We admit it. We’ve been finding ourselves with a little extra time on our hands lately. And by a little we mean a shrieking, soul-crushing, metric ton of extra time. Which is pretty much a bad thing.

Of course, it’s not like that’s so surprising, seeing as we’ve all been forced to live the non-stop nausea-inducing migraine that is Gary Bettman’s (and to be fehr, Donald Fehr’s) lockout poop-fest. Even more discouraging is how long this headache may last.

And while we should be using our time productively, say like knitting booties for Filip Forsberg or untangling that phone cord buried in a box somewhere, we’re not. Instead, we’re left to entertain ourselves, trapped inside a hockey-less house on an endless parade of rainy days, with no NHL 13 and no Xbox. (Although we may skew the gaymer demographic trends and ask Santa for one of those).

#1: Guys And Dolls. So we’re learning a lot watching the NHL channel of late. Like how great Gordie Howe was (we already knew that.) Or how pugly Phil Esposito was. Why Stan Mikita’s face should be on our currency, or how many teeth Bobby Hull has left (trick question – he doesn’t have any left.) You know, old-time hockey.

But what’s really surprised us is how dapper old-time hockey fans apparently were. And by dapper we mean fabulous! All those old movieolas of the Chicago Stadium, or the Olympia? It looks like an episode of Mad Men. Everyone’s in suits and ties, or for the ladies in coats with brooches and hats. And gloves – just think about that for a second.

#2: All Election And No Hockey Make PuckBuddys Something Something.

#3: Chris Kluwe’s Hot. Oh come on, what’s not to love about this sassbag? He’s got a great body (well, serviceable at least), tons of World Of Warcraft nerd cred, shaggy hair, plays bass in a “band” (snigger) and dresses up like a Viking. He’s basically Jeremy in Zits, if Jeremy was ever drafted into the NFL. This guy puts it all on the line, for all the right reasons, and doesn’t shrink from the chance to mix it up, especially with that clown from the Ravens.

#4: We’ve Always Been At War With Eastasia. We had hoped to use some of this time productively to highlight some of the people who work backstage and above (or below) ice at the Verizon Center to bring you what we know as a hockey game. Sorta like our sneak peek into the broadcast truck a little while back. Even had people lined up for some awesomely super fantastic fun.

Bettman and Fehr: Dealing with the CBA in the “harshest possible way.”

But it turns out that nobody – meaning NOOOObody – associated with or especially on the payroll of Monumental Sports (like any team or NHL employee), can say a single word about NHL hockey. Not even Slapshot – they’ve wired his (or her?) beak shut, too. In effect, they all have to pretend it just doesn’t exist. And in this strange lockout horror show we’re sitting through, it sort of doesn’t. Hockey team, what’s that? There’s never been a hockey team here at Verizon. We’ve always been at war with Eastasia. And you’ve always been the caretaker, Mr. Bettman Torrence.

#5: Laughlin-Out. We miss Joe B. and Locker something awful. I mean, yeah, we miss the Caps (and the Wings and the Wild and even the Rangers but never the Bruins) more; nearly as much as we miss writing saucy things about other teams and players and pretending like we know what we’re talking about.

But just re-watching all the HBO 24/7 series leading up to the Caps a-whompin’ and a-stompin’ of the Pens at the Winter Classic (which lead to this messy scene) we keep hearing tiny snippets of Joe B’s “ HE SCORRRES!” call and Locker’s pokes at his Caps. We miss the Joe B tie and suit of the night. We miss Locker hamming it up before commercial breaks. All we’re left with now is Alan May badgering him on the twitters.

Kyle Mace is the new Chris Gordon

#6: Yes, Virginia, There Still Is Hockey. Whimpering aside, we are discovering something not quite new, but increasingly treasured. Namely: hockey just about everywhere else that has nothing to do with greedy owners or players, (at least at NHL levels). October 20 is the Bears home opener, hosting Craig’s Rochester Amerks – two great teams, and our first best chance to see Braden Hotby (yes, that’s how we write it), and for that matter, Coach Adam Oates. The indefatigable RMNBers are covering hockey just about everywhere except the places we’ve most come to know it. Perhaps it’s time to look beyond the NHL for great games… Like those pirate KHL feeds we’ve heard about. From a friend, Dmitri.

