A while back, our Buffalo Sabres writer – Paul Kaseman – told us he had some thoughts to share about the NHL’s annual All-Star game. He does have some thoughts – some strong ones. This was written several weeks ago, before the NHL’s declaration that John Scott will be attending the NHL All-Star game as a participant. Due to an error on our part we’re only getting it up now. -Eds

In lieu of what the NHL vis-à-vis Gary Bettman have nefariously acted as in according to John Scott’s fan vote selection of captain in their all-star game my interpretation of that which constitutes the definition of an all-star has come to be questioned. The reason for scrutinizing the definition is based on a rise of repugnant feelings toward the National Hockey Leagues on their treatment of the parties, John Scott is not the only party persecuted, involved.

Let us embark initially on these blogging thoughts of a madman where the controversy begins in its infancy, the NHL All-Star game in conjunction with fan-voting. The All-Star game is a contest of those adjudicated to be the best player in the league. In an effort to bolster viewership and participation for the game itself the NHL gave the fans some say into the contestants.  I imagine the rationale for this being (simply):  increased fan participation equates to increased fan involvement, i.e. money for the league from  a myriad of sources including but not limited to prospective TV deals & revenue from all-star related activities of but not solely the sale of merchandise & promotional events.  My previous involvement in such activity has been to cast a single vote to players I would appreciate watching in the aforementioned competition.

I know not the multitudes of players in the league but I know players I like to watch, even those not belonging to the Blue and Gold of my Buffalo Sabres.  Yes, last year I was one of 1,574,896 (pg 90 in  the link) votes for Zemgus Girgensons & one of probably two hundred thousand votes that weren’t from the country of Latvia.  Girgensons is not an ‘all-star’ caliber player perspective of the league yet in my estimation he is.  He came to symbolize hard-work, dedication, grit, & most importantly for me (perhaps Latvia as well) determination to not just emerge in the land of the best but to have success there as well.  These qualities are worthy of emulation in my life.  Through Zemgus I have an admiration for.  In a term for the NHL he is an all-star in my life.  He was one of the players I voted for last year.  Through his participation, the principle reason, I viewed not just the all-star game itself but the draft, etc, etc.  In every year of which I voted & a principle character has enlivened the format I have watched the NHL All-Star game.

This year the NHL resumed their tradition of a fan vote.  Again my votes were cast in their new format.  Jagr, despite his humor on twitter, was one of my selections, Girgensons another, the East I knew well enough.  The West not as much but decently enough to know league scribed all-stars, if for nothing else the balloting page had a list of recommended players to choose from.  Yet John Scott was one of the names I heard about acquiring serious nomination.  I thought of Mr. Scott as a representative.  Having some familiarity to both the player and his person from his warm days in Buffalo, a notoriously cold city & during his tenure a cold couple seasons (12/13, 13/14) through no fault of his own (#tank).  Reminiscent of what he was, he certainly became a source of gaity, merriment, and laughter.  Actions much needed from the viewpoint of this blogging madman.  His fights, hits gave us a reason for the occasional cheer too.  Thus when it came time to cast a vote he was a person I could call an all-star in my estimation.  Through not his point production on the ice but through his charming personality & dedication of a good soldier, a team player – doing that which is asked of you without question by your coach.  Perhaps the later is akin to us all.

With the league phasing out his role, the role of enforcer, an all-star tip of the cap is a thanks not just to John Scott but a memorial tribute with great appreciation to the unsung heroes (all-stars) of enforcers past.  John Scott symbolizes our statue of bronze outside each arena of enforcers and journey-men; that of good soldiers who will soon be obsolete.

What then is an all-star but those that exemplify the qualities & dreams of the viewing public or even the private person.  The NHL appears to stricken the meaning to those with the best statistical points/records in comparison with the current season & in relation from their respective team. -Each team shall have at minimum one representative.- We, the people, generally agree with such a definition.  It represents qualities of success, perseverance/drive, dedication, team-work.  As a coach these are all top qualities I strive to instill in my players year after year.  As a worker, these are qualities I strive for at work.  As a person these are all qualities I remind myself to be daily.  An all-star can be defined not as narrowly.  It may also be remarkable, excellent, prominent, noted, even notable; a hero – someone to look up to in admiration for the “content of their character, not the color of their skin” – M.L.K. or in this case not for their marginalized role in the NHL.

My father is an all-star of mine as is my mother, my grandmother as well, as people personal to me for raising me the right way with ‘content of character’; for teaching me to respect others, be fair in life, adhere to the golden rule, instilling in me a most solid and noble moral compass to which I lead my life.  They themselves in loose ways fit the NHL standard of an all-star but they are not a the top of their class in a broader world like the NHL selected list recommends despite their successes/stats/records in life.  After all you, the reader, would have no idea who they are if given their names.  They are not Warren Buffet, Elon Musk, Bill Gates; the Alex Ovechkin, Erik Karlsson, Jonathan Quick type people.  They are the John Scott’s of hockey to me, the dedicated soldier to help me be better in my life – the same as an enforcer protects star players.

They are the marginalized players but the important players that receive little fanfare.  Herein lies the maturity of the controversy with the spoiled action of the National Hockey League vis-à-vis Gary Bettman in the removal (according to Bob McKenzie’s twitter account) of John Scott from their all-star game in Nashville.  They are saying my all-star, your voted in all-star/hero can not be your mother, father, or any personage that is personal to you without it being a distinctly notable entity in the grand scheme of the world like that of a Bill Gates or Alex Ovechkin.  Well Mr. Bettman, the NHL, and others hidden behind the obfuscation of a corporate entity, I do admire Warren Buffet, Elon Musk, Bill Gates, et al, but one representative of each team is to be selected to the all-star game.  Since, by your generosity, have allowed me to vote in a representative of my team I have selected my father/my grandmother/perhaps myself if I be so fortunate to exemplify qualities others admire me for, in the NHL personage of John Scott.  In doing so I also give great thanks to him and the NHL journey-men of past & present he represents along with the NHL enforcers of old he is a modern symbol of.

I also recognize your, perhaps successful attempt at that of removing him and his representations from your All-Star hockey game.  I say ‘perhaps successful attempt’ in hope by your mercy you allow him to play and being the final representation of our personal all-stars and the last vestige of the ‘enforcer’ role you yourself are phasing out of the game.

