Here’s the Cliff’s Notes.  I have low expectations of a team that missed the playoffs last season, but I’m very optimistic that the Devils will exceed those modest goals, maybe even sneak into the playoffs this season.

My optimism is mostly due to the pieces the Devils were able to add (and a little bit of addition by subtraction for the players who’ve left).

Of the departures, Kovalchuk’s hurts the most.  His sudden decision to retire (to the KHL) robbed the Devils of their most dangerous offensive player, a solid penalty killer, and an ice time hog (Kovy was the only forward in the top 50 TOI leaders last season).  His departure was a selfish, but not indefensible act.  He missed Russia and will make (and keep) more money playing in the KHL than staying a Devil.  It’s tough to blame him for it.  It is easy to hate him for it, though.  (And even easier after his comments supporting the anti-gay legislation in his home country.)

On the other hand, I’m happy to see David Clarkson go.

Clarkie was great for the Devils, but the 7 year $36.75 million dollar contract with the Maple Leafs is way too rich for the Devils (and probably too much for what Clarkson is going to bring).  While Corsi will tell you that Clarkson is a fantastic possession player, the eyeball test speaks differently.  Clarkson scored lots of important goals for the Devils, but often drove fans crazy with his play.  The 10 game suspension he earned before playing a single regular season game is the sort of thing the Leafs fans can look forward to… for seven years.

As for the arrivals, my hope is that Jaromir Jagr, Ryan Clowe, Michael Ryder and the recently signed Damien Brunner can score 85 goals between them.  And it’s fun to finally be able to root for Jagr, who still reps one of the greatest hairdos in all of sport.

No arrival will have a greater impact on the Devils this season (and hopefully for many seasons to come) than the draft day trade that brought Cory Schneider to the Devils.

Schneider gives the Devils a legitimate number one netminder to replace legend Martin Brodeur when his contract expires after this season (and Brodeur presumably retires).  Schneider might be the only goalie in the game for whom replacing surefire Hall of Famer Brodeur will be an easier experience than dealing with the Luongo situation and the media in Vancouver.  Cory’s looked great in the preseason – one can only hope that he keeps this form through the regular season… and then signs a long term extension in the offseason.

Welcome to New Jersey, Cory!  Take us back to the playoffs!

I suppose I should be grateful to have been able to watch the Canucks play any hockey at all considering the entire season was nearly a complete write-off due to the NHL lockout that lasted for 113 days. But honestly, I was having more fun during the lockout than watching the often tedious and uninspiring hockey played by the Canucks.

It is essentially the same core team from two years ago. Minus Cody Hodgson (don’t get me started). But they sure didn’t play like that Cup-contending team. I fondly remember when the Canucks would score SHGs, or would score the game-tying goal with 10 seconds left in the third period, then win in overtime. Or when the Sedins would dazzle us with their displays of hockey wizardry.

But this season the Canucks struggled on almost every front. Defense was wobbly and woeful. Goals were as rare as sightings of Tim Thomas. Goaltending was strong, but mired in the drama of having two starting goalies, which Cory and Roberto lampooned in an amusing video segment for TSN. And key players were constantly getting injured.

The Kassian Konundrum

Zack Kassian started off the season impressively while playing on the first line with the Sedins. Of the 7 goals he scored, 5 of them were while playing with the Glimmer Twins during the first two weeks of the season. But as soon as he was moved off the first line his play went to hell in a hand-basket, scoring a total of 11 points for the entire season.

On the other hand, the guy we traded to get Kassian, Cody Hodgson, earned three times more points (34) and scored twice as many goals (15). That unfortunately did not help the Buffalo Sabres much. They slipped from 19th in the NHL last season to 23rd this season. But the Canucks slipped further, from 1st in the NHL last season to 8th this season.

Nearly all Canucks writers still feel the Hodgson/Kassian trade was a good deal for Canucks. I think it’s complete bullshit. Just because Cody didn’t single-handedly lead the Sabres to the Playoffs does not make him any less talented. And the old “but he wanted out of Vancouver” excuse is weak. Yes, he wanted out of Vancouver because Vigneault and Gillis completely mis-managed that relationship and treated him poorly. The Canucks have faltered ever since Cody was traded away prior to last year’s Playoffs, and none of the new players acquired since have done as well.