Which is exactly why neither greedy owners or players, or idiot Bettman, can afford to let this drag on. And finally…

#7: We Still Miss You, Sasha. Somehow, I think we always will. No matter what sweater he wears, he’ll always be first in our hearts.

Is it October yet?  Yes, October is here, and with it comes all of the glorious things fall has to offer–apple picking, pumpkin-inspired everything, corn mazes, and of course, the seasonal return of the world’s best sport, ice hockey!

Except of course, that this year is different. All too reminiscent of eight years ago, the NHL and NHLPA have failed to come to terms on a new collective bargaining agreement. As John Vogl from The Buffalo News puts it, “a bunch of rich guys can’t figure out how to split $3.3 billion per year.” As a result, First Niagara Center and the other 29 NHL arenas will sit dark during forfeited games.

So what now?

Over two weeks have now passed since the start of the lockout. All preseason games have been cancelled, and only a small miracle is likely to prevent regular season games from following suit. But there is hope , and there is hockey.

Any NHL player eligible to play in the American Hockey League right now is doing just that. For the Sabres’ affiliate Rochester Americans, that includes rising stars Marcus Foligno and Cody Hodgson, vet Luke Adam, and a few other Amerks who spent some time at the FN Center last season. Most NHL clubs are focusing marketing and promotional efforts on their AHL brethren, which is likely to be a very good thing.

There are also the East Coast Hockey League, Central Hockey League, Western Hockey League, and numerous junior leagues to boot. A handy website you might find useful is called Hockey Team Finder, which searches all of the aforementioned leagues, plus NCAA D-1 teams.

I’m doing my fall semester overseas and recently attended my first Elite Ice Hockey League (EIHL) games in Scotland and Ireland. And although hockey in the U.K. does not enjoy quite the popularity of soccer and rugby (or cricket for that matter), there are positive signs. Much to my surprise, this Canadian wannabe found a Tim Hortons in the Dublin airport. There’s no place like home, no matter how far from home I may travel.

Let’s Go Caps!

Last week, the Edinburgh Capitals defeated the Hull Stingrays 4-3 in a seven round shootout thriller that had all 673 in attendance on their feet!

The EIHL level of play is probably comparable to an ECHL game, but having never been to one of those I can’t say for sure. Nevertheless, just seeing hockey play was a welcome experience. 

Belfast v. Nottingham

This weekend I took in games in Belfast and Glasgow, so there will be lots more to report regarding the good old hockey game on the other side of the Atlantic as the EIHL season progresses. Lat night, the Belfast Giants topped the Nottingham Panthers 3-2 (SO), at Odyssey Arena, and Glasgow’s Breahead Clan face the Sheffield Steelers tonight – puck drop at 6:00pm (BST).

Back in North America, I don’t know when this year’s lockout will end. I hope it’s soon, but optimism is becoming increasingly scarce. Regardless, just because the NHL doesn’t want to play nice doesn’t mean all of the fans have to sit in time out. Get out, go see a game and support the teams who, if it weren’t for the lockout, wouldn’t be getting that support and exposure.

Half way around the world, I’ve found hockey fans. There’s no telling where you’ll come across one – Dublin, Ohio or Dublin, Ireland. And where else but Bonnie Scotland can a Canucks and Sabres fan so peacefully coexist?

All of that being said, Let’s go Amerks! And let’s go my new home team, the Edinburgh Capitals! So for the next few months I’ll continue to Loccupy Scotland. Or perhaps, Lochupy may be more appropriate.

And so, I am officially now a Brodeur fan first and a Sens fan second. Considering the fact that Brodeur will be retiring soon, I may as well hop on the Sens bandwagon now. Besides, the Sens have Erik Karlsson. THAT I can get behind. So, seeing as how this season is about as doomed as a squirrel trying to make its way across ten lanes of highway traffic, how about we tell a little story of the goings on in the nation’s capital this millennium? I’ll go into detail about our current situation, but first let’s recap how we got here:

2000-2004: The “I think I just choked on a Maple Leaf” era

For those of you who don’t know, the Ottawa Senators and the Toronto Maple Leafs don’t have a very friendly history. This fact reached its apex during this time. Unfortunately, well… it didn’t go so well for Ottawa (which might be part of the frustration that created this game). The era can be summed up as follows: 

Another big Pro: Alfredsson’s hair!