John Scott is a marginal player.  He symbolizes much for your many varied and marginalized fans.  This blog itself is indicative of a representation of your marginalized fans (though this article is of my belief alone and may not represent the beliefs of the site it is posted on).  As a Buffalo Sabres fan I know what marginalization feels like.  In hockey terms:  We play Canada’s game in America, we are too Canadian for America, too American for Canada.  Is Buffalo American or Canadian for the hockey world?  Who knows… We haven’t won anything since…  Every Sabres game I attend their isn’t a star jersey that sticks out (not even Eichel yet).  We celebrate our third and fourth line players and admire their grit and ferocity as much as our first and second line players.  The bevy of jerseys with too numerous a name etched on the back during each home game proves our love for the team as a whole, first to fourth line along with benched & traded/retired players.  We love all our players and they love us (just one of many examples).

On a more personal note, is that I also am marginalized at large by being a homosexual which this website and its many authors can attest to.  Yet we are all hockey and even NHL fans.  Women, minorities, etc. can also attest to being marginalized at large, fans that enjoy fighting and enforcers have also felt marginalized by actions of the NHL to curtail a certain aspect of the game they love.  Each marginalized in their own way yet each still appreciate and enjoy that game which you oversee.  Despite the work of this site, You Can Play, Andrew Ference, Brian Burke, LA Kings’ kiss cam & team, et company at large we are still marginalized.  Please, I implore thee, allow us skates to play, a stick to tape up, and pads to protect us.  Give us an ice rink in Nashville for our teams’ representative in the NHL personage of John Scott.  Not just for me but for us – your marginalized fans in society – but also your segment of fans who love and appreciate the role of ‘enforcer’.

Please allow John Scott to play so that I, we, will watch the all-star game in Nashville this year.

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Alex Ovechkin is destined for the Hockey Hall of Fame one day. Tuesday afternoon, outside of Verizon, his name was enshrined in the Ride of Fame, an honor bestowed upon other notable athletes such as Henrik Lundqvist, Reggie Jackson, Joe Namath Roger Maris, Joe Theisman and Walt Frazier.

The Ride of Fame is a series of “mobile monuments,” basically double-decker tourist buses, that honor famous New Yorkers (mostly), from the sports world, music (LIZA has one!), movies (Richard Dreyfus), Broadway (Bernadette Peters), and other professions (Donald Trump and Rachel Ray). A contest was held for fans to be VIPs at the induction ceremony and a lucky few got the chance to roll with the captain. It’s a pretty sweet rig.

Dressed like a typical DC tourist in t-shirt and cutoff sweats, Ovi boards his bus for the first time.

For the next month, Ovi One will be seen all over town from 9am and 11pm and it will have two routes. One will traverse the downtown and federal corridors, the Hill, Penn Quarter and Foggy Bottom.

A second loop starts on the Hill and heads to Georgetown, up to Woodley Park and through DuPont. For a town that doesn’t allow billboards, this is some pretty clever outdoor advertising.

There was a nice turnout of fans media and passers-by. After the ceremony, the bus took off for a lap around Verizon and from the top deck, Ovi appeared to really be digging it.

Ovi was in very good spirits and posed for pics and selfies and spent about 5 minutes doing a scrum with the attending reporters.

Slapshot and the Red Rockers were there, too!

After a quick trip around the Booth, Ovi One rolled back to the F Street entrance.

QUICK TAKES: Last Week: 0-2-1

Pittsburgh Penguins – Loss 4-0 – Huh? What? No, what do you mean they played this game? I don’t remember it. Nuh uh. Crosby scored wha-? Nope, sorry mister, not ringing any bells. Nope.

Montreal Canadiens – Loss 3-2 – Man can not subsist on Alex Ovechkin alone, and the Caps learned it here. When one player is carrying the whole team on his shoulders, sometimes Atlas shrugs, and I’m going to go rinse out my mouth for making an Ayn Rand reference.

Toronto Maple Leafs – Loss 2-1 (SO) – James Reimer is a witch and should be burned. Fifty saves. FIFTY. Ovechkin scored and the Caps dominated the shot count, so we’ll take the consolitory Loser Point, like a fudgsicle after a flu shot.

Like that flu shot, this week hurt, seeing the Caps taking just one of a possible six points. With three games this Thanksgiving week, let’s see what to keep an eye on circa this Turkey Day.

Czech Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

Okay, so The Trade was a bad one. You were right, Internet. Martin Erat has officially requested a trade out of Washington, while Filip Forsberg is still in Nashville, not operating in a state of open rebellion. Crap.

Washington got the short end of the goalless hockey stick, but the scales aren’t tipped as heavily towards Dollywood as los pollos pocos would have you believe. Filip Forsberg was one of our most highly-touted young prospects, but honestly, this is the Capitals we’re talking about. I’m sure there’s a bum walking around Adams Morgan that we gave a contract to once.

Forsberg only shined in Sweden because he played in their second-tier league, a league I can only assume was called “Sekondtiersesliga.” Forsberg only has one goal more than Erat’s zero, and exactly the same number of points. Like dumping your Boeing stock and investing it all in Old-Timey Jumping Eight-Winged Crashmobiles, we traded away the future for a now-bust stop-gap. Now we’re left holding the bag, costing four and a half million dollars, made by Prada. Excuse me, Praha.

That stinks, but the worst part is that Erat is exactly the kind of player the Capitals need. Like the History Channel on Halloween, he’s all about possession. When the Capitals aren’t playing well, they make a lot of “hopeful,” passes. As in, better “hope” somebody else makes a play, because that pass sucked. Lots of lazy lobs, lots of dump and chase, very few competent, tape-to-tape, click-clack passes. The zone is entered with the timid frustration of a geek in a talent show.

We never quite seem in control of the game. But Erat is very good with rationing the space he’s given by the defense, taking just what he needs to advance the play. He slows down the tempo and takes the time a hockey player needs to line up his targets, be they goals or teammates. I don’t know who will take his place, but it seems to me that if they already existed on this team, I wouldn’t feel so worried.

Brouw-beaten and Un-Laiched

Like Dumbo at an annual performance review, I’m going to address the underperforming elephant in the room. Brooks Laich and Troy Brouwer, our second-line combo, have scored a combined thirteen points this season.

Those thirteen points come over a combined forty-eight man-games, “man-games” being a statistic, and not a mumbled excuse. That works out to ONE of them, getting ONE point, every 3.69 games. That’s preposterous.

I know, we all love the Laich puns. We love the smile, and we love the personality. He’s every fan’s favorite player. He’s the Capitals’ Chris Cooley. But he’s playing like garbage right now, and so is Smellin’ of Troy. Brouwer, he of Stanley Cup pedigree and Loveable Grinder credentials, has just not been making the precise skill plays that Oates’ system requires.

