Now, when we last met, the Caps had a four-game week ahead of them, with divisional standings at stake. Let’s take a look at the Quick Takes from the past week.

QUICK TAKES: Last Week: 2-1-1

NY Islanders – Win 6-2: Good old-fashioned fire wagon Caps hockey. Ovechkin had two goals and Tom Wilson got his first goal, plus that magnificent Butt Assist ™. And as Twitter follower @EvBenjamin put it, “Butt assists are always the most appreciated.”

Minnesota Wild –  Win 3-2 (SO): I don’t hardly remember this game. I do remember Backstrom had a wicked shootout winner because he’s America’s Swedeheart.

Phoenix  Coyotes –  Loss 4-3 (SO): That comeback! Up 3-1 with scant minutes remaining, I left the room to fix myself a Red Stag and Dr. Pepper (I call it “Dr. Pepper and Mr. Stag”), only to return several dozen seconds later and find our lead squandered, like so many unused Ribiero puns. You hate to lose a point this way.

Colorado Avalanche – Loss 4-1 : This one was just ugly start to finish. The Avs are now 14-2 on the year, so there’s no shame in losing to a really good team, but you won’t win many giving up four goals.

Caught up now, let’s turn to the week ahead and take a look at what to keep an eye on:

You Just Had to Feel Special: PPs and PKs

Currently, the Capitals have the top-ranked power play and the second-ranked penalty kill in the league. Like a good menage-a-trois, we’re great with one man extra or less, but can’t figure things out at even strength. The three-headed powerplay monster of Backstom-Green-Ovechkin is terrorizing the countryside like a Hydra in heat, and the penalty kill is shutting down interlopers faster than a chastity  belt.

Our defensive problem at even strength comes down to this: we don’t keep our house tidy. That is, we allow way too much junk to accumulate on our doorstep, and lots of junk goals get stuffed in. On the penalty kill that’s less of an issue, because all you have to do is see puck, clear puck. At even strength, a loose puck on the doorstep has to either be firmly knocked away (but not too far!), moved to a teammate, or skated away. With icing in effect and a breakout possible, indecision can handcuff defensemen long enough to let a forward stuff in a sneaky one. Look for quick, crisp moves to clear the puck away from the net.

YOU Get a Contract! And YOU Get a Contract! Everybody Who Plays Well Gets a Contract!

Don’t you love it when a good thing lasts? Well unlike pumpkin spice lattes, the McRib, and weather-too-cold-for-freaking-bugs, the Caps’ top producers will be around for a while. With the exception of Mikhail Grabovksi, whom the Caps picked up in the offseason for a song and a heartfelt compliment, all of the top six point producers are signed through the end of next season, at least.

MoJo and Joel Ward are here through the ’15 campaign, Jason Chimera just got payyedd and is here through ’16, and Alex Ovechkin and Nicklas Backstrom will be Capitals until the Sun’s core runs out of hydrogen to fuse into helium and it collapses under the unfathomable weight of its own gravity, blowing off heavy metal elements and dimming to a faint glimmer as a white dwarf (through the end of the 2021 season).

So get comfortable, because this core, unlike the Sun’s, could be around for a while.

18 and Over Only: The Magic Number

Look, our defense at even strength isn’t any good. So like a rich guy with a little “ego” or a dumb bro with a big truck, what do you do? Compensate! That’s right, I’m talking Boudrea-era Caps hockey: offensive-centic and smeared with mayo. The Caps have scored five, six, or seven goals in half of their wins this year, continuing the legacy of  “Score So Many They Can’t Beat You” hockey that has worked for literally no team ever.

What is interesting, however, is the distribution of that scoring. The Capitals have five players on pace to score eighteen goals or more this season (Ovechkin, Backstrom, Grabovski, Ward, Chimera). Most teams that enjoy post-season success have a similar distribution of their goals: roughly five players  at or over eighteen goals, with a superstar leading the charge.