Goalie Imbroglio

The mishandling of the goalie situation was the biggest mess and distraction for the Canucks. Cory Schneider was named the new starting goalie for this season while Roberto Luongo, with his enormous contract, remained on the roster. Then, in early April, Twitter was aflutter with hyperventilating fans who were preparing for the end of the Luongo era when he was called off the ice by Canucks management minutes before the trade deadline.

But nothing happened. A trade never materialized, which meant Luongo was stuck being Number 1 Backup Goalie for the rest of the season. I don’t know the intricate details of why a deal never happened, but, I’m pretty sure this was the biggest fuck-up by General Manager Mike Gillis so far. It will no doubt be a drama that continues to play out during the off-season.

Vilifying Vigneault

Poor Alain Vigneault. The giggling, gum-chewing Head Coach didn’t have a chance against the pitchfork-wielding public who were calling for his head even before the Playoffs began.

Lots of people found Vigneault’s hands-off, laissez-faire coaching style a teensy bit off-putting while his team was quickly spiraling downward. I mean, if I were the Canucks coach, I’d be screaming and throwing shit around the locker room Tortorella-style. Perhaps he did, I have no idea. But whatever he was doing late last season and all of this season was just not working. The constant experimenting and tweaking of lines befuddled bloggers and started the “Fire AV” drumbeat that got louder and louder after each Playoff game loss.

Eventually those calling for Vigneault’s head got their wish. He and two of his assistant coaches were fired by Mike Gillis last week.

Gillllyyyyy!!

I’m amazed that, after mis-handling the Luongo trade and leaving the team without a strong Center for much of the season when he ended Manny Malhotra’s hockey-playing career, Mike Gillis is still the Canucks GM. Many point to him as the real reason for Canucks’ dilemma, and Vigneault was simply trying to work with what Gillis inadequately provided. But like the “Gilly” character played by Kristen Wiig on SNL, Gillis has yet to pay a price for the mischief he has caused. Or even say “Sorry.”

But now that Vigneault is gone, Gillis is left holding the bag full of problems that still plague the Canucks, including the additional burden of finding a new coach who can work with the team he’s assembled. But if the team continues to flounder and he flubs the Luongo trade, it’s possible Gillis could be looking for a new job this time next year.

Millionaires in Six Seconds

While there was plenty to bitch about, there were a few redeeming moments during this truncated travesty of a season.

Canucks management got a lot of feel-good mileage when they introduced the Millionaires replica uniforms worn during the game with the Detroit Red Wings on March 16th. I was really looking forward to seeing them play in those uniforms and loved how they celebrated Vancouver’s long, rich hockey history and contributions to the sport we know and love today.

When Alex Burrows scored the first goal just 6 seconds into the game, breaking the Canucks record for fastest goal scored, I thought maybe this could be the turning point as they channeled Fred “Cyclone” Taylor and the Cup-winning Millionaires from 1915. No such luck. Detroit ended up trouncing the Canucks 5-2. We haven’t seen those Millionaires uniforms since.

Oops, this is supposed to be about happy moments. Back on course…

Henrik Breaks Stuff

Thanks to my Canucks-season-ticket-holding Fairy Godmother, Mary, I was at the game on February 15 when Henrik Sedin broke the Canucks all-time scoring record. He scored his 757th career point, surpassing Markus Naslund who previously held that record. The entire stadium erupted into a long, boisterous standing ovation. The only thing missing was a large bouquet of flowers presented to Henrik and an encore. Unfortunately, the Canucks ended up losing that game to the Dallas Stars by one point.

There I go again! Stay positive, Tom.

BizNasty No Longer a Dickhead

In my “Biggest Dickheads” post at the beginning of January, I included Paul Bissonnette (BizNasty), who plays for the Phoenix Coyotes, after a dust-up with him on Twitter last year. One night after the Coyotes played Canucks here in Vancouver, I posted another snarky tweet about him that I was sure he wouldn’t see because he had blocked me.