It may be the case that what we’re seeing is the exposing of the dinosaurs in the Capitals locker room – the players that were well-adapted for old iterations of the Caps, but are obsolete in the Oatesazoan Era. And so you have to ask: who do I believe in more? Adam Oates, and his system, or the old-school grit of guys like Laich and Brouwer. And I hate to say it, but I pick Oates.

Now let’s turn to a special Thanksgiving edition of the segment that Iran refused to destroy its stockpiles of:

LIABLE TO LIBEL: A BAKER’S DOZEN LIES ABOUT THIS WEEK’S OPPONENTS

1. Senators winger Clarke MacArthur is thankful he doesn’t play in Boston, where his name would be something more like “CLAHK MACKAHTHAH,” or nails on a chalkboard.
2. Ottawa is thankful to the six or seven Americans aware it, and not Toronto or one of several especially nice Tim Hortons’, is the capital of Canada.
3. Bobby Ryan is thankful to get out of that freezing, desolate hell hole of Southern California to spend his winters in sunny Ottawa.
4. The Sens are thankful to the American Congress for making Ottawa home games the second-most unwatchable collection of senators on TV.
5. Montreal right-wing Rene Bourque is thankful that middle school is over and bullies have finally stopped saying he has a girl’s name.
6. Left winger Travis Moen is thankful he never got that tattoo of “The Faucet” above his butt crack.
7. The City of Montreal is thankful to mayor Rob Ford for making their secessionist anachronisms seem much less crazy.
8. Habs defenseman P.K. Subban is thankful his parents didn’t name him “pee-pee” Subban.
9. Right winger Brian Gionta is thankful there were no auditions calling for “average-looking white guys” when he was growing up, or he may never have found hockey.
10. New York Islanders goalie Evgeni Nabokov is thankful for his name that makes him sound like someone James Bond would drown in his own shark tank.
11. Right winger Michael Grabner is thankful for his name because it lets him make his favorite joke, “Grabner? I barely KNOW her!”
12. The Greater Long Island area is thankful for “The Great Gatsby,” because it reminds the world that being trashy is a tradition.
13. Mike Milbury is thankful for Alex Ovechkin, because making asinine comments about him is the only thing keeping his name in the news.

And on that note, we must part ways, Capitals fans. May all your yams be candied and all your ‘duckens be tur-ed. Have a Happy Thanksgiving, and as always: Goodnight, good luck, and Go Caps.

Last week saw the Capitals play three games against previously Western conference foes, two of whom have now come east to roost. Let’s take a swing through the Midwest and see whether the Caps played like homely milk maids or foxy farmers’ daughters.

QUICK TAKES: Last Week: 3-0-0

• Columbus Blue Jackets  Win 4-3 (OT) – Ovechkin had the dandy winner in overtime, and I spilled my scotch in the celebratory hoopla. If only some product existed to Guard against Scotch. Oh, well.
• Detroit Red Wings  Win 4-3 (SO) – All Nick Backstrom does is win scoreless overtime shootouts, an does so with moves filthier than a Beijing fog cloud. Michael began climbing the NHL Latta with his first career goal, and gave us the most shock-uberant celebration of the season.
• St. Louis Blues  Win 4-1 – Ovechkin potted two daffodils to take the league lead in goals, and Braden Holtby was stunning. I mean, he played well too, but his hair – flawless.

Taking six out of six points will work any week. Caught up, let’s take stock of where the Capitals are now.

Quarter Pole or Cole Porter: The Caps’ De-Lovely Season

Well, looky here! A quarter of the way through the season, the Washington Capitals find themselves one point shy of first place in the newly-minted Metropolitan division. And like another first-rate Metropolitan – the Parisian subway – this baby is underground. ESPN.com currently has the Caps a paltry tenth in their power rankings, despite being just three points out of first in the East. Is the East weak? Like a half-assed blockade of Berlin. But a tidy dismantling of the St. Louis Blues and the specter of Jaroslav “Sorry About Your Playoff Hopes” Halak does plenty to speak to the strength of this team.

Wednesday’s tilt against the barely-in-first-place Pittsburgh Penguins will be another useful measuring stick. The Pens are mustard-stained, Yuengling-soaked interlopers from the Land That Time Forgot, but they are a model franchise of perennial Cup contention.

Sidney Crosby is the most complete hockey player in the world, and their roster is deeper than Rob Ford’s navel. If the Capitals can claim first place in the division, and do so by knocking off the Penguins, it will give credence to the following statement: This is the most complete Capitals team I can remember, from the net to behind the bench, from the first line to the fourth.

Ovechkin the Obestkin

Alex Ovechkin, like the surface of the Sun or a not-to-code industrial foundry, is hot. Extending to last season, he has forty goals over his last forty-two games. On the powerplay he drums up goals from the circle like a motivational speaker at Burning Man, and he’s better off in the face-off than a chimp attack victim with a positive outlook.

Ovechkin is now tied for the league lead in goals with Alex Steen, St. Louis Blues forward and Clive Cussler character. What is striking is the variety of goals Ovechkin is scoring. Last season, most of them came via one-timers from the circle, on the powerplay. This year, Ovi has dangled, dinked, dunked, dipped, dived, deked and decked for his supper. Whether a curl-and-drag snap shot over the shoulder or a bunkerbusting slapper from just inside the zone, the Russian Machine, like a fine escort, is lubed up and rolling.

Just One Contract to Give: Backstrom or Ovechkin?

I wondered this to myself, and I think it bears asking, however rhetorically: If you were the GM of the Washington Capitals, and you only had one contract to give, would you give it to Backstrom or Ovechkin? “Blasphemy! Heresy! Lunacy!” cry the unwashed masses. “I’ve no interest in your ne’erdowell suppositions!” Yet despite these old-timey exclamations of incredulity, the question remains: who is more key to the Capitals’ continued success?

Alex Ovechkin is Alex Ovechkin, X equals X and water is wet. He is the three-time Most Valuable Player of the League, and the only player ever to win the award from two different positions. He will own every Capitals franchise record when it’s all said and done, and will likely go down as one of the game’s all-time greatest players.

But Nick Backstrom is the glue of this whole team. Take away all the assists (in which he has led the team in five of the last seven years), take away all the goals (which he seems to score effortlessly), take away anything easily measurable.