Looking back at the last four Cup winners of full-length seasons, we see the same pattern. The 2012 Kings had four players with 18+, led by Anze Kopitar. The 2011 Bruins had five, led by Goon Squad president Milan Lucic. The 2010 Blackhawks had seven, led by Patrick Kane, and the 2009 Penguins had four, led by Evgeni “Dude Where’s My Browline” Malkin. This five-spoked offensive is a winning formula, but we’ll see if the Caps can sustain it for more than a quarter of the season.

And with that, let’s now go ahead and turn to a segment that Toronto mayor Rob Ford called, “that good shit:”

LIABLE TO LIBEL: A BAKER’S DOZEN LIES ABOUT THIS WEEK’S OPPONENTS

1. After working all night and pooling their collective corn-fed intellects, the fine folk of central Ohio came up with the following cheeky nickname for Bobrovsky, their goalie: Bob the Goalie.

2. No, Blue Jackets defenseman Jack Johnson will not sing you “Sitting, Waiting, Wishing.”

3. Winger Marian Gaborik thought that “being traded to the Blue Jackets” meant the Rangers were wearing their third jerseys that night. He was horribly, horribly wrong.

4. The Blue Jackets have the third highest sporting attendence in the Columbus metropolitan area, just behind the weekly Wart-Out ™ No Bull Tractor Pull, and seven homeless guys playing hackey-sack behind a Big Lots.

5. Detroit leads the nation per capita in lying about being from Detroit.

6. Pavel Datsyuk and Henrik Zetterberg think they’re the cuter Russian-Swede superstar pairing but they totally have no idea and like seriously anyone in the entire school would agree.

7. Todd Bertuzzi absolutely did not cripple a defenseless fellow player with a sucker punch to the head in 2004 and is an all-around swell guy and pillar of the community.

8.  Daniel Alfredsson, unlike the City of Detroit, can still get credit for his goals.

9. Goalie Jimmy Howard was named to the Detroit City Council in July, in that hopes that, “at least someone can save something around here.”

10. The St. Louis Blues have reached the high plateau of being the best professional hockey team in Missouri.

11. Blues center Derek Roy and Avalanche coach Patrick Roy are both active in internet forums debating the proper pronunciation of their last names.

12. Contrary to popular belief, the St. Louis Blues are not named after the city’s rich music history, but rather the feeling people get when they come to St. Louis.

13. Winger Magnus Pääjärvi is half man, half umlaut.

Well, that about wraps it up from here. May all your calls to Toronto go your way and all your zone clearances deflect off the glass first. And as always, goodnight, good luck, and Go Caps.

Patient: Where…where am I?

Doctor: Easy now, baby steps. You were in an accident, but you’re OK.

Patient: ….Vespa?

Doctor: Vespa.

Patient: Damn. How long have I been out?

Doctor: November 5th, so…five weeks.

Patient: I missed puck drop! I missed the first homestand! I missed Grabo!

Doctor: Sir, calm down! What are you – Grabo?

Heart Rate Monitor: Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep

Patient: How the hell are the Caps doing?

And that’s exactly what we’d all like to know. A .500 team is a tough team to get a bead on. Neither “good” nor “bad,” “winning” nor “losing” fit right, and lazy labels are harder to place. So what if I were that coma patient? What if all I knew of this year’s model of the Caps was last Saturday’s 3-2 shootout victory over Florida? What wonderful extrapolations could I extrapolate?

Back-strom’s Back, Alright!

Nick “Quick Stick” Backstrom has been a top-shelf center since before shelves got so darn high, when you had to walk uphill in the snow both ways just to put something on them, and were happy to do so. His 16 points through 14 games put him on a pace that would end up just shy of triple digits, but that isn’t what’s surprising. It’s how quickly the magic is happening this year, and in what ratios.

Backstrom, like that cute boy in the eyeliner, has been hurt. Between a recent concussion and an ever-vague “upper body injury,” the Caps have struggled to keep the jaybird Backstrom dressed.

With no lockout rust, or injury rust, or new coach rust to shake off this year, America’s Swedeheart is cruising like a well-lubed Volvo. Nicky also has 5 goals already, 3 shy of his entire total last season, and on pace for his most since his only other 100-point season. Goals account for thirty-one percent of Backstrom’s points this year, the largest chunk since they made up thirty-two percent in – you guessed it – his last 100-point season.