Well, he saw it and re-tweeted it. But surprisingly he unblocked me and we ended up having a private chat on Twitter that was short but sweet. Paul wanted to let me know that, while some of his followers may have hurled homophobic slurs at me, he supports gay rights and has no problem with gay people. I thought it was pretty nice of him to reach out like that. Now I can go back to thinking he’s hot again.

Most Unforgettable Canucks Tweet of the Season

One last moment that I can never forget was when injured Canucks backup goalie Eddie Lack sent out this tweet in early March:

No, he wasn’t talking about Alex Semin. A photo accompanied his tweet which showed a bicycle seat splashed with spooge! For realz!! Lack emphatically claimed in a followup tweet that he did not do it. And I believe him. But, wow, I don’t think any other professional hockey player can top that tweet, not even BizNasty.

Thanks for the Memories

This is my final post for PuckBuddys. It’s been an absolute honor to be the first writer recruited for this ground-breaking hockey blog, but I’m, afraid I must resign my position as both Canucks writer and Western Conference Bureau Chief. When Craig and Doug asked me to be a contributor in the Summer of 2011, I thought they must be high or drunk or both because I knew nothing about hockey and was a newly-minted Canucks fan. So of course I said “Yes!” Since then, they’ve built an impressive stable of writers who provide the best rainbow-colored commentary about hockey you can find on the Internet. I’m proud to have been a part of it.

You can still find me on Twitter (@GayCanuck) making snarky, bitchy comments about hockey and Glee. Over and out. XO, Tom, a.k.a. GayCanuck

[Editors’ Note: We thank Tom for his service, good cheer and panache. He’s responsible for our single biggest traffic day (Ohai, Naked Kesler), and the banner we have at the top of the site. With any luck, we can talk (cajole) him into helping us with our off-season site redesign. Replacing him won’t be easy and we’ll start the search for his replacement immediately. The audition process promises to be rigorous; we’re looking for verve, sass and style. Extra credit will be granted in both the talent portion and swimsuit competition. Inquire within.]

Cory Schneider

Nearly a year ago, I was one of those who lamented the loss of Cody Hodgson in a trade that included Kassian. And it wasn’t just because Cody is as cute as a button. He’s also a talented, refined hockey player who was developing a beautiful chemistry with the Sedins that was beginning to produce results.

Other Canucks fans felt the same, and still do as we watch Cody making an impressive start to his season with the Buffalo Sabres who have so far won both of their first two games. However, I do have to mention that Cody looked much better wearing the blue and green than he does in the pukey dark blue and urine colors of the Sabres. Blech. But I digress!

As Kassian’s star began to rise last night with the first goal, and then the winning shootout goal, the cocky chorus of “Cody who?” and “Where are all those Cody lovers now?” grew even louder in the Twitterverse.

Yes, go ahead, crow and thump your chest over Kassian’s achievements for the past two games, but, let’s keep things in perspective: the Canucks were playing the Flames, a team they normally have no problem beating, plus they blew a 2 point lead again, sending the game into a double shootout. By the end of the first shootout, I was literally curled into a fetal position on the couch clutching a bottle of cabernet while watching with one eye open. It wasn’t pretty!

However, I will admit that I’m begrudgingly beginning to see sparks of talent from Kassian who trained with the Sedins for a few weeks during the off-season, as reported by Jason Botchford of The Province. This partnership with the Sedins appears to be an inspired match so far. Kassian has fists of steel that makes him an imposing protector, but he also has nerves of steel that enable him to perform well in a high-pressure shootout.

In fact, I just dropped Cam Fowler to add Zack Kassian to my Fantasy Hockey League team, Surrender Dorothy, because not only can Zack drop a house on his opponents (see Ben Eager), he’s proving that he can play well with the cerebral Sedin twins to produce that which has been agonizingly scarce for the Canucks ever since Cody’s departure: GOALS.