Backstrom is the fulcrum this offense pivots on. Whether establishing the attack in the offensive zone, making smart entries through the neutral zone, or playing good possession-to-breakout hockey in his own zone, Nick is the Capitals’ sanity in the midst of Beltway bedlam. Remember when people said Ovi was washed- up and over the hill? Guess whose injury and absence that coincided with: Backstrom. A cannon is a cannon, but if no one’s around to load it, it’s just a sideways trashcan.

Now let’s shift chronological gears and turn to the week ahead, and the segment that Richie Incognito once belittled within an inch of tears:

LIABLE TO LIBEL: A BAKER’S DOZEN LIES ABOUT THIS WEEK’S OPPONENTS

1. Penguins winger Jussi Jokinen always warms up in his favorite pair of sweatpants that say “Jussi” across the butt in glitter.

2. Marc-André Fleury has the best hyphen-to-soul-patch ratio in the league.

3. Gazing down upon the festering Gomorrah before them, the city’s founders stated the obvious and called it Pittsburgh.

4. Some say that if you enter Consol Energy Center after dark, you can still hear the ghost of Sidney Crosby moaning for a call.

5. Montreal center Danny Brière asked his new teammates to call him “Brie,” but it was too cheesy.

6. Nine different bridges enter and exit Montreal, because wouldn’t you want eight backup plans when it’s time to leave?

7. Like fellow Montreal product Cirque du Soleil, no one can follow Canadiens games, but still clap politely because it seems like everyone else is.

8. Goalie Peter Budaj is good player and a swell guj.

9. The Toronto Maple Leafs have sent several letters to the mayor’s office informing him that their logo is not, indeed, a pot leaf, and to please stop calling.

10. Rob Ford is now the biggest thug in Toronto, beating out previous title-holder Drake.

11. While some question the pluralization of the Maple Leafs name, no one mentions their minor league affiliates the Windsor Gooses or the Halifax Childs.

12. Phil Kessel is not actually fat, he just stores all his unrealized potential in his cheeks.

13. Winger Mason Raymond was named after his parents’ investment firm.

So there you have it, Caps fans. Plenty to be optimistic about, and some fun hockey to watch this week. Pound the Pens, halt the Habs, lick the Leafs – simple stuff. With that I bid you adieu, and as always: Goodnight, good luck, and Go Caps.

Editor’s note: Follow Jason on twitter @HeyJayJRogers

We fooled everyone in the office that Yom Kippur started on Thursday so we could play hooky on Friday to attend Day 2 (of 18) of Caps training camp. Hockey hooky!

Kettler was ice-cold, the crowd was light and the three groups of players, 70 69 in all (Brooks out with another lower body God-knows-what this time) worked hard all morning.

Group B doing sprints on the Arlington rink

A handful of scribes were on hand (we blended in well) and it was especially great to chat with CSN’s Joe B. He had some very novel ideas on how to improve the TV experience for the home viewer using unorthodox camera placements.

Katie Carrera, Mike Vogel, Adam Vingan and Joe Beninati with Eric Fehr

It was great having the run of those house to get some snapshots.

A pair of Johanssons

Ryan Stoa photobomb

Michael Latta, 1st rounder Andre Burakovsky and Ryan Stoa

Backstrom mid-stride: An angel takes flight.

Mike Green’s Thousand Yard Stare

Now, the entire city of Washington is balancing on that skate blade. Like the morning shift at a strip club, the Capitals’ season is up for grabs. It is a testament to how awful this team was at the start of the season that the playoffs are still not a sure thing despite this recent streak, but the way this lockout season will be remembered in Washington will be decided this week. Let’s get into it.

The Capitals play three games this week: against Toronto on Tuesday, at Ottawa on Thursday, and at Montreal on Saturday. Canada Week has begun in the nation’s capital like a syrup-soaked apology, and the Caps’ season is teetering on the precipice like a tipsy canuck sipping Molson. Yes, the Mighty Mighty Washington Capitals have won a league-best seven games in a row and are currently driving the Southeast division like the mad captain of a sinking ship.

We need to not kid ourselves, though; this baby is far from a sure thing. The Caps are only two points ahead of the eighth-place Rangers, and only four points ahead of fellow Southeast bottom-dweller Winnipeg. One loss, and we’ve slipped out of the top eight. Two losses, and it’s a long, lonely summer for the Capitals. That’s how close this thing is, so let’s not get too comfortable.

I’m going to propose two alternate realities to you: one optimistic, one pessimistic. Let’s examine how the next few months might play out if the Caps manage to cry havoc and let slip the dog sleds of war, tearing through Canada like the Keystone pipeline, and how things might go if the wheels fall off this Miata before we reach May.

Scenario 1: The Capitals Lose

A good groin is hard to come by in this town, and it comes back to bite the Caps. Brooks Laich never makes it back into the lineup, and his grit and good decision-making are sorely missed. Erat needs more than six games to learn a system it took the entire team several months to figure out, and he isn’t able to produce enough to fill the void. As a result, tough customers Matt Hendricks and Jason Chimera are brought back up to the top line to inject some sort of testosterone-driven urgency into the team, but everyone forgets that they can’t score.

Meanwhile the defense, like a non-profit pimp, gives away too many scoring chances. John Carlson is hearing the calls from Hollywood for his services as a carpet cleaning spokesman, and that extra time on set is less time on the ice. Ol’ Spike Strip reverts to his early season habit of blowing tires on the back check, and Jack Hillen, like Obi Wan wailing that Anakin was supposed to be the chosen one, is unable to save him. The Capitals implode like a neutron star, and there are no playoffs this year for DC.

It’s a long off-season in Washington. The old echoes of “no top-six talent” come floating back like the damned wails of the ghost of Jacob Marley. This time, George McPhee can’t claim he’s backloading for the future; Filip Forsberg has by now been elected mayor of Nashville and has cut a platinum album with Carrie Underwood. 

GMGM, breaking out in a cold sweat, runs to his red emergency phone and dials the Too-Good-For-Their-Age-Defensemen Hotline in Hershey, but there is no answer. Hershey has no more young studs to send to Washington to shore up our defenses; the well has finally run dry.  McPhee collapses on the floor of his office, and is shaken awake by an aid. “It’s Kuznetsov,” the aid whispers. “He says he’s not coming anymore.”

Meanwhile, Ovi and Maria spend the offseason on a goodwill tour, visiting theme parks and defeating all comers in any conceivable athletic endeavor. Alex Semin pens his tell-all memoir, and Ted Leonsis declares that the Wizards are now his top priority.

