Rock The Red Rockers

The Caps just announced the Red Rocker tryouts will take place July 9 and 10. 

Fifteen very attractive young ladies comprised the 2010-2011 squad and we’ll do a little more research on who the RFAs and UFAs are so we can better determine who we might see next fall.

Requirements to make the squad are pretty straight forward, and we’d consider tossing our pom-poms into the ring, but we don’t think our GED suffices for the necessary highschool degree:

“Candidates must be 18 years of age, a high school graduate and be able to commit to a minimum of 25 regular-season home games. An outgoing, energetic personality and the ability to perform in front of large crowds is a must. Auditions will involve fitness tests, so participants are asked to dress appropriately for physical activity.”

We’ve made sport of these Caps ambassadors in the past, cheekily calling them the Red Knockers, but next to the guys on the ice, they may have the hardest job in the Booth. They have to put up with and play second fiddle(s) to Slapshot after all, and are always in constant risk of burrito-related, on-the-job injuries.

Something else surfaced upon a closer look at the required qualifications; gender is not specified.  We’re probably not alone in wanting to see a little diversity on the squad and bet a few puck bunnies and Scarlet Caps may feel the same way. Although the vast majority of the Rockers have been curvy women, not too long ago there was a member of the squad with an entirely different set of contours.  Meet David (below, second from left, if it wasn’t obvious) from the class of 2008-2009.

David is splashed all over the Caps website but the links are hard to find.  A month-long PuckBuddys’ I-Team investigation uncovered the lost pages documenting his tenure with the team, from his tryout, onward.  David’s audition was captured in this Caps365 video and his Rocker gallery page had a number of his pictures.  This is him posing with the other members of the squad in a group shot:

On his bio page, we learn this about him:

Name: David                           
University Name: Towson University               
Profession: Software Trainer             
Hobbies: Golf, tennis, fantasy baseball, fantasy football
Favorite Athlete (any sport): Tiger Woods
Favorite Food: Cheese Steaks
Favorite Movie:  Matrix
Favorite Book: Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut
What is your guilty pleasure? French fries
Do you have a favorite charity/cause? Red Cross

David is one handsome customer as this hat trick of photos will attest.

We’ll see if any guys tryout for the squad in July, and we hope that if one does make it, he won’t have to put up with the adolescent vulgarities that metastasized online about David a couple years ago.  Some Internet toilet called Boston Barstool thought they’d make sport of him and in April 2009, asked: “Is David of the Washington Capitals Ice Girls the Gayest or Smartest Man Alive?” Beantown Neanderthals puked and misspelled their way through almost 60 comments on ‘elpresidente’s’ Question of the Day.

Not to be outdone, and obviously lacking original ideas of his own, some fuckstick named Richard Manfredi on SportsByBrooks trawled in the noxious wake of the Barstool clowns and piled on by asking, “What’s up with that male Capitals Cheerleader?” Seven anonymous comments from a select group of knuckle-draggers followed. Har-dee-har-har; a veritable Algonquin Roundtable.

We could care less about which way David leaned; he was part of the larger team, the Washington (Fuck You Boston) Capitals and that’s all that matters. We protect our own and the smart money says David is hotter than any of those sad-ass, limp-dick chowderheads who probably don’t even have the stones to be full-fledged bullies.

Good luck against Tampa tonight. Don’t let the broom hit you on the way out.

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8 Responses to Rock The Red Rockers

  1. Sam W. says:

    I get a little giggle building inside me whenever I see the word, “fuckstick,” in print. Thanks for the merriment!

  2. knxvil says:

    The Beantown Neanderthals(tm) are the exact reason I Rock the Red and (shudder) will root for the Bolts tonight. God help me, the only reason I have Bruins clothing is because I received it as a gift. Thanks, Dad. This season, I expect a different sweater under the Festivus tree. A hockey player inside wouldn’t be bad, either. OK, back to work… Great job as usual, Buddys!

  3. Caps fail says:

    Howz the golfing, Red Rockers?

  4. Jeremy says:

    So, wait a minute. As for the women Red Rockers you write: “We’ve made sport of these Caps ambassadors in the past, cheekily calling them the Red Knockers” and, yet, you then write: “We’ll see if any guys tryout for the squad in July, and we hope that if one does make it, he won’t have to put up with the adolescent vulgarities that metastasized online about David a couple years ago.”

    I’m a gay Caps fan and I have a 22-yr old daughter who could easily be a Red Rocker. And, while I might be hard-pressed to refer to “Red Knockers” as “adolescent vulgarities,” I think “Red Knockers” easily qualifies as “adolescent” (with the reference to “the Washington (Fuck You) Capitals as “vulgar.”

    So… what are you saying? It’s ok to be “cheeky” and refer to a young woman’s “knockers” in the same post you write “Fuck you Boston,” but it’s not ok to be adolescent and vulgar, which you’ve been?

    • Craig says:

      Jeremy: The short answer is the angry screed speaks for itself, for the long answer, I may have to enlist the likes of Camille Paglia to expand on the theories of sexual objectification as it relates to the sports world.

  5. Jeremy says:

    Got it. “Red Knockers” is juvenile. As for the stuff people wrote about David, though you provided the links, I didn’t click. I didn’t look at that stuff the first go round. Not sure why they got link love and attention. Sorta like Dan $nyder suing over an article nobody read, ensuring everybody then read it….

  6. Sarah says:

    OH MY LORD PLEASE DO NOT JUDGE US BASED ON THE CESSPOOL THAT IS BARSTOOL SPORTS. barf everywhere.

    David’s cute and gutsy and that’s admirable. :D Great stuff!

  7. Pingback: Ambassadors In Red – DC’s own Puck Buddys covering the Washington Capitals Red Rockers | EmmeGirls Blog

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