I’m a Lockout Virgin. Because I’m a fairly new hockey fan, I have not yet had the displeasure of having my favorite sport cancelled or delayed for the season. But if that happens, I’m not going to sit around crying in my chardonnay. I’ve got plans!
1. Play Nude Kesler Dress-Up
While I would never advocate putting clothes on a fine-looking nude athlete, just think how adorable Ryan would look in a Western or 70’s Disco ensemble. The Nude Kesler Dress-Up kit would be like that magnetized version of Michelangelo’s David with cute little outfits that you put on your refrigerator. I think the Canucks should seriously consider doing the same with Nude Kesler. I’d buy 10 of them. Although he’d mostly remain nude on my fridge. Schwing!
2. Pin The Tail on The Bettman
This is an updated version of the party game popular with kids called “Pin The Tail On The Donkey.” Blindfolded NHL players would be made dizzy with offers and counter-offers from NHL owners, and then try to pin the collective bargaining tail on Gary Bettman’s ass. Oh what jollity would ensue! This would be followed up with NHL players attempting to split open a Bettman piñata by beating it with hockey sticks, releasing 7.5 million dollars worth of candy! Hours and hours of fun!
3. Dinner at Chick-fil-A With Tim Thomas
Now that Tim Thomas has decided to take a year off from being a goalie with the Boston Bruins in order to avoid having to meet with black Presidents, he’s got lots of time to spend over long, lavish meals with his gays. No, not at that liberal, socialist, latte-serving eatery called McDonald’s with their snooty French fries. Tim only eats at conservative, manly, peach milkshake-serving Chick-fil-A. I can’t wait to gaze lovingly into Tim’s eyes while eating god-fearing chicken sandwiches and all-American waffle fries while planning our gay wedding. I think we’d look fabulous in matching tinfoil tophats as we walk down the aisle together.
4. Bear Hunting with David Booth
I heard David Booth has a thing for bears, and that he likes to spend long weekends wandering around in the woods harpooning them with his long, pointy stick. What fun! But I think I’ll take David to The Pumpjack here in Vancouver instead, where you can lure leather-clad bears into your lair with delicious pints of beer instead of stinky, rotting beaver offal. Ewww!
5. Clothes Shopping with Don Cherry
Now, I don’t mind a flashy dresser, but, Don Cherry really takes it to a whole new level of terrifying, wardrobe-malfunctioning madness. That straight guy is in desperate need of a queer eye. So, I plan to take him on a whirlwind shopping trip to International Male for a more tasteful wardrobe of leopard-print bikini briefs and full-body thongs. I may even throw in a pair of luxurious lambs-wool leg-warmers for that retro Flashdance look. Snazzy!
6. Teach Cory Schneider New Impressions
Canucks goaltender Cory Schneider has impressed us with his uncanny impressions of Alex Burrows, Jannik Hansen and Alain Vigneault. But I don’t think he should limit himself to fellow teammates of the male persuasion, especially if he want’s a backup career in case this goalie thing doesn’t work out. So, I’ve got an entire weekend workshop planned to teach Cory how to impersonate a few famous female stars, such a Cher, Liza and Bette Davis. Maybe we’ll even do a few scenes from All About Eve with Cory as the young apprentice and Luongo as the aging star. Fasten your pushup bra, Cory, it’s going to be a campy ride!
7. Gatorade-Chugging Contest with Dustin Brown
I know that LA Kings captain Dustin Brown has been busy eating fro-yo out of the Stanley Cup all summer long, but, I’m sure the brain-freeze has made him forget that he’s directionally-challenged when it comes to drinking from a Gatorade squeezy bottle. Wouldn’t it be a hoot to challenge Dustin to a Gatorade-chugging contest? I’m sure I could win enough money to buy Dale Weise a box of Gatorade bottles with securely-fastened caps.
8. Diving Lessons with Brad Marchand
I know lots of hockey fans accuse certain members of the Canucks team of being excellent divers, but, having watched countless hours of diving during the London Olympics this summer, I’m confident that the gold medal in Hockey Diving would go to Brad Marchand of the Boston Bruins. He exhibited exquisite form and technique during the 2011 Stanley Cup Playoffs against the Washington Capitals. So, who better to take diving lessons from than sweet, little Brad! He might even be able to teach British diving vixen Tom Daley a thing or two so he can turn that bronze into gold in 2016. Win/Win!
9. Pee Wee Glow-Bowling with Jonathan Toews
Blackhawks captain Jonathan Toews takes his pee wee bowling seriously. It’s not easy knocking down those tiny little hockey pins when there are at least a dozen of them wobbling around on the ice in all directions. But I think I might have a better chance at beating him at Pee Wee Glow-Bowling. That’s when the bowling rink is turned into a gay disco and all the little pee wee pins are clad in fluorescent ensembles chosen by Don Cherry! Then it’s much easier to see them and flatten them before they can scurry away. Strrrrrrike!
10. Make a Music Video with Alex Ovechkin
When I think of Hip-Hop, I immediately think of Washington Capitals captain Alex Ovechkin. Who better to make a “Rockout To The Lockout” music video than a gap-toothed Russian hockey player who can’t dance his way out of a Mr. Big Deal candy wrapper. But his bounce-and-shuffle dance moves with stiff horizontal jazz-hands could use some work. So I’m hiring the two Pussy Riot girls that escaped from Russia to help with choreography. I just hope our video isn’t banned for 100 years by that grouch, Vladimir Putin. He needs to lighten the fuck up. But I’m sure I can coax an award-winning performance out of Alex. Move over Vanilla Ice!
Do you have any special plans should there be an NHL lockout? Be sure to send me a postcard! XO