There is no joy in Mudville in this scenario. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

Scenario 2: The Capitals Win

The Caps make poutine out of Toronto and Ottawa, and Montreal cries “merde!” as Ovechkin rolls over them without a thought like so much English grammar. Meanwhile, our centers keep making plays. Mike Ribeiro only knows how to move two things: pucks, and attitude, and he moves plenty of both. He and Backstrom make more assists than the staff of a retirement community, and the offense keeps clicking like Jaromir Jagr’s hip. The power play continues to utterly overpower opponents, and Adam Oates writes a hit song called “I Told Y’all So.”

On the other side of the puck, Alzner keeps squeezing dudes against the boards like a cruise ship activity director and Mike Green finally realizes, “Wait, I’m on defense?” Holtby and Neuvirth are called on to make fewer saves than a Las Vegas priest, and trash is cleared from in front of the net faster than you can say “Orlov.” With the ability to move the puck quickly out of their own zone, and deftly around once in the attacking zone, the ice begins to tilt for the Capitals and good times are here.

Oh, and Ovi wins the Hart.

With an offensive savant behind the bench and a newly dedicated cast of players executing properly, this Capitals juggernaut could really make a run into the playoffs. The Capitals were a team sans identity last year, and they were still able to knock off the defending champs. As we saw with the Kings last year, it’s all about getting hot at the right time. The Capitals were slower to get up to speed this year than an Eli Whitney cotton gin, but with all the pieces in place and players coming back from injuries, the Caps are rolling downhill and have won 11 of their last 13 games.

When they get into the playoffs, they will face a field of five mediocre eastern conference teams, and three bona fide contenders (Pittsburgh, Boston and Montreal). For the Penguins, Crosby and Malkin are hurt, and as deep as that team is, the Pens need those guys. The Caps have beaten both Boston and Montreal this year, the latter in Montreal. There is not a team in the league that wants to play the Washington Capitals in the first round, and that is a new development.

So What Should I Look For This Week?

Watch the urgency with which the team is playing. When the Caps nearly collapsed in the third period in what should have been a blow out against Tampa Bay, it was because they reverted to their worst habit: the patented “lazy pass to no one.” Hockey is tiring. I play the sport, I get it. But most of the Capitals’ woes come from an unwillingness to skate hard to make the play that is available. It is easier to make an outlet pass to someone else and hope they do the work. But you will not ever win hockey games that way, period. As I’ve said, hockey is a game of a million consequent nows. If you see the Caps busting their asses to win little battles that you aren’t even sure are important, be glad and take courage. If you see them limping their way through the neutral zone and turning over a lot of passes, be worried.

A week from now, we’ll have a very good idea whether or not the Capitals are going to make the playoffs, and how deep they have a shot to go if they do. I don’t know about you, but if I have to watch baseball for the next two months, I’m going to scream. For that reason alone, I say, Go Caps.

The Washington Capitals are having the red-headed step-child of hockey seasons and we’re only halfway through. Of the 30 teams in the NHL, the lockout was perhaps most detrimental to the Capitals, and it is most apparent that this is not Adam Oates’ team, or rather, not the team he would like to have.

Oates is making lemonade with the lemons GMGM and fate dealt him. Sometimes, it’s damn good lemonade, sweet and icy-cold refreshment. But mostly, it’s been terrible lemonade, rather bitter. Jay Beagle couldn’t sell that stuff even if he set up a stand outside of Kettler with Troy Brouwer’s beagles. It’s that bad. There have been a few stars spattered amidst the black sky that has shrouded the first half of the lockout-tainted season, and generous eruptions of rainstorms in equal measure.

Alex Ovechkin notched his first hat trick in two years against the Devils on February 23, marking what appeared to be a rebirth of his offensive prowess. Don’t tell Milbury. I’m not even sure he knows that it happened. Ovechkin also appears to have adjusted to playing on the right wing, and hadn’t run into his any of his teammates until at least Sunday, when the New York Rangers visited Verizon Center. He drifted left and knocked over Matt Hendricks, First Line Left Winger.

Oh, then he missed a check in the neutral zone and Holtby allowed a bad goal but it was still somehow Ovechkin’s fault. Or at least that’s what NBC told me for the next two hours. I don’t know what to believe anymore. I mean, he should have gone for the contact, but it didn’t have an effect on whether the goal was scored.

Mike Ribeiro has been fantastic when he’s not yapping at referees and taking double minors for sassiness. At 28 points, he is the Capitals leading scorer. He is a wily, squirrely puck possession master and his playmaking abilities as well as his chemistry with Ovechkin have proved to be prolific for the Capitals. Granted, that hasn’t translated into as much success, obviously, as we’d like to see, but that is in part due to not having a true first-line left wing.

All-around good guy Eric Fehr is exceeding expectations and has more than earned his 1-year, $600k contract. Any overtime game winner against those horrible, punky Boston Bruins is priceless. Someone give this guy a raise. Or a new shoulder. He deserves both.

Braden Holtby has often been the glue holding the team together during games when the defense has been less than stellar, which, let’s face it, has been pretty terrible a lot of times. (Miss you, Mike Green). It’s clear he wants to be #1 and it’s clear the organization wants him to be #1. Despite a few ugly starts, and getting pulled twice, he’s been brilliant overall.

Adam Oates, though coaching an oddly assembled team, has implemented his mysterious system, and it appears everyone has bought into what he’s been peddling. Let’s face it, these guys would be nowhere without this veritable hockey Einstein on their bench. Imagine what Oates could do with legitimate first and second lines. With the ample third and fourth line players, he could roll four distinct lines every night, instead of having to play musical skates or draw straws to see who’s going to end up on Ovechkin’s line.

Trade deadline time, April 3, is approaching, and George McPhee will probably not do a thing. Or he might. He’s a shifty guy. You never know what he’s going to do next.
I’d look for Ribeiro to be re-signed for at least a two-year extension – thanks to Ryan Getzlaf’s spanking-new 8-year, $66mil contract, the price of UFA centers went up a little bit. It all depends on the money. It could also go the way of a trade. Ribeiro’s value is high at the moment, and the Capitals could get a good return on that value. However, Ribeiro has said he likes DC and wants to keep his family here, so he may spring for an extension, even if it’s not a generous pay raise. He’s making $5 million on his current one-year deal, so a 2 or 3-year, $5.5 or $5.75mil per year deal would be reasonable.

