ankle sprain is to goalies what consumption is to soprano heroines in opera – it lingers until they die in Act IV) left us with the ever shaky Garon. 

Stevie Y also brought in more defense (since Mattias Ohlund’s knees are apparently only tissue paper now and he will never skate again) with Matt Carle and Sammy Salo who is considered a ‘stay at home’ defenseman (I really hate that term – it makes it sound like he’s at the blue line ironing and watching “Ellen” while the rest of the team does the work). 

Their job was to assist perennial fan whipping boy Victor Hedman and Eric “Bruiser” Brewer. To be fair, Victor has been improving. Yes, there’s still the odd reverse up the boards to the opposing team, or deflecting the puck into his own net, but he’s also shooting the puck more with four goals on the season. He’s even earned a spot in the shootouts. He’s currently plus six on the season despite the horrendous giveaways he makes usually every three games.

And certainly the Lightning started very well going 6-2. Captain Vinny Lecavalier was playing a more physical game getting into two fights (of course both of those were against the Flyers – which is no surprise – if those thugs had a mascot, it would be a mugshot). Inspirational feel-good story Cory Conacher made the team and was racking up points earning him consideration for Rookie of the Year. Then came the road trip. 

The Lightning have had their road woes in the past but this was truly something special. The only game they didn’t lose on that trip was the Boston game delayed because of huge storm. But once they got home, they still kept losing. It got so bad that our beloved homer announcers Rick Peckham and Bobby “The Chief” Taylor were trying to drum up excitement at one point by announcing that the Lightning were only SEVEN POINTS out of the playoffs. And this is in the Southeast Division (aka ‘The Losing-est Teams in The League’).

Oh right, and then the injuries. Practically everyone was injured once if not multiple times.  Ryan Malone pulled a groin during the pregame soccer game in the hallway. Once back, he injured his shoulder on a check. Vinny was out with his foot (again). Salo got hurt and when he got back, Hedman went out. The rotating roster (which sounds dirty but isn’t) allowed several callups from Syracuse which has gone well, and bodes well for the future of the organization. 

Killer smile

For example: Alex Killorn has seven goals, plays very well, and has a killer smile. Ryan Malone still wins in the adorable smile category since his eyes sparkle and beam. Killorn’s smile is more intense – like maybe he’s thinking about beating you up. A quick digression on groin injuries: Why are there so many? Are there not enough people to massage the thighs of hockey players? I know plenty of people (me) who will gladly volunteer. Oh pardon me, I’ve just been informed that apparently you have to be certified to rub the genital area. Strange, I’ve never had anyone ask me for credentials before.

The biggest offender of the season was really apathetic play. Even Marty St. Louis, normally so energized and dynamic, seemed to be just ‘skating through the motions’ as though awaiting the endgame (not the fun Beckett Endgame). 

Now I don’t have access to the locker room (Please Lightning, let me visit the locker room. I promise I won’t steal any gear), so I won’t pretend I completely understand the team’s mentality, but it seemed as though the players had given up on Coach  Boucher’s system.  But I’m also sure that Boucher wasn’t saying “Make blind passes that lead to giveaways in the defensive zone” which seemed de rigueur for each game.

Yzerman said that he decided to fire Boucher after the first period of the Ottawa game on 3/23. It should be noted that they Lightning did try to come back in that game, but the die was cast. (alia iacta est, bitches) Let’s also note that the Lightning have the best Third Period goal differential in the league.  That may also be because opponents are playing with, oh say a three or four goal lead, and they fall into a stupor and allow the Lightning to score.  Sure, it’s fun to watch the Lightning tie up the game with only seconds left, but you know what else is fun?  Watching your team actually play with the lead, that’s fun.

Coach Boucher, fired before the game in Winnipeg (which they still lost), was a class act all the way.  He wished the organization all the best and even flew back and thanked all the staff for their hard work.  He will be missed for his laser focused ‘Death Stare’ (patent pending) and his non PC mocking of officials. Also, I still long to ask him about his conversations with Scotty Bowman as I’m so curious what those lovers of head games might have discussed. 