Only time will tell if this is just a fluke or the beginning of a beautiful romance. But in Vancouver, we know how fickle these hockey romances can be. Just ask Roberto Luongo and Cory Schneider. It takes just one or two bad games for the Bedazzled sequins to tarnish and lose their sparkle.

But I’d be willing to bet that after Kassian’s performance in the past two games, David Booth is quivering in his bear-skin moccasins right about now.

1. Play Nude Kesler Dress-Up

While I would never advocate putting clothes on a fine-looking nude athlete, just think how adorable Ryan would look in a Western or 70’s Disco ensemble. The Nude Kesler Dress-Up kit would be like that magnetized version of Michelangelo’s David with cute little outfits that you put on your refrigerator. I think the Canucks should seriously consider doing the same with Nude Kesler. I’d buy 10 of them. Although he’d mostly remain nude on my fridge. Schwing!

2. Pin The Tail on The Bettman

This is an updated version of the party game popular with kids called “Pin The Tail On The Donkey.” Blindfolded NHL players would be made dizzy with offers and counter-offers from NHL owners, and then try to pin the collective bargaining tail on Gary Bettman’s ass. Oh what jollity would ensue! This would be followed up with NHL players attempting to split open a Bettman piñata by beating it with hockey sticks, releasing 7.5 million dollars worth of candy! Hours and hours of fun!

3. Dinner at Chick-fil-A With Tim Thomas

Now that Tim Thomas has decided to take a year off from being a goalie with the Boston Bruins in order to avoid having to meet with black Presidents, he’s got lots of time to spend over long, lavish meals with his gays. No, not at that liberal, socialist, latte-serving eatery called McDonald’s with their snooty French fries. Tim only eats at conservative, manly, peach milkshake-serving Chick-fil-A. I can’t wait to gaze lovingly into Tim’s eyes while eating god-fearing chicken sandwiches and all-American waffle fries while planning our gay wedding. I think we’d look fabulous in matching tinfoil tophats as we walk down the aisle together.

4. Bear Hunting with David Booth

I heard David Booth has a thing for bears, and that he likes to spend long weekends wandering around in the woods harpooning them with his long, pointy stick. What fun! But I think I’ll take David to The Pumpjack here in Vancouver instead, where you can lure leather-clad bears into your lair with delicious pints of beer instead of stinky, rotting beaver offal. Ewww!

5. Clothes Shopping with Don Cherry

Now, I don’t mind a flashy dresser, but, Don Cherry really takes it to a whole new level of terrifying, wardrobe-malfunctioning madness. That straight guy is in desperate need of a queer eye. So, I plan to take him on a whirlwind shopping trip to International Male for a more tasteful wardrobe of leopard-print bikini briefs and full-body thongs. I may even throw in a pair of luxurious lambs-wool leg-warmers for that retro Flashdance look. Snazzy!

6. Teach Cory Schneider New Impressions

Canucks goaltender Cory Schneider has impressed us with his uncanny impressions of Alex Burrows, Jannik Hansen and Alain Vigneault. But I don’t think he should limit himself to fellow teammates of the male persuasion, especially if he want’s a backup career in case this goalie thing doesn’t work out. So, I’ve got an entire weekend workshop planned to teach Cory how to impersonate a few famous female stars, such a Cher, Liza and Bette Davis. Maybe we’ll even do a few scenes from All About Eve with Cory as the young apprentice and Luongo as the aging star. Fasten your pushup bra, Cory, it’s going to be a campy ride!

7. Gatorade-Chugging Contest with Dustin Brown

I know that LA Kings captain Dustin Brown has been busy eating fro-yo out of the Stanley Cup all summer long, but, I’m sure the brain-freeze has made him forget that he’s directionally-challenged when it comes to drinking from a Gatorade squeezy bottle. Wouldn’t it be a hoot to challenge Dustin to a Gatorade-chugging contest? I’m sure I could win enough money to buy Dale Weise a box of Gatorade bottles with securely-fastened caps.