It is undeniable that the Capitals need a top-line caliber left wing. There is a noticeable drop-off talent-wise once you get past Ovechkin, Ribeiro and Backstrom. There’s no one else to score goals. That is a huge need if the Capitals are going to get close to playoff contention, but will likely be expensive. It is possible McPhee was laying the groundwork for some type of movement by clearing defenseman Roman Hamrlik’s salary off the books, giving them a little extra wiggle room, but that remains to be seen. GMGM is notorious for staying quiet on trade deadline day, quieter than even the most tight-lipped GM.

I have the space to talk about all the bad things that have happened so far, but I won’t dwell there. We’ve seen all of it far too frequently, and while there’s no need to gloss over the Capitals failures, there is also no need to linger. Just as the team has a short time after each to review what went wrong, learn, and move on before the next one, so should we. Pace yourselves. One game at a time. The Islanders and Rangers games weren’t great. Actually, worse than weren’t great. Just as the Capitals had a change to gain some ground in the flaming dumpster fire that is the Southeast Division, they set themselves back. Again.

Weird season or not, the playoffs are slowly slipping out of reach for the Capitals. While 21 points in the Southeast is good enough for third and is one point ahead of the abysmal Panthers, it’s not going to get you anywhere near playoff contention. The Winnipeg Jets have a better shot at the moment, being second in the Southeast with 26 points.

And chew on this for a while – the Montreal Canadiens are first in the Eastern Conference with 38 points. Ugh, since when were they good? Even Toronto has 31 points. I’ll stop there before your head explodes. The NHL is clearly an alternate universe in which teams who were formerly laughable are now doing well. That doesn’t explain Pittsburgh being good, but whatever. 

Also, Alex Semin, I mean, the Carolina Hurricanes are in first in the Southeast with 29 points. They boast the hottest line combination in the NHL at the moment. No, really, they’re figuratively on fire. Semin-E.Staal-Tlusty, coming Tuesday to a Verizon Center near you.

The last time the Hurricanes dropped in, Semin was booed heartily each time he even got a whiff of the puck. The Capitals won 3-0, but the Canes shouldn’t be taken lightly, regardless. They’re 6-4-0 in their last 10 contests, and 14-9-1 overall. Semin-E. Staal-Tlusty have 32 goals between them thus far. That’s kinda good.  Just wait until Semin scores his first goal against his former team. Everyone will definitely hate him. Or the Capitals will try to re-sign him. Jeff Schultz for Alex Semin? Seems fair.

Okay, go ahead and please spit out whatever you were chewing on. It’s probably poutine. Toxic. Apologies.

So how was your lockout? Was it full of impotent recliner-ridden rage at the little men on the TV? Did you swear, absolutely SWEAR, that this was the last time the NHL had abused you, and that you were done telling friends your team eye black was from “walking into a door?” Did it feel like capitalism had finally gorged on its own fat and that communist China was looking pretty good right about then? Well I spent my lockout in communist China, and the view was much worse.

I’ve played the young American writer in Paris, studying at La Sorbonne. I’ve done the Great American road trip, having piled into my car with my two best friends and driven 9000 miles across this great nation one summer.

But this Fall I found myself doing marketing for an American study abroad company in China, and I had no hockey to keep me company. No period-by-period updates to drown out the propaganda loudspeakers. No trade rumors to distract me from the whippings at the re-education camp. Every morning I would wake up and have nothing to watch but Donald Fehr’s jowls flapping in the wind.

But hockey is back, and all is well! Right, Caps fans? Right?! Sure, falling to the Leafs last week earned us the absolutely worst record in the NHL, but that’s just par for the course for DC sports. We’re not yet ten games into the season, so every team in the league is still shaking off some rust. But here’s what we’ve learned from the last few games:

• The Fastest Way to a Man’s Heart is Through Another Man’s Groin: Tom Poti’s Solid Play

Old Iron Groins is back on the ice, and frankly he’s looked sharp. After missing nearly two years due to a string of groin injuries, Tom has been making smart plays in the corners and skating hard. Good to have you back, buddy. Anything that keeps Jeff Schultz’s goofy ass off the ice.

• Flow is a Fickle Mistress: John Carlson’s Bad Play and Mike Green’s Worth

I’ll be honest: I’ve said for two years we should’ve traded Mike Green. Especially that first down season after our high-flying “Young Guns” years, when Mikey wasn’t quite himself and he was letting one too many pucks skip by him and out of the zone. We should’ve traded him then, when other teams were still in the dark about him and would’ve swapped us their firstborn.

Now, inexplicably, we’ve signed Lieutenant Liability to a huge new contract and the rest of the league is laughing. His once-potent offense no longer excuses his flat-footed defense. And what’s worse, he’s brought down my Jersey-sake John Carlson, the greatest actor on earth, who’s known for being a good, technical defense man. The best praise you can give a D-man is this: I felt most confident when John Carlson and Karl Alzner were on the ice.

Now, sporting long hair and looking like a goddamned hippie, Carlson has been personally responsible for at least a plurality of breakaway goals. I used to be proud of the unsung hero on the back of my jersey. Now I’m starting to get embarrassed.

• Ovi and Out: Ovechkin’s Move to the Right Wing and the Death of the Curl-and-Drag Move

A lot’s been made of Ovi’s move to the right wing and its effect on his production. So far, it seems to have forced him out of that awful curl-and-drag move from the point that everyone on earth saw coming.

As for the positional differences? He is an exceptional enough athlete that it cannot be an excuse for him. Ovechkin can skate circles around world-class athletes by virtue of his natural talent. Does he work hard, too? I wish I could confidently say yes. If he wants to not be written off as a fat schlub, he needs to put in the work to learn that new position.

So, we got shellacked by Pittsburgh, despite Vokoun Fleurying all over himself and misplaying the puck. Tuesday is another day, and Toronto is coming to town. I’ll be at Verizon watching the game, and here’s what I’ll be keeping an eye on.

The End of the Semin Syndrome?

What is the one knock against the Capitals that stings the most? That almost always, it looks like the other team wants it more. As any hockey player will tell you, that one cuts deep. Symptoms of this bitchassness include: giving up leads in the third period, check; not wanting to skate to make the play there to be made, check; and Matthieu Perreault crying, “Utilise-moi, Adam. J’suis le tien.” (Side note: I can also speak Mandarin, so if Jeremy Lin wants to re-up with the Islanders, I can work that, too.)

Some of this can be attributed to players not being in the best conditioning due to the long off-season. That’s a real excuse. But every team in the league is functioning with this same variable. So you have to be the first to shake off the cobwebs. Extra hours on the ice or in the gym. You’re getting paid millions of dollars a year, at my age, to play a game I pay a hundred and fifty bucks a season to play in the spare hours I have to myself after I work my thirty-grand-a-year job. So f-ing skate, K?