Coaches: Jacques Martin

Starting Goalies: Tom Barasso, Patrick Lalime

2004-2007: The “we were so close… I need a drink” era

How do you accurately describe this period in time in Sens history? A number of songs could do it. Try Linkin Park’s In The End, for instance. The climax, of course, saw the Sens fall to Brian Burke’s Anaheim Ducks. The Sens coach at the time was Bryan Murray, a painful irony, considering that, even though the majority of the credit goes to Burke for piecing together his championship team, Murray was the GM that drafted the likes of Corey Perry and Ryan Getzlaf for the Ducks in 2003. This probably explains why Murray was so dejected in his interview afterwards.

 

Another big Pro: Antoine Vermette

 Coach: Bryan Murray

Starting Goalies: Dominik Hasek, Ray Emery

2007-2011: The “what the @#$% is this crap?” era

Bryan Murray was a great coach who had chemistry with the team in front of him. So, naturally, we told him to be our General Manager and to hire someone else to be the coach. Well, at least the first three choices he made to find his replacement wouldn’t be a failure, right?… Right?… Guys? Oh, and then there was Dany Heatley… 

Another big Pro: Erik Karlsson

Starting Goalies: Ray Emery, Martin Gerber, Pascal Leclaire, Brian Elliot

Head Coaches: John Paddock, Bryan Murray, Craig Hartsburg, Cory Clouston

2011-present: The “where did these guys come from?” era

The 2010-2011 season was going downhill fast. Leclaire was a bust. Kovalev a bust. Gonchar seemed to be wavering under the increased pressure; Cory Clouston was perceived to have driven Dany Heatley out of town; and now it was rumoured that Jason Spezza wanted out.

The fans, needless to say, were upset and were calling for Bryan Murray’s head. That’s when the fire sale began. Gone were Kovalev, Fisher, Kelly, and Elliot. In was a goalie by the name of Craig Anderson and a bevy of new draft picks. The freed NHL roster spaces led the team to call up the standouts from our AHL squad down in Binghamton. The result? The team closed out the season going 12-7-1 with Anderson posting an 11-5-1 record, along with a .939 SVP and a 2.05 GAA with his new team. In comparison, Elliot (who we traded for Anderson) went to Colorado and posted a 2-8-1 record with a .891 SVP and a 3.83 GAA. When the NHL season concluded, we sent the kids back down to the AHL, where they wound up winning the championship. It provided the Sens Army with what seemed like a false sense of hope. Hey, maybe these kids could keep this up for a whole season, maybe this goalie is the real deal, maybe we will actually make the playoffs next year.

The off season saw us go out and hire a new coach, Paul Maclean, and for this hockey fan, it was respect at first sight. I mean, come on, this mustache commands respect. It says “I am a bad-ass, now let’s play some hockey”. The season saw a rocky start with the tam opening 1-5-0. A streak of 6 wins brought us to 7-5-0, but the roller coaster continued, seeing the team reach December 14 with a mediocre 14-14-4 record. Three days later, we traded for Kyle Turris, giving the team a solid second line center. That is when the team started to win, and we never looked back, finishing 41-31-10 and clinging to the eighth and final playoff spot in the Eastern Conference.

Anderson? Oh, he went 33-22-6 with a .914 SVP and a 2.84 GAA. Refreshingly solid numbers. Paul Maclean? He was nominated for the Jack Adams Award (coach of the year). The boys made us proud in the playoffs too, taking the conference’s number one seed New York Rangers to a nail-biting seventh game. Things were looking up. 

Another big Pro: We signed Karlsson for 7 years- Bryan Murray’s gift to admirers of the male gender everywhere.

Goalies: Craig Anderson, Ben “oh @#$% Anderson damn near cut his finger off with a knife, go out and get someone quick” Bishop

Head Coaches: Cory Clouston, Paul Maclean

                                                                                  

The New-And-Improved Lockout (2012-2013 Style)

There really are more questions than answers for the current Ottawa Senators. A fan base that has always had their great expectations fail to be matched is skeptical about our team’s new-found success. Were the last year and a quarter a fluke? Will the likes of Mika Zibanejad, Jakob Silfverberg, and Mark Stone develop in time to justify the departures of guys like Nick Foligno and Bobby Butler? Only time will tell. One positive that Sens fans should hang on to: a year in the minors brought Jason Spezza into his superstar form during the 2004-2005 lockout. Hopefully our present day young guns may see the same sort of development.