To replace a coach who came from the AHL, you obviously find another AHL coach.  Although, it may be more about the fact that new coach Jon Cooper had already coached many of the team when they were on the Syracuse Crunch. He also seems to be more of a ‘player’s coach’ (And what does that mean? Is it like the ‘Player’s Club?’), but I notice that in interviews he still has the ‘deer in headlights’ look.  It can’t be easy to suddenly take over a struggling team filled with people you barely know and come up with some miraculous plan when the team still struggles to get the puck out of their own zone without coughing it up.

Some help has arrived in the form of goalie Ben Bishop. True, the Bolts gave up Cory Conacher and a draft pick, but Bishop has proved pretty solid. He seems focused and calm, reads the play well, and possesses a fairly mean poke check. Plus, he’s a big body who moves well. (Another phrase I hate – if he moved poorly, he wouldn’t be a goalie) Still, in must win situations, the team still comes up short. There are flashes of brilliance: hard work in the corner leading to a goal, brilliant defensive play that looks effortless, but these are few and far between. Mostly, they manage to win games only if the other team loses them first.

Who will show up next season?  Will there be a new coach?  Maybe some buyouts of fan favorites suckling on the salary cap teat? Will the GM be replaced mid-season? There might be more changes in personnel than the new season of Downton Abbey. If only we could get Maggie Smith on skates. P.S. – Follow the adventures of #DowntonHockey.

Eric Pinder is an actor, writer, Director in Residence for Florida Opera Theatre, and performer of various theme park extravaganzas. He is writing a hockey opera currently titled “Das Rinkgold.” You can follow him on Twitter @operahockeyguy. His dad was once punched in the face by Jean Beliveau. Yes, that Jean Beliveau.

40’s the New 20: We’re really wishing Dwayne Roloson would have stayed on Long Island where he belonged.  The 40+ year old newly acquired goalie apparently has a thing for the Caps, with his second victory – and his second shutout – in as many go-arounds.

Rolie Oldie Goalie is nothing if not consistent.  He even got that Islanders s–t off his helmet, but clearly hasn’t had time to find an airbrush artist in south Florida yet.  Wearing an unpainted mask that RMNB described in a game time tweet as looking like it came off the rack @ Sports Authority. Maybe its time for him to visit Earl Sheib or maaco for a quickie.

Gagne With a Stick: Our boys seemed to pick up the pace in the second, skating on their toes, not heels and it looked like we had a shot to get back into the game. The confidence soon dissolved when Simon Gagne broke away and drilled one past Varly.  3-0.

Same As It Ever Was: Stop us if you’ve heard this before.  Or just stop us.  The Caps performance in the first stanza was flat and the tempo slow, leading to a first intermission no doubt featuring Couch B. yet again singing solo from the “Get Yer F#*kin Heads Outta Yer &*@kin’ Asses” songbook.  Perhaps we need a new songbook.  Or playbook.  But with someone like Roloson in the net, we can’t just rely on those come-back-Caps to win it.

Thug Life: I’m not sure even Clarence Darrow could convince me it was the right for that   common criminal Steve Downie to only get two minutes for his 2nd period fight with relative pacifist Scott Hannan, while the latter wound up with a four minute sit in the sin bin. On cue, Coach Boudreau exploded on the bench during that episode to protest.  We’re starting to get much better at reading his lips.  It’s actually pretty easy since his game night vocabulary seems pretty limited to just a handful of words.  In this case, we agree w/Coach B’s assessment of the zebra’s call.

It’s Not Over Till the Fat…Oh Nevermind: Midway through the third it seemed pretty apparent that we were done, done, done.  Turning on a spit and ready to be served.  Our boys may have still be skating out there, but it seemed mentally they were already taxiing on the runway for the flight home.  Head in the game, guys!  And remember – like you should need anyone to remind you – Tampa now has a 2-point lead in our division, and we still have to play those rat-bastards twice.  I predict revenge.

Freaky Friday: It’s Vancouver on home ice Friday night @ 7p. The Canucks play the Rangers tonight and let’s hope the New Yorkers really take the starch out of them.