This Is Bullschmidt, Do You Hear Me? Motherschultzing Bullschmidt!

As per my coma – and boy do I wish I had a nickel – I have no idea who this Nate Schmidt fella is. Seems like a nice guy. Probably loves his mama, loves horses, and his boyfriend, too. But watching him quiver nervously in the general direction of the puck carrier and call it defense gave me PTSD-esque flashbacks to Jeff Schultz, Mr. Dumb Double Nickel himself, the Original Shy Brontosaurus.

Schmidt was much more decisive with the puck than Schultz ever was – making quick, sharp breakout passes to turn things the other way – but I didn’t see him lay a body on someone all night. And I don’t just mean a devastating impact; I’d even settle for a tender caress. But all I saw Schmidt do as he happily allowed Florida to run its cycle was wave impotently with his stick as though bidding the puck safe travels, and maybe pee himself a little bit.

Schultz’s problem was that he had Reverse Chihuahua Syndrome – he was a great big dog that played like a tiny little mouse. An NHL defense, like a defensive line in football, is only effective when it creates pressure. If a puck carrier comes into your zone, he better feel as though he has three, four seconds tops to move the puck or else he’s getting freight trained. Put the fear of God into him, or else he has time to think of ways to beat you. Schmidt needs to get mean, and I don’t mean mathematically average.

Enter the Scoring Zone Carefully, But With Confidence

The above adage, like so many things, is true of both life and hockey. Remember the stymied series against Tampa Bay in which the neutral zone got clogged like so much frat house plumbing? Against Florida last Saturday, the Capitals were gaining the zone easier than the Freshman Fifteen. They say he who hesitates dies, and so it is with offensive hockey. Get across the blue line, then talk things out. Get across the blue line, then make your sweet deke move. Get across the blue line – well, you get it.

Adam Oates’ offense is predicated on small, quick movements that put the law of momentum in your favor. A pass and a reset may  seem like no net gain, but it takes a defense longer to react than it takes you to complete. That millisecond overlap where you’re ready to move again but they aren’t yet is where Oates beats you. But in order to run those plays, Oates’ offense – more than many others – requires control of the offensive zone. The Caps have been prioritizing gaining the stripe, and that’s a very good thing.

And so with the veil of coma-induced ignorance wrenched from mine eyes, I turn my sight now forward, to the coming week, and to a segment that Pope Francis once called “self-indulgent excess”:

LIABLE TO LIBEL: A BAKER’S DOZEN LIES ABOUT THIS WEEK’S OPPONENTS

1. New York Islanders players say that the ghost of Nassau Coliseum still haunts the new Barclays Center, because the showers smell like fishsticks and bronzer, and the team still sucks.

2. “Hurricane Sandy” is what fair-haired Islanders center Josh Bailey does to my heart.

3. The Islanders hold the coveted position of being New York’s seventh-most liked professional sports team

4. If Minnesota Wild goalie Niklas Bäckström stops Nicklas Bäckström in a shootout, the universe will implode in on itself until all matter is condensed into two singularities, arranged side-by-side, suspended above a vowel.

5. Paragon of scholarly insight, Ryan Suter agreed to sign with the Wild because he thought they were the Rangers’ AHL affiliate. Said Suter: “I mean, yeah, I figured if New York is the Big Apple, then Mini Appleous must be almost as good.”

6. The Wild attribute their recent success to the legacy of winning sports teams pioneered by the illustrious Timberwolves, Twins, and Vikings.

7. The Caps will face one Stoner on Thursday against the Wild, and then a bunch on Sunday in Colorado.

8. Phoenix did not sign Mike Ribeiro, so much as Mike Ribeiro made them an offer they couldn’t refuse.

9. In a marketing move designed to increase ticket sales among local Phoenix residents, the Coyotes will be hosting “Why Won’t Obama Pay for My Viagra?” and “Young People Are Terrible” Nights.

10. Coyotes winger Radim Vrbata skates so fast the vowels in his name don’t have time to catch up.

11. Despite popular belief, the Colorado Avalanche were not named as an homage to the region’s skiing and snow culture, but rather after the historical event “the Colorado Avalanche,” when thousands upon thousands of season tickets were cast off in unwanted piles the day Joe Sakic retired.