8. Diving Lessons with Brad Marchand

I know lots of hockey fans accuse certain members of the Canucks team of being excellent divers, but, having watched countless hours of diving during the London Olympics this summer, I’m confident that the gold medal in Hockey Diving would go to Brad Marchand of the Boston Bruins. He exhibited exquisite form and technique during the 2011 Stanley Cup Playoffs against the Washington Capitals. So, who better to take diving lessons from than sweet, little Brad! He might even be able to teach British diving vixen Tom Daley a thing or two so he can turn that bronze into gold in 2016. Win/Win!

9. Pee Wee Glow-Bowling with Jonathan Toews

Blackhawks captain Jonathan Toews takes his pee wee bowling seriously. It’s not easy knocking down those tiny little hockey pins when there are at least a dozen of them wobbling around on the ice in all directions. But I think I might have a better chance at beating him at Pee Wee Glow-Bowling. That’s when the bowling rink is turned into a gay disco and all the little pee wee pins are clad in fluorescent ensembles chosen by Don Cherry! Then it’s much easier to see them and flatten them before they can scurry away. Strrrrrrike!

10. Make a Music Video with Alex Ovechkin

When I think of Hip-Hop, I immediately think of Washington Capitals captain Alex Ovechkin. Who better to make a “Rockout To The Lockout” music video than a gap-toothed Russian hockey player who can’t dance his way out of a Mr. Big Deal candy wrapper. But his bounce-and-shuffle dance moves with stiff horizontal jazz-hands could use some work. So I’m hiring the two Pussy Riot girls that escaped from Russia to help with choreography. I just hope our video isn’t banned for 100 years by that grouch, Vladimir Putin. He needs to lighten the fuck up. But I’m sure I can coax an award-winning performance out of Alex. Move over Vanilla Ice!

Do you have any special plans should there be an NHL lockout? Be sure to send me a postcard! XO

Cory Schneider

We all saw Lu sit the bench for games 4 and 5, while my [fantasy] boyfriend Cory Schneider played extremely well in both outings against the Kings. So of course, EVERYONE, and their brother’s dog-walker’s cousin’s nanny, got all up-in-arms over the goaltending situation in Vancouver. Bandwagon Canuck fans were all “TRADE LUONGO!!!!” While the Canuck faithful were all “TRADE LUONGO!!!” (notice the one less exclamation point, that’s important). But thankfully, a lot of fans saw that the three game deficit against the Kings was not Luongo’s fault, and that Lu played well. The problem was defense, and lack of scoring; not goaltending.

Roberto Luongo

So after the brutal overtime loss in game 5, the rumor mill continued to churn at an unprecedented pace until media day press conferences. Of course, Mike Gillis veiled his answers in mystery, as he will always do since he is a great GM. Then there was Luongo’s media availability interview. It seemed like all the reporters were interested in was his view of his future with the Canucks, and appropriately so, because let’s face it, that is what sells newspapers in southwestern BC, and gains readers on sports websites.

The media insisted on hounding Luongo on what he sees in his future. Will you be the starter, the backup, or even in Vancouver at all? Luongo responded as he usually does, moving his head back and forth a lot away from the microphones and saying “uh” a lot. But he also gave some legitimate, no BS answers. He said he would waive the no-trade clause in his contract for a short list of teams, and would be willing to leave Vancouver if it is best for the team.

Cory

He was a consummate professional, emphasizing that he puts the team ahead of himself. A very commendable trait to have in a superstar goaltender. What I personally thought was a very classy move by Luongo was the way he praised Schneider for his abilities. He pumped up those tires pretty well.

It was reported that Luongo would give a list of 4-5 teams to management that he would waive the no-trade clause for. I can’t help but speculate as to who is on that list, but my best guesses would be New Jersey, Florida, Toronto, and Tampa Bay.

With Brodeur on the brink of retirement, NJ is in desperate need of a bonafide starting goaltender. Lu says he plans to retire in Florida when he is done playing professional hockey, so the Panthers or the Lightning would be legitimate options; he still has family there, so it’s not a totally out-there possibility. Also, both Florida teams are either playoff contenders, or barely missed, Lu probably wants a post-season contending team to play for. Toronto is in need of goaltending, and Lu could offer them more stability there. Anyway, it’s all conjecture.

