Heart, Abs (and Ass) Of A Canuck

There’s no one better to turn to for comment on the Ryan Kesler skin pics than our very own resident gay Canucks fan, @GayCanuck. He went off the grid for a few days and surfaced last night. We were concerned but now know what he was up to. -Craig

“There is nothing more awkward and amusing than watching a bunch of straight guys talking and writing about a picture of a naked straight guy. In this case, I’m talking about the recently leaked photo of Canucks Centre, Ryan Kesler, who appears in the upcoming issue of ESPN Magazine’s “Body Issue.” 

Lots of words have already been written about it. But you’d think some of them just saw a dead body instead of a hard body based on their painful and uncomfortable descriptions of the photo.  Clearly, they are not only out of their league, but playing for the wrong team.”

After the jump, the goods.

“I, on the other hand, have decades of experience closely studying photos of nude men. And it’s perfectly obvious that Ryan Kesler has a fit and athletic physique that most men would kill to have. I mean, come on, look at those tight abs, defined traps, narrow waist and muscular thighs!”

Looking at the photo from a purely artistic perspective, however, the pose seems a little forced and unnatural. It emphasizes Ryan’s ass, which is nice, but not his best feature.

The pose also makes the upper part of his body look slightly deformed because his shoulder-blade muscles bulge out. The way his hands hang onto the large stone in front of him make his triceps pop, but his biceps look flat.

And then there’s that hair. Oy! I’ve frequently joked about Ryan’s “helmet” hair, which always seems to look like he just ripped his hockey helmet off after 3 periods. In other words, it’s a complete fucking mess. But Ryan is young, cute and sexy, so, he could don a Marge Simpson hairdo and still look hot as far as I’m concerned.

What this photo shoot was clearly missing was a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. An artistic nude photo should be a bit more whimsical and dynamic. Ryan’s photo was just a little too stiff and static, and there’s no visual cue that he’s a top NHL hockey player except for the hockey helmet hair. I don’t know anything about the the photographer, Alex Cayley, but, I have a feeling he doesn’t do male nudes very often.

Now take a look at the photograph of Helio Castroneves swinging naked on a tire swing taken by Luis Sanchis.

A bit cliché perhaps, but, it’s a wonderfully whimsical photo where the subject looks very natural and perfectly lit.

The black-and-white photo of Blake Griffin, however, wins first prize for the male athletes.

 The line of his body while in mid-air and the single light source makes this photograph a classic work of art. And what a gorgeous ass! I’m not sure who the photographer was for Griffin, but, he or she is no stranger to the male nude.

It takes courage and confidence to bare it all, and a lot of credit goes to Ryan for being so generous in the Body Issue. After a long and grueling 2010-11 season, his battered body looks pretty damn good.

And I’m sure the only reason Kevin Bieksa opened a Twitter account was to relentlessly tease his favorite teammate about that photo for the entire season.

Next year I’d like to see Chris Higgins bare it all for ESPN Magazine. He already auditioned for the part when he pulled his jersey up and displayed his rippling abs at a recent pre-season game. I think it’s time we let him share more with us. A lot more.

You can follow our Western Conference Bureau Chief (and Managing Editor for the Arts) on twitter: @GayCanuck

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About GayCanuck

A sassy gay Canucks fan who, when not swimming in his Fantasy Hockey Pool with Chris Higgins, Tyler Seguin and Gabe Landeskog, is making general mischief on Twitter: @GayCanuck
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5 Responses to Ryantology

  1. david says:

    have you ever see the the full frontal cellphone pics of former maple leaf juri tlusty?
    i just might know where you can get a copy….

    ~ cheers..

  2. Andrew says:

    Men of the Canucks calendar. Any takers?

  3. GayCanuck says:

    I would be more than happy to volunteer my time as official Photographer and Fluffer for the Men of Canucks Calendar.

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