12. Patrick Roy tried to legally change his name to Patrick Wah-Wah. When he wasn’t allowed, he threw a tantrum.

13. Patrick Roy was named head coach of the Colorado Avalanche only after other local favorites John Elway and the actual physical Rocky Mountains were unavailable.

So that’s that, folks. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading and I look forward to watching the Capitals’ week play out. And as always, good night, good luck, and go Caps.

I suppose I should be grateful to have been able to watch the Canucks play any hockey at all considering the entire season was nearly a complete write-off due to the NHL lockout that lasted for 113 days. But honestly, I was having more fun during the lockout than watching the often tedious and uninspiring hockey played by the Canucks.

It is essentially the same core team from two years ago. Minus Cody Hodgson (don’t get me started). But they sure didn’t play like that Cup-contending team. I fondly remember when the Canucks would score SHGs, or would score the game-tying goal with 10 seconds left in the third period, then win in overtime. Or when the Sedins would dazzle us with their displays of hockey wizardry.

But this season the Canucks struggled on almost every front. Defense was wobbly and woeful. Goals were as rare as sightings of Tim Thomas. Goaltending was strong, but mired in the drama of having two starting goalies, which Cory and Roberto lampooned in an amusing video segment for TSN. And key players were constantly getting injured.

The Kassian Konundrum

Zack Kassian started off the season impressively while playing on the first line with the Sedins. Of the 7 goals he scored, 5 of them were while playing with the Glimmer Twins during the first two weeks of the season. But as soon as he was moved off the first line his play went to hell in a hand-basket, scoring a total of 11 points for the entire season.

On the other hand, the guy we traded to get Kassian, Cody Hodgson, earned three times more points (34) and scored twice as many goals (15). That unfortunately did not help the Buffalo Sabres much. They slipped from 19th in the NHL last season to 23rd this season. But the Canucks slipped further, from 1st in the NHL last season to 8th this season.

Nearly all Canucks writers still feel the Hodgson/Kassian trade was a good deal for Canucks. I think it’s complete bullshit. Just because Cody didn’t single-handedly lead the Sabres to the Playoffs does not make him any less talented. And the old “but he wanted out of Vancouver” excuse is weak. Yes, he wanted out of Vancouver because Vigneault and Gillis completely mis-managed that relationship and treated him poorly. The Canucks have faltered ever since Cody was traded away prior to last year’s Playoffs, and none of the new players acquired since have done as well.

Goalie Imbroglio

The mishandling of the goalie situation was the biggest mess and distraction for the Canucks. Cory Schneider was named the new starting goalie for this season while Roberto Luongo, with his enormous contract, remained on the roster. Then, in early April, Twitter was aflutter with hyperventilating fans who were preparing for the end of the Luongo era when he was called off the ice by Canucks management minutes before the trade deadline.

But nothing happened. A trade never materialized, which meant Luongo was stuck being Number 1 Backup Goalie for the rest of the season. I don’t know the intricate details of why a deal never happened, but, I’m pretty sure this was the biggest fuck-up by General Manager Mike Gillis so far. It will no doubt be a drama that continues to play out during the off-season.

Vilifying Vigneault

Poor Alain Vigneault. The giggling, gum-chewing Head Coach didn’t have a chance against the pitchfork-wielding public who were calling for his head even before the Playoffs began.

Lots of people found Vigneault’s hands-off, laissez-faire coaching style a teensy bit off-putting while his team was quickly spiraling downward. I mean, if I were the Canucks coach, I’d be screaming and throwing shit around the locker room Tortorella-style. Perhaps he did, I have no idea. But whatever he was doing late last season and all of this season was just not working. The constant experimenting and tweaking of lines befuddled bloggers and started the “Fire AV” drumbeat that got louder and louder after each Playoff game loss.

Eventually those calling for Vigneault’s head got their wish. He and two of his assistant coaches were fired by Mike Gillis last week.

Gillllyyyyy!!