To Holt-by or Not to Holt-by

Holtby looks like Jesus. He needs to play like it. Adam Oates looks like the Grinch. He might need to coach like it.

We all fell in love with Braden last playoffs when he stared down that little Twerp Peverley like a consummate boss and stood on his head for so long he got CTE. But the NBC crew calling the Pens game said it honestly: “That’s not NHL-caliber goaltending.” There it is. And it’s sad, but it’s the way things are.

Neuvy was right during Translate-Gate when he said he was the better goalie. We have a list of old boyfriends like an experimental trip through Europe: Braden, Semyon, Jose, Cristobal. And what we need to learn from it is that it’s easy to flash in the pan. If Neuvy can prove himself, we need to put a ring on it, to the tune of several million dollars a year.

Feel free to check Jason into the boards, but keep it clean or it’s a 2-minute minor for you. Plus, you don’t want to anger a Sperm Whale.

I cannot help it. From the second I heard of him playing in the QMJHL back in 2003 I was hooked. If I actually met him in person I would most likely pass out (I once got close though, seeing him get on the “away-team bus” after they played the New York Rangers about 20 feet from where I was standing … wooh, heart was pounding). And so of course, with my fandom of Crosby came the haters attacking me during the 2005-2006 NHL season and beyond who insisted Crosby was a joke and Alexander Ovechkin was the “real deal.” So the second reason is that I have had this comparison on my mind for a while and have long been a participant of this debate. (Also, I got Adam’s permission to write it and assuming you are reading it now, Doug and Craig did not mind either).

Now let us get something out-of-the-way before I continue. If you are one of those haters who simply says “Crosby sucks” or “Crosby is a crybaby” only because your team cannot handle his talent (ehem … Flyers and Capitals fans) you probably do not need to keep reading. I am sure anything you read that I write that is positive about Crosby you will probably just ignore, deny, etc. 

Frankly, I do not understand why fans on opposing teams say things like that. If Crosby had zero professional accomplishments, okay. But Crosby has won every hockey award (except the Calder Memorial Award). He not only won an Olympic gold medal on 2010 but scored the game winning goal to get team Canada the medal. You want to boo him because you want your team to win, I get that. You want to cheer when he loses the puck, misses a shot, or gets checked by one of the players from your team, I get that. But to say that he sucks, I got the evidence to disagree. There I go. I already anticipated Crosby hatin’ and went off on a tangent. Ok, I am focused again.

So I know some people might be asking, why are you writing this article now? 12:30pm on Super Bowl Sunday is puck drop for the first meeting between the Pens and Caps. To many, that’s the real show of the day. Through the first eight games of the season, we have a decent glimpse of these two players: Crosby is 4-6-10, coming off a great game on Saturday against the Devils, while Ovi is struggling a bit, 2-1-3. Beyond these early season numbers, I’ll take a few steps back and offer a more comprehensive look at both captains.

Ovechkin has not put up the numbers as he used to in the last few seasons and Crosby has accomplished so much, how is it even a question? Well, I think it still maters. People still like to compare the two players and it is also still one of the most hyped rivalries going on in the NHL. I still think a Capitals vs. Penguins Eastern Conference final would be the NHL’s wet-dream series. It is also now with all the games that have come to pass that we can look back and have real information to use in the debate (as opposed to just saying “Crosby is better!” “No, Ovechkin is better!” “Nu uh!” …). So let us get into it.

I am going to compare and contrast the 2 players in several categories and argue which one I think is better (spoiler alert: I am going to say Crosby). To be honest, I think both of them are incredible hockey players. But I sincerely think one is a better player than the other. And I will provide my evidence and opinions to support why I believe so.

Goal Scoring:

Yes, Ovi has won the Rocket Richard Trophy (for most goals) twice and Crosby has only won it once (and had to share it with Steven Stamkos). And yes, Ovi scored 65 goals in the 2007-2008 season, which no one had been able to do for almost two decades (and no one else has since at this point). However, this is a comparison of the two players overall, not just a season to season contrast. Looking at the players over the past 8 years Ovechkin seems to have peaked already whereas Crosby is still growing. Ovechkin had 65 goals in the 2007-2008 season and 56 goals in the 2008-2009 season. Since then his numbers have dropped. Crosby on the other hand has been increasing his goal numbers. In the 2007-2008 season he scored just 24 goals. The next season he scored 33 goals.

The next season, 51 goals. In the 2010-2011 season he scored 32 goals before he was sidelined by his concussion. Most said he was actually on pace to score at least 66 goals that season. That is the reason why I think Crosby is the better goal scorer. It almost seems like the NHL figured out how Ovi scores and has come up with an answer to it. But Ovi has not figured out how to adjust his game to get back to those high numbers. Meanwhile, Crosby has increased his scoring numbers and abilities. He will shoot from anywhere, the side, in front of the net, from the blue line, etc. Ovechkin has that powerful one timer he likes to shoot from the slot. Crosby shoots wrist shots, back-hands, and will even try a slap shot from time to time (though he is not very good at it [yet]). When Crosby sees something is not working, he adjusts his game to fix it.

Leadership:

Both players are the current Captains of their respective teams. Therefore both of them are looked at as their team’s leader. Crosby was named captain of the Penguins at the beginning of the 2007-2008 season. The organization wanted to do it earlier but Crosby said he did not feel it was the right time yet (even further evidence of his leadership skills). Early in his career he was already showing his leadership capabilities to the team and the “higher ups” of the Penguins’ organization.  He made his voice heard in the locker room and on the bench. He was able to push and motivate the other players on the team, both young and old. When he was injured during Game 7 of the 2009 Stanley Cup finals he came back to the bench even though he would not skate the rest of the game to show support for his teammates. You do not really see this sort of role when it comes to Ovechkin.

Ovi was named team captain in 2009 and unlike Crosby, where he was given a title to a character he was already playing, my impression is that Ovi now had to adjust to that being that character. I do not really see Ovechkin as the type of leader that gets his teammates motivated and going. Sure he is trying to be that person and lead by example. In the game in 2010 vs. the NY Rangers when the Capitals were performing very poorly, he got into his first NHL fight to try to motivate the rest of the team. (It did not work, they lost 7-0). You see Crosby constantly on the bench talking to other players, critiquing the last play, making a suggestion what to do the next time in that situation, etc. You do not see that as much with Ovechkin. He screams and cheers a lot when the team is doing well. But when they are not, he seems to tend to just shut down (as we saw in the HBO 24/7 documentary).