Kopitar watches puck sit on Lu's shoulder

Now I want to take a minute and clear up all this “goalie controversy” nonsense. Speaking as a goalie coach, and goalie myself, I do not see a goalie controversy. What I see is one of the best goaltending tandems in the NHL. Lu is the only active goaltender to have 5+ consecutive season with a save percentage at or above 91%. He may start slow, but he puts up very impressive numbers. Schneider is a stellar young goaltender with massive potential.

If he were a member of almost any other team in the NHL, he would be the starter without a doubt. But all that does not create a goaltending controversy; it creates serious depth.

Every goalie is going to go through slumps, and through hot streaks. I mean, look at Bryzgalov this season.

Horrible outings, followed by like, what, 6543542 minutes of shutouts? Perfect example. So when Luongo goes through a slump, no big deal, it happens. When Schneider goes on a hot streak, awesome! When a team has two goaltenders who can win big games, it’s a blessing, not a curse. The only reason people think there is a controversy is their obsession with contract terms and salaries. Is Lu’s contract long and lucrative for him? Absolutely. Does that really matter when the team is trying to win games? Not really, no. So my advice to Canuck fans, shut up and be thankful that we have two AMAZING goalies. At least for now.

If Lu is traded, or if Schneider is traded, we still have Lack waiting in Chicago. Goaltending depth is not a big issue. And if you just don’t want to see either of them go because you’ll miss them, take a page out of Lu’s book, and put the team ahead of one player.

Ok, end of rant, analysis, and advice.   Follow me on twitter here: @GayPuckPrincess

For weeks after the announcement, Canucks bloggers, sports writers and fans all debated whether or not it was wise for the Canucks to trade a team member who some believed was blossoming into an elite player with huge potential. But others felt he was starting to falter and under-perform, and that his run of outstanding games in January was a temporary blip.

Some of this negativity stemmed from last season when some fans felt that Cody’s performance during the Playoffs was disappointing. And it didn’t help that Coach Alain Vigneault publicly stated once that he believed Cody used his back injury to cover up his poor performance at camp in 2009. That most likely created some bad blood between the two.

But this season Cody demonstrated more speed, agility and, more importantly, he began to develop a real chemistry with the Sedins, Burrows and other players that was leading to goals and assists. He was becoming an integral part of a team that was beginning to finally operate like a finely-tuned machine after months of working out the kinks and experimenting with different line pairings. He even had a cute nickname — CoHo, which here in Pacific Northwest is also a popular type of salmon — and two days before he was traded he and David Booth were watching the movie Aladdin together. Awwwwww!

But then suddenly CoHo was gone.

He was shuffled off to Buffalo, allegedly because he requested the transfer after asking Vigneault for more ice time and being refused. And with him went the chemistry and skill that started to gel with the team. Even though Cody’s absence was sometimes painfully obvious in a few games following his trade, the Canucks still managed to go on and win enough games and points to become the President’s Trophy winner two years in a row. No complaints there!

But it felt like much more of a struggle to get there without Cody. Power plays became more labored and began to languish, and the Sedins began having a bit of a goal drought. Games with teams like the Blue Jackets were frequently going into overtime. But still, why worry, after all, they ended up first in the League!

Of course, I realize there are other factors at play here other than Cody’s trade, but, I believe now more than ever that trading him  mid-season was a mistake. And while Zack Kassian, Samuel Pahlsson and Marc-Andre Gragnani — the talented players acquired in the Hodgson trade — may all become star players for Canucks eventually, they’re not quite there just yet. But Cody was. And the “toughness” we apparently acquired has so far not provided much return, especially during the Playoffs so far.

Cody would have also been a much better player to have on our team after Daniel Sedin was taken out of the game with a concussion inflicted by Blackhawks defenseman Duncan Keith. Daniel’s absence has probably been the most devastating blow to the team’s chances at winning the Cup, they’ve been stumbling in the Playoffs without him.