The current lockout is still in the early days, but there are already ominous signs that the regular season won’t be starting any time soon: All pre-season games were recently cancelled; the NHLPA doesn’t seem to be making much progress in their latest series of meetings with the NHL; and some players are starting to express their rage over the impending regular-season lockout publicly.

The other night while watching Glee, I was fast-forwarding through the commercials, as I usually do, when the image of a few guys playing hockey caught my eye, so, I immediately rewound. It was just a hockey-themed advertisement, but, I still watched the whole damn thing, which is a sure sign I’m already starting to go through hockey withdrawal.

Another thing I miss are the wallpaper graphics the Canucks organization released monthly which featured a fun photo of a team member with a calendar of that month’s Canucks games. But the wallpaper image posted on the Canucks website right now features the Canucks mascot, Fin, dressed in a Johnny Canuck costume and a calendar for October that contains one event: Halloween. Another bad sign that this lockout won’t be ending anytime soon.

So I’ve decided to make my own NHL Lockout wallpaper for the month of October and share it with all of you! Just click on the image below to see the larger version. I think it visually represents how most of us feel about the Commish right now: what a little shit!

I’ll create a new NHL Lockout wallpaper image for every month this stand-off continues, so, for the sake and sanity of all hockey fans, I hope this is the first and last one I’ll have to make this season. Enjoy!

Speaking of the lockout, don’t even ask us how we plan to waste bandwidth file copy during it. To be honest, we’ve ramped up the staff with additional writers and we’ll do our best to continue cranking out the shenanigoats and tomfoolery insightful analysis and commentary that we’re known for. It’s our first lockout. We’re scared. Someone, please hold us!

Kettler was empty save for a few souls in the stands and in the press box, but it was a good turnout on the ice: Greenie (looking scruffy), Nicky, Neuvy, MoJo (in goalie pads?), Carlson (with flow in tow), Erskine, Dima, Chimdog, and some new guys who we still have a hard time ID’ing. We’ll get to know those guys soon enough – sooner if the the warring factions in NYC get their collective (bargaining) acts together.

But the guy we really wanted to see on has been a favorite of ours – and certainly with countless other Caps fans, Matt Hendricks.

We learned a couple of months back that Hendy taped a PSA for You Can Play. Tuesday morning, the video was released. It was especially heartening to see team management throw their weight behind YCP by promoting it on the Caps website and across the other team channels.

We’re cool that the Post scooped on this. No, really, we’re cool. Those torched and trashed WaPo news boxes all up and down K street this afternoon? Not our doing.

Actually, Barry did a great job on the story and it was just the kind of wake up call we love to have on a Tuesday morning. Just when we thought we couldn’t be more proud of our team, a great player like Matt Hendricks steps up huge for a great effort, with the team standing up behind him. Serious pride. Not gay pride; it’s bigger than that. #hendypride #capspride #forever.

1. Play Nude Kesler Dress-Up

While I would never advocate putting clothes on a fine-looking nude athlete, just think how adorable Ryan would look in a Western or 70’s Disco ensemble. The Nude Kesler Dress-Up kit would be like that magnetized version of Michelangelo’s David with cute little outfits that you put on your refrigerator. I think the Canucks should seriously consider doing the same with Nude Kesler. I’d buy 10 of them. Although he’d mostly remain nude on my fridge. Schwing!

2. Pin The Tail on The Bettman

This is an updated version of the party game popular with kids called “Pin The Tail On The Donkey.” Blindfolded NHL players would be made dizzy with offers and counter-offers from NHL owners, and then try to pin the collective bargaining tail on Gary Bettman’s ass. Oh what jollity would ensue! This would be followed up with NHL players attempting to split open a Bettman piñata by beating it with hockey sticks, releasing 7.5 million dollars worth of candy! Hours and hours of fun!