I’m amazed that, after mis-handling the Luongo trade and leaving the team without a strong Center for much of the season when he ended Manny Malhotra’s hockey-playing career, Mike Gillis is still the Canucks GM. Many point to him as the real reason for Canucks’ dilemma, and Vigneault was simply trying to work with what Gillis inadequately provided. But like the “Gilly” character played by Kristen Wiig on SNL, Gillis has yet to pay a price for the mischief he has caused. Or even say “Sorry.”

But now that Vigneault is gone, Gillis is left holding the bag full of problems that still plague the Canucks, including the additional burden of finding a new coach who can work with the team he’s assembled. But if the team continues to flounder and he flubs the Luongo trade, it’s possible Gillis could be looking for a new job this time next year.

Millionaires in Six Seconds

While there was plenty to bitch about, there were a few redeeming moments during this truncated travesty of a season.

Canucks management got a lot of feel-good mileage when they introduced the Millionaires replica uniforms worn during the game with the Detroit Red Wings on March 16th. I was really looking forward to seeing them play in those uniforms and loved how they celebrated Vancouver’s long, rich hockey history and contributions to the sport we know and love today.

When Alex Burrows scored the first goal just 6 seconds into the game, breaking the Canucks record for fastest goal scored, I thought maybe this could be the turning point as they channeled Fred “Cyclone” Taylor and the Cup-winning Millionaires from 1915. No such luck. Detroit ended up trouncing the Canucks 5-2. We haven’t seen those Millionaires uniforms since.

Oops, this is supposed to be about happy moments. Back on course…

Henrik Breaks Stuff

Thanks to my Canucks-season-ticket-holding Fairy Godmother, Mary, I was at the game on February 15 when Henrik Sedin broke the Canucks all-time scoring record. He scored his 757th career point, surpassing Markus Naslund who previously held that record. The entire stadium erupted into a long, boisterous standing ovation. The only thing missing was a large bouquet of flowers presented to Henrik and an encore. Unfortunately, the Canucks ended up losing that game to the Dallas Stars by one point.

There I go again! Stay positive, Tom.

BizNasty No Longer a Dickhead

In my “Biggest Dickheads” post at the beginning of January, I included Paul Bissonnette (BizNasty), who plays for the Phoenix Coyotes, after a dust-up with him on Twitter last year. One night after the Coyotes played Canucks here in Vancouver, I posted another snarky tweet about him that I was sure he wouldn’t see because he had blocked me.

Well, he saw it and re-tweeted it. But surprisingly he unblocked me and we ended up having a private chat on Twitter that was short but sweet. Paul wanted to let me know that, while some of his followers may have hurled homophobic slurs at me, he supports gay rights and has no problem with gay people. I thought it was pretty nice of him to reach out like that. Now I can go back to thinking he’s hot again.

Most Unforgettable Canucks Tweet of the Season

One last moment that I can never forget was when injured Canucks backup goalie Eddie Lack sent out this tweet in early March:

No, he wasn’t talking about Alex Semin. A photo accompanied his tweet which showed a bicycle seat splashed with spooge! For realz!! Lack emphatically claimed in a followup tweet that he did not do it. And I believe him. But, wow, I don’t think any other professional hockey player can top that tweet, not even BizNasty.

Thanks for the Memories

This is my final post for PuckBuddys. It’s been an absolute honor to be the first writer recruited for this ground-breaking hockey blog, but I’m, afraid I must resign my position as both Canucks writer and Western Conference Bureau Chief. When Craig and Doug asked me to be a contributor in the Summer of 2011, I thought they must be high or drunk or both because I knew nothing about hockey and was a newly-minted Canucks fan. So of course I said “Yes!” Since then, they’ve built an impressive stable of writers who provide the best rainbow-colored commentary about hockey you can find on the Internet. I’m proud to have been a part of it.

You can still find me on Twitter (@GayCanuck) making snarky, bitchy comments about hockey and Glee. Over and out. XO, Tom, a.k.a. GayCanuck

[Editors’ Note: We thank Tom for his service, good cheer and panache. He’s responsible for our single biggest traffic day (Ohai, Naked Kesler), and the banner we have at the top of the site. With any luck, we can talk (cajole) him into helping us with our off-season site redesign. Replacing him won’t be easy and we’ll start the search for his replacement immediately. The audition process promises to be rigorous; we’re looking for verve, sass and style. Extra credit will be granted in both the talent portion and swimsuit competition. Inquire within.]