Face of the NHL:

From the moment Crosby was going to play in the NHL he was seen as not only being the face of the Pittsburgh Penguins but of the entire League. The NHL wanted to put on a new face after the 2004-2005 lockout. They wanted to personify a young and fresh look that would showcase talent and flashy goal scoring. Crosby was going to be that face. But after a few seasons people began to tout Ovechkin as being that face and a better choice than Crosby. Ovi was scoring often and glitzy goals. He had the rock-star personality; driving fast and expensive cars, going to clubs, etc. But in my opinion, that is exactly why he is not the face of the NHL.

The rock-star personality is not what should represent a professional sports league. You do not want the unpredictable, showy, large ego person. You want someone who embodies professionalism, humility, and simplicity. That is what Crosby does for the NHL. He does not put himself above his teammates. He always makes himself available to the press and is non-confrontational. He tries to stay away from controversy and help those less fortunate. That is why Crosby is the better face of the NHL.

Okay, that is my argument. That is (mostly) why I think Crosby is the better player than Ovechkin. And if all of that did not convince you, how about Crosby’s GQ pictures?

1. Play Nude Kesler Dress-Up

While I would never advocate putting clothes on a fine-looking nude athlete, just think how adorable Ryan would look in a Western or 70’s Disco ensemble. The Nude Kesler Dress-Up kit would be like that magnetized version of Michelangelo’s David with cute little outfits that you put on your refrigerator. I think the Canucks should seriously consider doing the same with Nude Kesler. I’d buy 10 of them. Although he’d mostly remain nude on my fridge. Schwing!

2. Pin The Tail on The Bettman

This is an updated version of the party game popular with kids called “Pin The Tail On The Donkey.” Blindfolded NHL players would be made dizzy with offers and counter-offers from NHL owners, and then try to pin the collective bargaining tail on Gary Bettman’s ass. Oh what jollity would ensue! This would be followed up with NHL players attempting to split open a Bettman piñata by beating it with hockey sticks, releasing 7.5 million dollars worth of candy! Hours and hours of fun!

3. Dinner at Chick-fil-A With Tim Thomas

Now that Tim Thomas has decided to take a year off from being a goalie with the Boston Bruins in order to avoid having to meet with black Presidents, he’s got lots of time to spend over long, lavish meals with his gays. No, not at that liberal, socialist, latte-serving eatery called McDonald’s with their snooty French fries. Tim only eats at conservative, manly, peach milkshake-serving Chick-fil-A. I can’t wait to gaze lovingly into Tim’s eyes while eating god-fearing chicken sandwiches and all-American waffle fries while planning our gay wedding. I think we’d look fabulous in matching tinfoil tophats as we walk down the aisle together.

4. Bear Hunting with David Booth

I heard David Booth has a thing for bears, and that he likes to spend long weekends wandering around in the woods harpooning them with his long, pointy stick. What fun! But I think I’ll take David to The Pumpjack here in Vancouver instead, where you can lure leather-clad bears into your lair with delicious pints of beer instead of stinky, rotting beaver offal. Ewww!

5. Clothes Shopping with Don Cherry

Now, I don’t mind a flashy dresser, but, Don Cherry really takes it to a whole new level of terrifying, wardrobe-malfunctioning madness. That straight guy is in desperate need of a queer eye. So, I plan to take him on a whirlwind shopping trip to International Male for a more tasteful wardrobe of leopard-print bikini briefs and full-body thongs. I may even throw in a pair of luxurious lambs-wool leg-warmers for that retro Flashdance look. Snazzy!

6. Teach Cory Schneider New Impressions

Canucks goaltender Cory Schneider has impressed us with his uncanny impressions of Alex Burrows, Jannik Hansen and Alain Vigneault. But I don’t think he should limit himself to fellow teammates of the male persuasion, especially if he want’s a backup career in case this goalie thing doesn’t work out. So, I’ve got an entire weekend workshop planned to teach Cory how to impersonate a few famous female stars, such a Cher, Liza and Bette Davis. Maybe we’ll even do a few scenes from All About Eve with Cory as the young apprentice and Luongo as the aging star. Fasten your pushup bra, Cory, it’s going to be a campy ride!

7. Gatorade-Chugging Contest with Dustin Brown

I know that LA Kings captain Dustin Brown has been busy eating fro-yo out of the Stanley Cup all summer long, but, I’m sure the brain-freeze has made him forget that he’s directionally-challenged when it comes to drinking from a Gatorade squeezy bottle. Wouldn’t it be a hoot to challenge Dustin to a Gatorade-chugging contest? I’m sure I could win enough money to buy Dale Weise a box of Gatorade bottles with securely-fastened caps.

8. Diving Lessons with Brad Marchand

I know lots of hockey fans accuse certain members of the Canucks team of being excellent divers, but, having watched countless hours of diving during the London Olympics this summer, I’m confident that the gold medal in Hockey Diving would go to Brad Marchand of the Boston Bruins. He exhibited exquisite form and technique during the 2011 Stanley Cup Playoffs against the Washington Capitals. So, who better to take diving lessons from than sweet, little Brad! He might even be able to teach British diving vixen Tom Daley a thing or two so he can turn that bronze into gold in 2016. Win/Win!

9. Pee Wee Glow-Bowling with Jonathan Toews

Blackhawks captain Jonathan Toews takes his pee wee bowling seriously. It’s not easy knocking down those tiny little hockey pins when there are at least a dozen of them wobbling around on the ice in all directions. But I think I might have a better chance at beating him at Pee Wee Glow-Bowling. That’s when the bowling rink is turned into a gay disco and all the little pee wee pins are clad in fluorescent ensembles chosen by Don Cherry! Then it’s much easier to see them and flatten them before they can scurry away. Strrrrrrike!

10. Make a Music Video with Alex Ovechkin

When I think of Hip-Hop, I immediately think of Washington Capitals captain Alex Ovechkin. Who better to make a “Rockout To The Lockout” music video than a gap-toothed Russian hockey player who can’t dance his way out of a Mr. Big Deal candy wrapper. But his bounce-and-shuffle dance moves with stiff horizontal jazz-hands could use some work. So I’m hiring the two Pussy Riot girls that escaped from Russia to help with choreography. I just hope our video isn’t banned for 100 years by that grouch, Vladimir Putin. He needs to lighten the fuck up. But I’m sure I can coax an award-winning performance out of Alex. Move over Vanilla Ice!

Do you have any special plans should there be an NHL lockout? Be sure to send me a postcard! XO