3. Dinner at Chick-fil-A With Tim Thomas

Now that Tim Thomas has decided to take a year off from being a goalie with the Boston Bruins in order to avoid having to meet with black Presidents, he’s got lots of time to spend over long, lavish meals with his gays. No, not at that liberal, socialist, latte-serving eatery called McDonald’s with their snooty French fries. Tim only eats at conservative, manly, peach milkshake-serving Chick-fil-A. I can’t wait to gaze lovingly into Tim’s eyes while eating god-fearing chicken sandwiches and all-American waffle fries while planning our gay wedding. I think we’d look fabulous in matching tinfoil tophats as we walk down the aisle together.

4. Bear Hunting with David Booth

I heard David Booth has a thing for bears, and that he likes to spend long weekends wandering around in the woods harpooning them with his long, pointy stick. What fun! But I think I’ll take David to The Pumpjack here in Vancouver instead, where you can lure leather-clad bears into your lair with delicious pints of beer instead of stinky, rotting beaver offal. Ewww!

5. Clothes Shopping with Don Cherry

Now, I don’t mind a flashy dresser, but, Don Cherry really takes it to a whole new level of terrifying, wardrobe-malfunctioning madness. That straight guy is in desperate need of a queer eye. So, I plan to take him on a whirlwind shopping trip to International Male for a more tasteful wardrobe of leopard-print bikini briefs and full-body thongs. I may even throw in a pair of luxurious lambs-wool leg-warmers for that retro Flashdance look. Snazzy!

6. Teach Cory Schneider New Impressions

Canucks goaltender Cory Schneider has impressed us with his uncanny impressions of Alex Burrows, Jannik Hansen and Alain Vigneault. But I don’t think he should limit himself to fellow teammates of the male persuasion, especially if he want’s a backup career in case this goalie thing doesn’t work out. So, I’ve got an entire weekend workshop planned to teach Cory how to impersonate a few famous female stars, such a Cher, Liza and Bette Davis. Maybe we’ll even do a few scenes from All About Eve with Cory as the young apprentice and Luongo as the aging star. Fasten your pushup bra, Cory, it’s going to be a campy ride!

7. Gatorade-Chugging Contest with Dustin Brown

I know that LA Kings captain Dustin Brown has been busy eating fro-yo out of the Stanley Cup all summer long, but, I’m sure the brain-freeze has made him forget that he’s directionally-challenged when it comes to drinking from a Gatorade squeezy bottle. Wouldn’t it be a hoot to challenge Dustin to a Gatorade-chugging contest? I’m sure I could win enough money to buy Dale Weise a box of Gatorade bottles with securely-fastened caps.

8. Diving Lessons with Brad Marchand

I know lots of hockey fans accuse certain members of the Canucks team of being excellent divers, but, having watched countless hours of diving during the London Olympics this summer, I’m confident that the gold medal in Hockey Diving would go to Brad Marchand of the Boston Bruins. He exhibited exquisite form and technique during the 2011 Stanley Cup Playoffs against the Washington Capitals. So, who better to take diving lessons from than sweet, little Brad! He might even be able to teach British diving vixen Tom Daley a thing or two so he can turn that bronze into gold in 2016. Win/Win!

9. Pee Wee Glow-Bowling with Jonathan Toews

Blackhawks captain Jonathan Toews takes his pee wee bowling seriously. It’s not easy knocking down those tiny little hockey pins when there are at least a dozen of them wobbling around on the ice in all directions. But I think I might have a better chance at beating him at Pee Wee Glow-Bowling. That’s when the bowling rink is turned into a gay disco and all the little pee wee pins are clad in fluorescent ensembles chosen by Don Cherry! Then it’s much easier to see them and flatten them before they can scurry away. Strrrrrrike!

10. Make a Music Video with Alex Ovechkin

When I think of Hip-Hop, I immediately think of Washington Capitals captain Alex Ovechkin. Who better to make a “Rockout To The Lockout” music video than a gap-toothed Russian hockey player who can’t dance his way out of a Mr. Big Deal candy wrapper. But his bounce-and-shuffle dance moves with stiff horizontal jazz-hands could use some work. So I’m hiring the two Pussy Riot girls that escaped from Russia to help with choreography. I just hope our video isn’t banned for 100 years by that grouch, Vladimir Putin. He needs to lighten the fuck up. But I’m sure I can coax an award-winning performance out of Alex. Move over Vanilla Ice!

Do you have any special plans should there be an NHL lockout? Be sure to send me a postcard! XO