The only highlight of this half season of non-hockey was when Ryan Kesler tweeted “Yooo” at me. For 17 minutes I felt like a teenaged girl who was just retweeted by Justin Bieber. But the limerence was short-lived. There was still no hockey.

Unfortunately, all I’m left with at the end of this year in regards to hockey is a short list of jerks who irked me in one way or another. So without fanfare, here is my list of Biggest Dickheads Of 2012 in the world of hockey:

Gary Bettman and the NHL

Gary, Gary, Gary. What can I say that hasn’t already been said about this Supreme Dickhead and the owners who’ve once again fucked over fans, the league and all those who make a living from NHL games all over North America. For months hockey writers have been busy writing articles predicting when the NHL season would begin, all of them as wrong as the Mayan calendar predicting when the world would end. Day after day my Gregorian calendar keeps reminding me of hockey games that will never take place, and day after day my aversion for Bettman grows. I’m now forced to stay up half the night just to watch World Junior Championship hockey, which is nice, but not nearly as satisfying as watching my favorite team and players on the ice. Plus, the crazy hours and lack of sleep is making me even crankier.

You may wonder why Donald Fehr isn’t on my dickheads list, because every time I bitch about Bettman I get a few “don’t forget Donald Fehr” replies. While Fehr may carry some of the blame for the continual breakdown in negotiations, I feel Bettman and the owners he represents are largely to blame. The players felt they were royally screwed over after the last lockout, so it’s not surprising that they’re holding their ground more firmly this time around to avoid a repeat.

Paul Bissonnette and the BizNasties

For someone who is a hockey celebrity, makes millions, has a privileged life and relishes his bad-boy image, you’d think Paul Bissonnette (@BizNasty2point0) from the Coyotes could handle the occasional insult lobbed at him on Twitter with a little bit of maturity and humor. Instead he sometimes lashes out at his target with digs and barbs that are cruel and personal at times, putting the “nasty” in BizNasty.

While chatting with a few people about a recent BizNasty Twitter tantrum, I called him an “insufferable prick” and a “spoiled brat.” Both, I think, accurate assessments of his behavior on Twitter. He happened to notice, made a snarky comment and then re-tweeted my tweet to his legion of mouth-breathing accolytes who proceeded to pelt me with a barrage of hateful, homophobic comments. For three days. I’m a big boy and no stranger to anti-gay taunts and bullying, so, I took my lumps and Paul got his pound of flesh out of me by letting others do the dirty work for him.

A few people tried to convince me that Paul is a cool guy in person, and perhaps he is, but, he and some of his followers are definitely gigantic dickheads on Twitter.

Ryan Lambert

Ryan (@twolinepass) is a hockey blogger for Yahoo Sports who’s Twitter bio reads, “your favorite team sucks, your favorite player sucks, you suck.” He’s a self-described troll who prods and provokes others with outrageous comments and juvenile name-calling, like Beavis & Butthead, but a lot less funny. His fawning over BizNasty, who’s sophomoric antics are regularly featured in his posts on Yahoo Sports with loving adulation, might make you a little squeamish.

You’d think someone as sharp-tongued as he — who frequently refers to people as “dumbasses,” “assholes,” and “shitlords” — wouldn’t be as thin-skinned as his Nasty idol. But after sparring a few times with Ryan on Twitter, he eventually blocked me because I “shit-talk” him all the time. This is clearly a person who is as humorless as his posts on Twitter, and who takes himself a wee bit too seriously.

While I actually agree with Ryan about lots of political and social issues, he needs to lighten up or get off the ice if he can’t handle the body checks he likes to dish out.

Tim Thomas

This starts to veer into that taboo topic of politics. But it’s only because Tim Thomas, former goaltender for the Boston Bruins, put his Tea Party politics front and center over the past year by making his disdain for President Obama and support of Chick-fil-A’s anti-gay stance publicly known.