Sunday Pucky Sunday – It’s PuckBuddys Day @ Verizon for the 3pm matinee with the Senators!  Sorta.  At least we’ll be there with some pals.  Come find us in section 406 – we’re easy to spot in our pressurized high altitude suits. Maybe the Red Knockers Rockers will send a t-shit our way…or Slapshot will hit us with the burrito cannon.  If he’s not too busy giving free food away to the people in the expensive seats.

Something old, something new - Getty Images

We’re used to the boys coming out a little…slower…at the top of the first, and Tampa was more than happy to step up, testing Varly against some of their better shooters. 

Still, we’ve seen this before.  As long as Varly keeps it in his cub and we bringing pressure, things often turn around.

Turn around they did as the Caps definitely picked up the pace coming into the second stanza, taking several early shelling runs at Dwayne Roloson (still in his Islanders helmet?…accessorize, Miss Thing.) Still, the guy looked totally solid in the crease.  Maybe age has its advantages…perhaps just not the age of Nassau Veteran’s Memorial Coliseum might be good.

Trading punches was relatively limited this time out, but trading insults was not.  An aborted fight between Matt Hendrinks and Steve Downie quickly spilled over into the sin bins, the two delivering a string of verbal bitchslaps.  Geez, we haven’t seen two men shouting at each other like that since…well, never mind.

As usual Ovie was gang-rushed on the boards several times, proving that clearing a way out of coverage for him is going to be important in the coming weeks.  Sasha and Mojo had several good runs,  but as we’re getting used to, they just couldn’t get to a happy end.  We here there are doctors out there who are miracle workers, lemme tell ya….

Still, hey, a loss after just one shot in overtime?  Nothing to feel bad about. And we got to welcome back the best team working in the hockey booth today: Joe B. and Lacher.  Put up against “the best” NBC had to offer for the Winter Classic, Joe, Criag and Al schooled ’em last night.

Oh hey, today – Jan. 5th – is Mathieu Perreault’s 23th birthday, you Capricorn you:

“There’s nothing to worry about right now, so if you’ve been eyeing this date on your calendar with some trepidation, there’s no reason to continue.  Run into life without hesitation, and you’ll escape the extra stress.”

Looking forward, Stamkos and his bunch travel up to Iron City today to play the Pens at 7p.  What’s worse?  Having the team over you in Division standings win over the Pens, or having the Pens defeat the team that’s over you in division standings?

We recommend just getting Chicago-style hot dogs and beer and watching the end to 24/7.  At least we know there’ll be lots a toys for all us girls and boys under that tree.

It’s always a little sad when the holidays are over.  The gifts (oh look! 3-1 Penguins!) are all unwrapped.  The papers and bows (or HBO’s) are done and in the bin.  Now it’s just January, meaning it’s time to go back to work.

That work starts tonight at Verizon when we meet the Lightning, who are making a surprising challenge in Southeast Division.

OK, surprising may not be the right word.  Not at least with the hot streak Steve Stamkos has been on.  Umm…did we say hot?

The 20-year-old Ontarian flew south to Tampa after several years playing center for the Sarnia Sting.  This year he’s second in the NHL with 31 goals and has found the twine in five of his last six.

More hotness…or notness…after the jump.The Lightning also just acquired Dwayne Roloson as net-minder.  No spring chicken, the journeyman goalie served time playing for the Wild, Oilers, Blues, and most recently the Islanders…and is expected to get the start tonight.

It’s usually next to impossible to really see what a goalie looks like: way too much blocking the views for our tastes.  But with those pucks being hammered into the nets, we’re glad they’re protected, and this shot gives a little taste of what’s under the padding.

Others to keep an eye out for: forward Steve Downie and defensemen Victor Hedman and Mike Lundlin (you know, if you’re into that sort of thing.)

Of course there’s the front office.  Coach Guy Boucher has kept his 38-year-old self fit.  And that scar!  (Listen, if we have to explain it to you, you’re at the wrong website, sister.)

And then there’s GM Steve Yzerman.  Sure, he’s in the front office now…but as this boy in Red can tell you, there was a time when he practically walked on (frozen) water in Hockeytown.

Two decades with the Wings.  It was a good time to be in Detroit.

Mike Vogel’s beefcake-free, Bolts preview is here.