There are lots of fancy numbers that can be used as “proof” that we got a great deal by trading Cody, and how his performance with the Sabres has been less than stellar and how he wasn’t doing that great before he was traded anyway. But those stats are based on what happened in the past, they can’t predict what might happen in the future any better than I can. Cody’s performance with the Sabres is not indicative of how we would have continued to play with the Canucks, either. And there are no statistics that measure team chemistry or camaraderie which are also important to a team’s cohesion and motivation to win.

When the Canucks lost their third game to the Los Angeles Kings last night, I sent out a simple tweet that read: “I only have two words: CODY HODGSON.” I received  a few expletive-laced responses from other Canucks fans along with a few more reasoned opinions about why I’m completely wrong. But  about the same number of people who disagreed with me, also agreed with me.

This doesn’t mean I’ve lost all hope for the Canucks. They may be down right now, but, they’re not out of the race yet. The team played much better in Game 3 than they did in the previous two games. Perhaps they’ve finally cracked the code to Jonathan Quick’s vault-like net-minding and Game 4 will turn out to be the Canucks’ Seabiscuit moment.

It could happen!   GO CANUCKS GO! 

To most hockey fans, having their team doing as well as the Canucks are doing right now would bring rapturous joy to their sad lives as fans of, well, other not-so-fortunate teams. Okay, the Leafs. That is a sad and desolate landscape. Hug a Leafs fan if you see one.

But for Canucks fans, it’s time to PANIC!! As the Playoffs rapidly approach, all rational thought flies out the window and we start worrying about every tiny little problem the Canucks have. Why isn’t Henrik scoring more?

Why can’t Luongo stop every puck in every game? Why aren’t they scoring more goals during power plays? How much longer until we get to see Chris Higgins’ abs again?

The most intense battle amongst panicked Canucks fans is over our two stellar goalies: Roberto Luongo and Cory Schneider. Both have had incredible games with a few embarrassing losses this past season. But when Luongo lets a few pucks in, he usually takes it in the five-hole for his entire team. And the pitched battle between Lu-Lovers and Lu-Haters as April 11th approaches starts to resemble the scene from Mommy Dearest where Christine screams at Joan “I am not one of your fans!!” prior to being nearly choked to death.

During a recent game between the Canucks and Ducks, Luongo was pulled during the second period when the score reached 4-2, and reports from Rogers Arena say that he was booed by fans while leaving the ice. Cory Schneider, who made a few dazzling saves that night, later defended Luongo when asked about the fan reaction:

“It’s getting old. I’m glad they like me and support me, but he’s a guy that has done a lot for this team and this city — and he deserves a lot better than that.”

In other words, Canucks fans, CLOSE YOUR BAZOO and stop booing Lu.

Coach Alain Vigneault, when asked the same question, said the fans pay a lot of money, so, have a right to cheer or boo as they want. How very diplomatic! But during his interview on After Hours recently, Vigneault good-naturedly challenged Scott Oake for characterizing the Canucks recent two losses out of 6 games as “a bit of a funk.” Later, Vigneault also joked about the pressure fans typically put on #1 and said, “Luongo’s blamed for a lot of things, he’s blamed for the teacher strike, he’s blamed for the bad weather and he’s blamed for high gas prices.”

A month ago Kevin Bieksa publicly commented to the press about how quiet and complacent Canucks fans are at home games, while praising the Winnipeg Jets fan-base for their boisterous enthusiasm at home and away games.

And many in the Vancouver sports media agreed with him and then heaped more scorn on Canucks fans.

After so much criticism from our own team, from the media and fans of other teams, and after the horrible way our season ended last year, it’s not surprising that Canucks fans are feeling just a teensy bit anxious and on edge as we enter the Playoffs despite our team’s standing. It’s déjà vu which is both exhilarating and terrifying.