When heaped with criticism, he pulled the prima-donna routine. He refused to answer questions or cut interviews short and stormed away as soon as he was asked to comment further about his political views. Then he bailed on the Bruins and decided to take a year off from professional hockey. In light of the current lockout, that may not have been such a bad idea, but, in the eyes of many Bruins fans he went from being a superstar to a colossal dickhead.

@Strombone1

I know I’m going to get hell from other Canucks fans for this one. But I find this mysterious @strombone1 Twitter account that is not Luongo, but actually is, but isn’t, tedious and dickish.

If it really is you, Roberto, then just come out of your Twitter closet already and stop playing this ridiculous game of hide-and-seek. It may have been cute and fun for a year or two, but, now it’s just downright annoying and creepy because most people now believe it’s actually you, so, why keep up the silly charade? What are you afraid of? Plenty of other celebrities bigger than you are on Twitter being jackasses, but you are actually funny. Or do you want to be the Greta Garbo of goalies?

Luongo and his wry sense of humor would get a shit-ton more followers, and wouldn’t have to beg dickheads like BizNasty to follow him, if he kept tweeting what he tweets now using a verified account. Otherwise, the ambiguously anonymous goalie gig is getting old.

Shapsters

You’ve seen them on Twitter incessantly using their concocted word “shap” and calling people they dislike “milts” or referring to others as “b” (e.g., you mad, b?).

I call them Shapsters. They think they are hip and cool, but they are just irritatingly cliquey. No one really knows what the hell they’re talking about most of the time. They have tweetups they call “shapups” and created the eye-roll-inducing “Shapys” which apparently gives out awards for who knows what, probably Miltiest Shapper or something equally dopey. Even Luongo (as strombone1) is parroting this shap crap and has become their Patron Saint of Shap. Shapsters, just close your bazoo already.

Don Cherry

Don Cherry (@CoachsCornerCBC) is a hockey legend and a legendary curmudgeon who says some pretty outrageous shit on national TV here in Canada.

He calls people he disagrees with “pukes” or “pinkos,” and his disdain for French-Canadians and Europeans is well known. He’s also an advocate for fighting in hockey and openly railed against Brendan Shanahan for cracking down on it with severe suspensions, as well as a few former hockey enforcers who spoke out against fighting. The backlash he received for being such a dick forced him to make a rare apology on the air a week later.

Cherry’s one redeeming quality is that he has a sense of humor about himself. Anyone who wears Elton John hand-me-downs on TV to talk about hockey doesn’t take himself too seriously (perhaps Ryan Lambert should start wearing obnoxious clothing, too). It’s why people either love him or hate him. He may be a dickhead but at least he’s an entertaining one.

Christopher R. Barron

The last, but not least, dickhead is Chris Barron (@ChrisRBarron), co-founder of GOProud, the gay Republican organization that supported Mitt Romney and his anti-gay party platform in the recent U.S. Presidential election. Believe it or not, Chris is gay. He also happens to be a hockey fan who likes the Pittsburgh Penguins, a good hockey team with one of my favorite players, the delightfully dreamy Sid Crosby.

Chris doesn’t seem to have a problem interacting with the hateful conservative zealots of his chosen political party, such as their official “Gay Icon” Anne Coulter. But when it comes to debating fellow hockey-loving homos about his questionable support for politicians who’d prefer that gays stay in the closet, he can’t handle it and blocks us, including PuckBuddys. Oh the lively, chirpy political and hockey debates that could have been if he weren’t such a GOPathetic dickhead.

I saw the best minds Caps bloggers of my generation destroyed by madness, starving (for a win) hysterical naked panicked, dragging themselves through the negro streets arenas at dawn looking for an angry fix victory,

angelheaded hipsters skaters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of (game) night,

who poverty and tatters and hollow-eyed and high sat up smoking watching in the supernatural darkness of cold-water flats mancaves floating across the tops of cities large screen TVs contemplating jazz a revived power play,

who bared their brains to Heaven Leonsis, Boudreau, McFee under the El Metro and saw Mohammedan Capital angels staggering on tenement under jobing.com roofs illuminated,

who passed through universities minor leagues with radiant eyes hallucinating Arkansas Tampa Bay and Blake-light tragedy among the scholars of war,