Do Canucks fans deserve all the criticism? Having such a large fan-base means we have a large cross-section of people all cheering for the same team. Just like in real life, when you get that many people together there’s bound to be disagreements and differences of opinion. Such as this charming tweet I saw right after the final game of the regular season:

@ParthoGhosh: To all the #Van Media who wanted to fire AV. People like Tony Gallagher and such. One thing: go fuck yourselves. #canucks #PresidentsTrophy

So, yes, sometimes the criticism is valid and warranted. But this goes on in every fan-base to varying degrees. When your team is currently sitting on top, there are going to be a lot of people taking shots and trying to knock us off that pedestal. This will include endless riot jokes and being called “classless” and “cup-less” countless times during the Playoffs. Because in a game where on-ice brawls get the loudest cheers, it’s all about class, right?

No, but it is all about the Cup. And the journey to win one begins again soon. No one knows how far down the road we’ll get this time. We might get knocked out in the first round, we might make it to the very end, we might even win the Stanley Cup for the first time.

So, Canucks fans, try not to panic. Ignore the instigators trolling for a reaction, support the whole team, and stay calm knowing that all of this madness just goes with the territory of being a fan of the most awesome team in the NHL.

Enjoy the ride! GO CANUCKS GO!!

On CBC’s After Hours show, following the Canucks/Flames game on HNIC, Scott Oake asked a question that I submitted via Twitter for his guest that night, Canucks goalie Cory Schneider. My question: “Do you prefer the nickname Gingerbricks or Ginger Jesus?”

I’ve seen both nicknames used frequently among other Canucks fans on Twitter and I wanted to set the record straight about which nickname our ravishing, red-haired backup goalie preferred! But apparently, he doesn’t like either of them. This was Cory’s answer:

“I’d like to debunk that right now. Daniel, Henrik and myself, as red-heads we don’t really enjoy the term ‘ginger.’ We’re trying to get it out of people’s vernacular.”

[Jump to 15:00 in video above to see Cory’s answer.]

My first thought was, “Oh great! I just insulted Cory Schneider on national TV! And did he just use the word ‘vernacular’ in a sentence?” Then I wondered why Cory reacted negatively to the term ginger, which is a word commonly used in England to describe “red heads,” but is not meant to be derogatory.

I remembered reading about a shameful bullying campaign someone started years ago called “Kick a Ginger Day” that was apparently inspired by an episode of South Park titled “Ginger Kids.” The campaign resulted in kids around the world being bullied, harassed and beaten at school all because of the color of their hair.

Could this be the reason why Cory, Daniel and Henrik don’t like being described as ginger? I wonder if Cory was ever bullied for having red hair. If he was, then I can understand why he has an aversion to that word. Having been bullied myself, I know the terror and anxiety it instills. The labels become hurtful slurs.

Whether that’s why Cory doesn’t like being called ginger or not, it’s clear our Nuckname for him cannot contain that word. That leaves us with Jesus Bricks, which doesn’t have the same ring. So, I turned to Twitter for some suggestions. (Cue ominous organ music.)

@I_Need_Minions wondered if @jBowmancouver’s nickname for Cory Schneider — Redheaded Stopchild — might be preferable. While clever, I think this would definitely fall into the same category as Ginger Jesus and not be enjoyable for Cory.

@sedinitronic has a good suggestion: change “ginger” to “cinnamon” or “cinna.” So, Cory’s nickname would be transformed into Cinna-Bricks or Cinna-Jesus. Just think of the potential endorsement deals with Cinnabon®! I think this one has promise.

@CryxTofer calls Cory “Ginger Ninja,” which is cute, but alas, it contains the term that must not be enjoyed. Not only that, he compared Cory’s very stylish suit to … DON CHERRY? Oh honey. The difference between Cory Schneider and Don Cherry is like the difference between Tom Ford and Liberace drinking garcinia cambogia tea. It’s kind of a noticeable.

Then there’s Dennis Bernstein (@DennisTFP), who thinks Scott Oake should not have even asked my question. And in a later tweet said that the producer of After Hours should be fired for picking my question. Well, I never! What does Dennis Bernstein have against nickname questions anyway? (Pssst, Dennis. It’s Cory, not Corey.)

Okay, maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to turn to Twitter for advice. So, my dearest readers, tell me in the comments below what YOU think Cory Schneider’s new Nuckname should be!

Follow the gayest and most sparkly Canuck ever on twitter: @GayCanuck