a lost batallion hockey team of platonic conversationalists jumping down the stoops off fire escapes off windowsills off Empire State out of the moon Verizon, the Garden, the Coliseum,

who vanished into nowhere Zen New Jersey Phoenix leaving a trail of ambiguous picture postcards of Atlantic City Hall Anaheim, San Jose, Los Angeles,

who wandered around and around at midnight in the railway yard Chinatown wondering where to go, and went, leaving no broken hearts,

who reappeared on the West Coast investigating the FBI searching for a win in beards and shorts with big pacifist eyes sexy in their dark skin road whites passing out incomprehensible leaflets line changes,

who broke down crying in white gymnasiums hockey arenas naked and trembling before the machinery of other skeletons more motivated teams,

who let themselves be fucked in the ass by saintly motorcyclists by lesser teams, and screamed with joy more excuses,

who lost their loveboys to the three old shrews of fate the one eyed shrew of the heterosexual dollar the one eyed shrew that winks out of the womb and the one eyed shrew that does nothing but sit on her ass and snip the intellectual golden threads of the craftsman’s loom, piss-poor power plays, being “too cute” and taking too few shots on goal,

who scribbled blogged all night rocking and rolling over lofty incantations which in the yellow morning were stanzas of gibberish,

who cried all over the street, danced on broken wineglasses barefoot smashed phonograph records iPods of nostalgic European 1930s German jazz DJ Pauly D finished the whiskey and threw up groaning,  moans in their ears and the blast of colossal steamwhistles arena horns,

who journeyed to Denver DC, who died in Denver DC, who came back to Denver DC & waited in vain, who watched over Denver DC & brooded & loned in Denver DC and finally went away to find out the Time, & now Denver DC is lonesome for her heroes,

who crashed through their minds in jail the nets waiting for impossible criminals goals with golden heads and the charm of reality in their hearts who sang sweet blues to Alcatraz Verizon,

the madman bum and angel beat in Time, unknown, yet putting down here what might be left to say in time come after death the play-offs,

with the absolute heart of the poem butchered out of their own bodies good to eat a thousand years seasons.

Photos by Christian Petersen/Getty Images, Paul Connor/AP and William Burroughs

Well well, what a difference a week makes.  Just ask that guy…Hosni-whatever.  (‘Extended vacation at a Red Sea resort?  That’s for me!’)

Let’s go back to last Tuesday, when we were feeling all fuzzy about the Caps.  Remember Tuesday?  Remember how our Boys were finally back to hitting on all cylinders against division rival Tampa Bay?  Remember our man-handling of the Pens? Remember the defense, the second-efforts at the crease, the hits?

We hope you do because this weekend it looked like Boudreau’s Boys had completely forgotten.  Everything’s already been said about their deflating performance against the Kings…but, like Mo Udall noted, not everyone has said it.  So here’s our take.

courtesy AP/Jacquelyn Martin

It’s the job of the player to commit to performing the best they can; it’s the job of the leadership to make clear they expect that, and make corrections in its absence.   Our Caps are playing like they assume to win…or worse, like they expect they’ll lose.  Judging by their recent comments, Knubs and Nicky19 get what they need to do.  We’re hoping Coach B. and Capt. Ovechkin do as well.

There.  Now everyone has said it.  Moving on…

So we’re on the road.  First stop, Pumpkinville.  Or Phoenix, as it was later aspirationally renamed.  Whatever…this is just a city that just does not deserve to be America’s fifth largest – and most definitely does not deserve a hockey team.

People! Hockey’s played on ice! In the snow! You have to drive to the snow from there. Their barn is called the Jobing.com arena.  Really?  What is that – Craigslist for dirty prostitutes?

And seriously: how hockey are they really?  Does Phoenix want a curling team, too?  No, I don’t think so.  Does Phoenix have a Timmy Ho’s?  Do they know their toque from their trolley tracks?  Fat chance.

We’re saving our editorial juice for a number of big items we’ve got planned, so will pass on the game preview tonight.  Instead, we’re just offering some fresh hockey-candy for you.

Behold: Taylor Pyatt.